To Be Loved

Chapter Thirty-Eight

I still cry at night. 

Tuwing mag-isa ako at walang ibang magawa para abalahin ang sarili, umiiyak pa rin ako. I don't know when I'll stop or if there's even an end to this. I hope there is... because I'm so tired of feeling empty.

Dalawang linggo na rin ang nakalipas simula nung gabing 'yon. The night I waited for Xavi. It's been two weeks and yet the pain still feels fresh. Tingin ko nga ay hindi pa 'yon nagsisimulang maghilom. 

Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin lubusan matanggap ang nangyari. I've always known that there's an end to our relationship. I just never thought that Xavi will be the one to end it.

I always thought the reason of our breakup would be because we were close to getting caught or because our family found out and wanted us apart.

Kahit kailan ay hindi ito ang naisip kong dahilan ng paghihiwalay namin. I was naive enough to believe that what we had was special and indestructible. All along, our love was just any other love that fades with time.

The finals helped me distract myself a little. Hindi naman ako sobrang studious, pero pakiramdam ko ay nakabisado ko na ang printed materials na ipinamigay sa mga subjects ko sa dalas ng pag-aral na ginawa ko.

"I'm so fucking done with this sem!" Alana ranted. I could only offer her a weak smile. She ignored my lack of enthusiasm. "I'm planning to go out  tonight. Wanna come?"

Malamyang umiling ako. "Ikaw na lang, Alana. I don't feel too well." 

"Two weeks na yang I don't feel too well mo. Think of a better excuse." She rolled her eyes.

I wasn't lying though. Masama talaga ang pakiramdam ko. Mabigat ang katawan ko at pakiramdam ko ay wala akong gana sa ibang bagay. I feel queasy, too. Maybe those are symptoms of being too sad.

"Sorry." I apologetically smiled.

"Nope. I'm not taking no for an answer this time. You're coming with me! Kung kinakailangan kang kaladkarin gagawin ko." 

I heavily sighed. "I'll think about it." 

The ceiling speakers blared its scheduled tune during changing of classes. That means our vacant time is over.

"Ooh. I have to go." Alana picked up her water bottle as she stood up. She smacked a kiss on my cheek before bolting towards the exit of the building.

I heavily sighed. I feel like Alana drained all of the energy out of me. Nag-usap lang naman kami habang kumakain pero parang pagod na pagod ako.

Malapit lang naman dito ang room ko kaya hindi ko kailangang magmadali. I finished what's left of my sandwich. Eto lang kasi ang nakakaya kong kainin nitong mga nakaraang araw. I guess appetite loss is also a symptom of being sad and heartbroken.

Habang naglalakad sa hallway ay umikot ang paningin ko. Napatigil ako sa paglalakad. I already stopped from moving but my head didn't stop from spinning.

I felt my body sway. Hindi ako sigurado kung babagsak ba ako pero may sumalo sa akin bago pa mangyari 'yon. 

"Ayos ka lang ba, Lavie?" a half surprised and half worried voice asked. 

Ilang beses kong kinurap ang mga mata para maalis ang panlalabo. Nilingon ko ang sumalo sa akin. I wasn't surprised to see Ryd. Nakaguhit ang pag-aalala sa buong mukha niya.

I momentarily closed my eyes and opened it again. Malinaw na ulit ang lahat. Hindi na umaalon ang paningin ko. Lapit na lapit ang mukha ni Ryd sa akin. He looked seriously worried.

"Okay na ako." Ngumiti ako sa kanya at umayos ng tayo. Hindi niya pa rin inalis ang pag-alalay sa akin. His arm remained on my lower back while the other was gripping on my arm.