2am Habits (Bill Skarsgård love story)

Chapter 10

I don't know how we made our way into my bedroom but soon enough that's where we were. The comforter on my bed felt softer than usual when it was Bill who pushed me against them. The scent was no longer fresh fruit, rather warm vanilla.

Everything in my room felt like a stranger to me

The rain outside felt like it was telling us not to rush, to take our time.

To take our time with a night that I would forever remember. A night that Bill would probably add to his archives and I'd be another girl who would lay heartbroken in the vacant space that was his heart.

I can imagine all of us walking dry sandy grounds, abandoned in a dusky desert trying to find our way out. Trying to put the blame on him for breaking us apart so carelessly. For putting us here, fending for ourselves, hoping he would pick one of us out one day into his hand, lifting us up into the sky never to see that desert again. The same way we would plead for god to lift us up if we were in hell.

Because that's exactly what that place would be

Hell

And we ended up there the same way anyone would

Sin

But this was a different kind of sin. This was the sin that we knew there were consequences too, but the pleasure and desire in the moment was too colorful to ignore, so we took our chances. We bit the apple from the forbidden tree.

That's exactly what Bill was to us. The ones who fell for him. The ones who sinned carelessly.

He was the forbidden fruit

The same one our hearts warned us about

For someone who I shouldn't be with, Bill's skin felt perfectly against mine, luring me in deeper and deeper. It was a dangerous path, a path to my own destruction.

And maybe the idea of self destruction
The idea of sinning
The idea of having something forbidden
The idea of Bill

Was also luring me in.

And I was caving in

The same way Eve had.

I had never had someone touch me the way Bill did that night. It felt like it would be the first and last time anyone could make me feel the things I did. And when morning came, and his presence was gone, it was of an utter surprise, when I felt my heart drop.

It was my heart warning me to stop all along

~~

"Good morning!" Jessica greeted as she walked through the front door.

It had been a day after that night with Bill. I thought I'd be okay, that my normal life routine would go back into place, but I would constantly find myself checking my phone, looking out towards where his car had parked that one night, and fighting against my heart.

I knew the consequences, even if I knew other girls before me didn't. I knew what was to come and my hurting probably wasn't even close to what those other girls felt. Maybe I wasn't waiting for Bill to lift me up in that dark desert of his heart. Maybe I was looking at everyone else with sympathy, and fighting against my own pain. Fighting against it because I wanted this. I allowed it to happen.

I would be the one to comfort them and tell them that he wasn't coming back, because he was never there in the first place. The only way to be set free was to let go, let the small grains of sand slip from your fingers and clothes, the same place his hands had touched you. Only then would you be light enough to float, to save yourself because Bill wouldn't.

He was hurting, but hurting differently than us.

So then why wasn't I following my own advice?

"Are you okay?" Jessica asked with a worried laugh as she set her bag down. It was then I realized that I had been staring at the cream colored wall that stood next to Jessica.

"I'm fine, just tired" I lied as I gave her a fake smile. I stood up from the chair and plopped myself next to the couch instead.

"Movie night?" I asked as I patted the empty spot next to me on the couch. I needed to do anything, anything at all to stop myself from thinking about Bill.

"Sure?" Jessica replied eyeing me suspiciously as she took a seat next to me. I pretended not to notice her questioning looks and switched on the tv. The same way I had switched on the lights that night Bill came over.

Stop it Ella

"What did you while I was gone?" Jessica asked as her eyes continued to be plastered onto the tv. I felt myself grow nervous at her question, like a criminal under detective questioning.

"Not much" I lied as I continued to watch the tv, wanting the conversation to die.

"Cool" she said as I sighed in relief at the funeral of the topic.

"It smells like cologne in here" she said as she closed her eyes and sniffed the air delicately.

"It's nice" she said as she gave me a side eye with a smirk on her face.

"Was he good?" She asked catching me so off guard that I almost choked on air.

"Excuse me?" I asked as I stood up trying not to laugh in embarrassment and give it away.

"In bed?" She said as she swayed her hand, giving me a look like I was the most clueless person in the world.

"I don't know what you're talking about" I said as I shook my head at her gross questions. I laid back down gently trying not to let my face get visibly red of embarrassment.

"He was good" Jessica laughed as she shifted her gaze onto the tv once again.

Yeah
He was good

At breaking my heart...

I laid awake that night, trying not to think of him but while I told myself not to think of him, I was thinking of him while doing so.

I kept turning in bed and everywhere my head landed, I was drowned in the scent of his cologne that lingered on my bed sheets.

A constant reminder

Torture

I wondered what he was doing tonight. Maybe in someone else's bed. In the arms of another victim.

Was she like me? Dark hair and eyes? A writer maybe? Someone who would write poetry about him? Maybe she liked coffee instead of hot chocolate and worked in the city?

Maybe she was winter
While I was summer

And Bill wanted spring all along.

I sat up in my bed, frustrated with myself.
Why was I letting this get to me?
Him get to me?

I felt like I was sinking into quicksand in the desert of his heart while everyone around me looked at me with sympathy in their eyes, the same way I had looked at them, or so I thought...

Maybe I wasn't like the others
Hurt, betrayed, alone

Maybe I wasn't like those other girls stranded in his vacant heart..

Maybe I was worst...