2am Habits (Bill Skarsgård love story)

Chapter 14

What do you when temptations become habits. And you find yourself sneaking out every Friday at 2 am even when you don't have anyone to hide from. It starts to feel like you're sneaking from yourself, or maybe the morals you left at home, the way you shut the door in your prides face before adjusting your rain coat and making your way down the dark street. You could hear them banging on your windows, begging for you to come back, but youre still dizzy from all the emotions and you haven't sobered up from desire yet so you don't know what you're doing, all you know is you want him as he waits for you in his car and how heavy your coat will feel from regret when you come home. And the scent of his cologne screams weakness, but the walk back into your room makes you feel triumph, at least until the morning.

So tell me...

What do you do then?

It had been days since I last saw Bill and yet a part of me felt attached to the small turbulence I endured with him... or because of him. I had gone over and over the different ways I might have failed and what I could have done better but a deep part of me told me it wasn't my fault at all, and I knew that was the truth. It wasn't my fault I fell for his overused tricks he used on multiple girls. I thought maybe if I convinced myself that I was indeed a victim of his good looks and charms I would feel better but if that was the case then why did I keep wanting to run back? Why did I wake up in the middle of the night craving his touch on me, my skin aching to feel his fingertips graze the most desirable parts of me. What if he was right? What if I was going to lose this game we were constantly playing? Or was I the only one playing this game and his participation was all a figment of my imagination?

A sudden knock on my front door jolted me from my thoughts and I gasped as my feet made contact with the cold wooden floor. I lazily walked over to the front door, opening it without thinking and not realizing how dangerous that actually was. My body froze when I made contact with familiar green eyes.

"Bill" I said as if he didn't know his own name.

"Ella" he mocked back as he looked behind me and into my apartment, almost as if he was checking if I was completely alone. He was dressed in comfortable winter attire and I realized I was letting in all the cold inside, causing goosebumps to raise all around my body or maybe his presence was the reason for that.

"I'm here to take you out to breakfast" he said as his eyes met mine once again.

"Just to talk" he added reassuringly.

"I wasn't aware of this" I blurted out as butterflies erupted in my stomach. He took a quick glance at my clothes before realizing it wasn't such a great idea after all.

"Well, maybe we can do it some other time" he said giving up easily and I could feel all the butterflies in my stomach die abruptly.

"We can have breakfast here" I blurted out as soon as he began to turn around.

"Since you came all the way here" I added quickly trying not to sound desperate. His face showed no emotion as he looked around before walking into the apartment. I closed the door after him, feeling the warmth reach my body once again, and maybe him standing in the middle of my small living room was the cause for that as well.

"Do pancakes sound fine?" I said as I walked to my kitchen cupboards. I could feel his eyes follow me as I set all the ingredients onto the kitchen counter.

"Ella" he said as his right ankle laid across his left thigh. He twisted his leather watch around his wrist as he studied me. I turned around quickly at the sound of my name and he seemed to notice because an amused look flushed his face for a second before his cold and serious demeanor came back.

"I hope you didn't think I was serious about breakfast" he said emphasizing the last word. A look of confusion washed over my face as he stood up and made his way towards me. I felt my head lean back as he towered over me.

"Bill what do you mean?" I asked as I felt myself grow nervous.

"We both know you haven't stopped thinking about me" he said as his hand reached up to play with a loose strand of hair that had slipped away from my messy ponytail.

"And I want you to admit it to me" he continued

"So we could move on from this" he added.

"I don't understand" I lied as my gaze dropped onto the floor. Looking him in the eyes seemed more difficult to do than usual in the moment.

"Ella, we both know lying will not get you very far" he said growing a bit impatient.

I suddenly slipped away from under his grasp, creating a fair distance between us. I turned to face him, feeling anger rise within me.

"Don't you dare" I said as tears welled up in my eyes.

"Don't you dare come into my life and make me feel things I have never felt before and then decide to leave me broken" I said praying my voice wouldn't crack.

"You don't get to come back and do this" I said as I waved my finger between us quickly.

"Ell-" he began to say before I cut him off.

"Get out" I said sternly pointing to the door.

He didn't fight me on my request and with one heavy sigh, he turned around and headed for the front door. I felt myself lose a bit of hope as he didn't put up a fight, I thought I would mean more to him than this. This all seemed to be some kind of game for him and me caving into him was a prize. I felt myself back up into the kitchen counter as he grabbed the door handle. Before I could muster a word, I saw Bill turn around completely and walk towards me in a fast pace.

"I hate you" he muttered before slamming his lips onto mine. I didn't hesitate to kiss back and soon we spiraled into a passionate make out session. It felt as if we were starving for each other's touch, like our mouths were dehydrated from the lack of affection. I know I should have pushed away, I should have forced him to leave. I knew I would regret this tomorrow in the morning or later in the evening when I retell myself the events that occurred in my kitchen earlier that day. If I felt any shame or guilt, I sure as hell couldn't feel it because somehow I knew the lust and burning desire I felt for him at that moment washed away any other feeling I had left in me. I felt him lift me onto the kitchen counter and my back slam lightly onto the marbled surface. I spread my arms to push off all the ingredients I had placed there earlier, not worried about the mess we had just made because everything felt too good in the moment. I knew deep down the physical mess on my kitchen floor would not compare to the mess of emotions I would endure later when he breaks me heart once and for all because nothing mattered more in the moment than feeling his lips on mine and being held by the scent of his cologne. He leaned forward in order to not break the kiss. He slid my body towards him, leaving my lips to gasp for air. His hands roamed my body in the most gentle ways and it felt like nothing could hurt me in that very moment, like I was safe from all the warning signals that flashed behind my closed eyelids. I wanted him in that very moment. I wanted him and his complete flaws and desire to hurt me. I wanted him and all the problems and heart ache that would come with along with him like heavy baggage, a birthmark he was born with and would die with, no matter how bad the pain would be. This was worth all the sleepless nights I would endure from a broken heart and all the tears that would make my pillow case heavy. It was all worth it... in that very moment.

"You said I made you feel things you never felt before" he said out of breath causing goosebumps to raise on the back of my neck.

"Let me make you feel those things again"