Pain, Love & Desire

Chapter 2| The Goodbye

CHAPTER 2

Take risks, It will be worth it. Don't you dare get comfortable in the same spot forever- Alyssa

Have you ever felt like you were drowning in your own thoughts? That you were so wrapped up in yourself you forget the people around you?

What if the people around me get tired of dealing with my shit? That I always forget about them. That I always shut everyone out.

I wouldn't care about these thoughts if I didn't realize It's been one week and 3 days since I have talked to Ryan.

Ryan was my support system. Sometimes it felt like I was using him because deep down I knew he had feelings for me but I never made anything official, I kissed him a few times, I even slept with him, But we are not together. Sometimes I question what we are, We definitely aren't friends. But I didn't want to give myself a headache with the thought, I had a busy day ahead of me.

I rolled out of bed and did my morning routine.I was not going to dress up today as I usually would.  I just threw on joggers and a white tee. Today was me and Sydney's moving day. Tomorrow would be my last day in Sunset Valley and my first day in Miami, It would also be my last day seeing my mom for a very long time. I'm almost certain she won't show any emotion when I leave tomorrow.

I took a quick look around my room. There were only a few packed boxes, I didn't want to completely empty out my room. That would make my mom feel like both of her daughters were completely gone.

I walked downstairs giving my mom a quick smile before walking outside.     The Uhaul was already on the curb with an eager Sydney standing next to it. "Heeeyyyy babe start bringing out some boxes" Syd commanded.

I gave her a quick hug with an air kiss before I ran back inside. As soon as I reached my room anxiety and worry flushed my insides. "Am I making the right decision? I would be so far from home, is that what I want? How would I survive in a new town with people I've never met? Would Sydney be my only friend? What about Ryan? Would I forget about him even though we are going to University together? What about my mom? What about my dad?" " Fuck" I uttered to myself.

My eyes became glossy and I tried to blink away the tears that were begging to fall down my face.  I couldn't stop it. I bowed my head in between my legs picking at the fabric of my worn joggers not knowing what to do. Sydney was outside waiting for me and I was in here.
Get it together Mya Elise. This isn't the time for you to have a mental breakdown. I wiped my eyes profusely so Syd wouldn't notice.

I grabbed three boxes balancing them on my thighs as I walked carefully down the stairs and out the front door. I pushed the boxes to the back of the Uhaul.

"Okay let's go to my dad's. I want to see him before I leave." I said to Syd as I climbed into the passenger's seat of my car. The Uhaul was hooked onto my BMW, So  when we left it would be easier to transport everything. I rarely drove my car when I was with Syd because she liked driving my car and I had no problem with it.

"What do you mean let's go? That's all you have to bring?" She stammered confused at the fact I only  brought out 3 boxes.

"Yeah, But I also have stuff packed in the backseat of my car so don't worry Syd" I said hoping that reassured her. I was ready to see my dad.

We drove for about 20 minutes until we made it to a neighborhood full of penthouses on the hills. There were palm trees that took up every inch of grass and houses with  terracotta roofs. "What's his house number?" Syd asked as she peered above the steering wheel about to make a swift turn. "The second house on this street," I said back. We pulled into the wide driveway. There were at least three cars that accompanied mine.

I did not plan on staying long because my dad's new girlfriend boiled my blood. I stepped out of the car alone, Syd decided to wait in the car for me inside of coming in. I rang the doorbell that sat on the large honey brown door which looked like it got repainted recently. My dad answered. "Sweet heart!" My dad's voice filled my spirits. He always put me in a good mood.

No matter the mistakes he made in the past I always found a way to forgive him. He and my mom got a divorce shortly after my sister passed. They couldn't handle the grief without blaming one another for Alyssa's decision. For a short while I was angry at my dad for leaving my mom, But now I understand how hard it must've been.

"Hey dad! I am leaving for Calvern tomorrow and I wanted to say goodbye before I left."

He didn't hesitate to pull me into a hug. His hug was warm and it made me feel safe. It made me feel like everything was going to be alright.

"Before you go, there's something I want to give you," He said walking into his house, I waited at the front door not wanting to encounter anyone I didn't want to see. Hee came back shortly with a beaded bracelet in his hand. The bracelet was missing beads and the threads were beginning to loosen. He looked at the bracelet then he looked up at me. His eyes welled with tears, his lips forming a smile. "Alyssa would have wanted you to have this. In case you ever feel lonely up there at Calvern. He put the bracelet of my hand and pulled me in for one last hug.
"I love you dad" i whispered into his chest
"To the moon and back" he spoke back to me.

-A Few Hours Later-

I layed in my bed knowing this will be the last night I sleep in here.  I examined my butterfly print comforter looking at the variety of colors it held when the doorbell ranged. No one in their right mind would be here this time of night. I went to the front door and looked out the peephole. It was Ryan. Opened the door slowly trying to read his facial expressions and I got nothing.

"Hey Ryan, I'm so sor-" He cut me off by placing his finger on my lips.

"You're forgiven. I promise." he said as his face was inches away from mine.

"O-Okay" I stuttered. I placed my hand over his.

"You know I care about you right? And that I would never intentionally hurt you?" I looked down at his hands. I couldn't look him in the eye. I felt guilty that I always ghosted him.

"I know" his voice was deep and ragged.

"Come with me tonight." He said.

I just nodded as I went to grab some necessities.

THIS is why I don't  know what me and Ryan are. I know he makes me happy and I love him. But only as a person. I know I am not In love with him.And soon I would have to risk whatever this is to admit my true feelings to him. But tonight I just wanted to sleep next to him.