Miserable at best

breathe me

be my friend, hold me
wrap me up, unfold me
i am small, i need you
hold me up, and breathe me
-sia
breathe me

ashton rolled over in bed and grabbed his phone, 5:02am. fuck, he thought. he wasn't feeling great and luke was sleeping soundly. he sighed and sat up, legs hanging off the side of the bed. he had been staying at luke's house for the past week and he was loving it. he placed his elbows on his knees and put his head in his hands, sighing. luke stirred in his sleep and ashton gave him a quick glance before getting up and walking downstairs. he brewed a fresh pot of coffee before walking outside with his mug of black coffee.

he walked into luke's backyard and climbed up the hill behind his house, sitting down at the top of it. he was alone, waiting for the sun to ride at an ungodly hour to be awake. he took a sip of coffee, set the mug down next to him, and stared at his wrists. all he wanted to do was relapse. his thoughts were fighting him while he watched the sunrise. he ran his hands through his hair and muttered fuck into the silence.

luke rolled over in his sleep and stuck an arm out to wrap around ashton, when his arm flopped down onto the bed it woke him up. in confusion he looked around before grabbing his phone, 5:45. disgusting. he rolled over and sat up before walking downstairs and looking out the window, he saw ashton sitting on top of the hill in his backyard and sighed. wasn't usually a great sign when ashton was isolating himself this early. he grabbed himself a cup of coffee and added a drop of milk into it. he had been forcing himself to add some type of calorie into his coffee in the morning. he walked outside into the 60 degree weather in nothing but a pair of sweatpants and climbed up to where ashton was sitting. the two sat in silence for a few moments before luke looked over to ashton

"you okay?" he asked, taking a sip of coffee

ashton bit his lip and took a sip of coffee "no" he said, emotionless.

"will you talk to me about it?"

ashton stayed quiet for awhile staring at his wrists while luke stared at him

"you wanna cut?" luke asked and ashton nodded "any reason in particular"

ashton stared into his coffee thinking through how he could explain his feelings to luke. "nothing triggered me if that what you mean. just woke up feeling shitty, like just really fucking bad. only way i know to relieve it is cutting"

luke nodded even though ashton wasn't looking at him. he felt so bad for ashton, he knew it was hard to stop doing something quickly and he's been struggling with it too. "anything i can do to help you"

ashton shook his head "i just wanna be alone luke"

luke didn't move. he wouldn't be leaving ashton alone today, if he was feeling so bad so early in the morning he knew it was gonna be a hard day. ashton wanted luke to leave. he wanted to let himself cry even though he doubted he would be able to but he wouldn't let himself with luke there. but he knew telling luke to leave him alone wasn't gonna make him go, so they sat together in silence, drinking coffee and staring at the sky.

shortly, ashton got up and luke followed him into the kitchen where they washed their mugs and ashton poured luke a bowl of cereal, watching luke eat while leaning on the counter. ashton never ate breakfast, before his eating disorder luke didn't either but now he had to. the two continued in silence which made luke uneasy. usually ashton was talkative during meal times which helped luke take his mind off of the meal he was eating. luke pulled his leg up onto the chair and set down his spoon, staring at his now half full bowl of cereal before looking over to ashton who was watching him.