Miserable at best

please stay

you tell me you love me
like it'll be the last time
like you're playing out the end of a storyline
I say I love you too because it's true
what else am I supposed to do?
-lucy dacas 
please stay

"so ashton how are you feeling today?"

he rolled his eyes at his therapist "fuck off"

"ashton this isn't going to work if you don't try"

"i said to fuck off karen. i don't want to be here so just do me a huge favor and fuck off"

ashton was angry. luke made him go to therapy and he was pissed about it. an hour slowly dragged by and by the time it was over ashton was dying to get out of there.

"how was it ash?" luke asked when he came into view

"not in the mood luke"

luke sighed. he knew ashton was in a bad mood today he was just hoping it might be better after therapy but it wasn't happening. "you wanna go home?"

ashton nodded pressing his head against the cool window. he wanted to self harm, really really badly. he felt like there wasn't anything else he could do that would make him feel better. he couldn't wait to get home

when the car pulled up to the house ashton made his way inside, mumbling something to luke about being worn out and needing to shower and nap. but when ashton got into the bathroom he sunk to the floor grabbing a blade from the cabinet, letting the tears he was holding back spill from his eyes

"you're so fucking worthless ash" he mumbled to himself digging the blade into his forearm multiple times creating about 15 deep slashes in his arm. tears plopped from his eyes onto his arms making the cuts sting even more. he was relieved but he also felt horrible.

he just relapsed

ashton was mad at himself. he was beyond mad, he wanted to die but instead of doing something else he would regret, he bandaged up his arms and got in the shower. then he put on a sweatshirt and sweatpants and going to see luke.

"ash!" calum yelled engulfing him in a hug. ashton didn't even know they were coming over

"hey man" michael said pulling ashton into a hug once calum released him.

"i didn't know you guys were coming" ashton mumbled. he felt horrible. he walked into luke's kitchen and started making himself a cup of coffee.

"how've you two lovebirds been?" calum asked

"we've been okay. i mean considering" luke said and calum and michael nodded "how about you guys though?"

"calum got broken up with and on the other hand crystal is amazing. i think i'm gonna marry her" michael bragged, calum rolled his eyes, and luke laughed but ashton stared out luke's kitchen window at the grey sky. exactly how he felt, his coffee was done now.

"ash?" michael whispered nudging him "you okay?"

"yes" ashton mumbled and slid on a pair of slides that were by the door before walking outside, making his way to the hill. he loved to sit alone on luke's hill when he felt bad. with a cup of coffee in hand, he sat down in complete silence.

michael watched ashton walk outside after he told him he was okay which was so not convincing. he walked over to luke "he okay?"

luke shook his head "hard day today. i don't even know what to do"

michael nodded "i got it"

he walked outside and up the hill, sitting down next to ashton and letting it be silent for a moment. "what's going on" michael said. breaking the silence