Miserable at best

fire away

and i will steady your hand
when you're losing your grip
and even if i don't understand
you can talk to me
fire away
-niall horan
fire away

luke sat in front of a plate of mac and cheese. his biggest fear food, with ashton sitting at the other end of the table staring at him. he was slowly but surely eating it while ashton ate his own plate at about the same pace as luke. ashton had started trusting luke a little more with eating, not watching him too carefully afterwards which was defiantly a mistake but luke loved it. it made him feel normal.

after about a half hour of eating luke was finally done with lunch and told ashton he was going to see his therapist when in reality, he cancelled this week. told her he was sick but he just didn't feel like going. he walked out of the house and to his car, pulling out of the driveway and driving around the block before stopping at a empty park and getting out. he walked behind a few bushes and sighed, sticking his fingers down his throat and making himself gag until something came up. he continued this until nothing wanted to come up other than bile and walked back to his car, mouth tasting like vomit. he grabbed his water bottle out and swished a mouthful of water around before spitting it out and getting back in his car. he hadn't purged in awhile and it felt good but he also knew he was disappointing people. he knew it was bad to not go to see his therapist. he sat back down in the drivers seat of his car and drove to the nearest vitamin store. in search of weight loss medications. he was strolled in and confidently made his way to the weight loss isle, grabbing a bottle of meridia, it wasn't supposed to be sold anymore but they had it nonetheless. he made his way through checkout and popped a pill while walking back to his car.

-

it had been about two weeks since luke bought the pills, he was keeping them in a shoebox in his closet and he was losing weight while still eating a bit. since his portions were still so small the pills were working as if he was on a diet. he had started working out before and after showering, or basically whenever ashton left him alone. he wasn't really experiencing many side effects from the laundry list the pill had. he was feeling a little more depressed, suicidal even but that wasn't really crazy to him, he just thought it was because he was relapsing. he also now had a constant stomach ache, which almost made it easier to not eat a lot.

like this morning when he was served pancakes drenched in syrup, he wasn't lying to ashton when he told him he had a horrible stomach ache. and when ashton took his temperature he had a fever which let luke off for being alone for most of the day. he knew the fever and stomach ache were side effects of the pill. as well as the constant nausea and headaches. it meant it was working.

ashton had yet to notice that luke was losing weight, he was doing a good job of hiding it. sweatpants and hoodies almost always, it was winter which made it easy for him to keep this sweatsuit uniform up. michael was coming over today, he wanted to borrow some of luke's jewelry and a pair of vans. he had some type of date tonight. luke walked into the bathroom, turning on the shower and clocking in a quick 20 burpees before he hopped in the shower.

ashton was downstairs, fucking around with a guitar when michael rung the doorbell and ashton let him in. he told michael to go upstairs and grab whatever he needed, that luke was showering but should be out soon.

michael walked upstairs and into luke's closet, man did the guy have a lot of shoes. michael opened a few boxes of shoes before grabbing a the fourth vans box and opening it finding not a pair of shoes but a bottle of pills. he bit his cheek and googled "meridia" he sighed as he read what it was, grabbing the bottle and sitting on luke's bed, waiting for him to come out. he continued reading the list of side effects, depression and suicidal thoughts stuck out to him because fuck - luke should not be taking this.

maybe 10 minutes passed before luke walked into his room and was visibly surprised by michael's presence but even more surprised when he saw what he was holding

"michael it's not what it looks like" he said

"really luke? because it looks like you're taking weight loss pills. have you read the side effects on these?"

luke sighed and bit his lip

"you have haven't you. experiencing any?"michael said to which luke shrugged and michael shook his head "depression, suicidal thoughts, stomach ache, nausea, anxiety, stroke, chronic heart failure, rash, chest pain, trouble breathing - you read all this and you kept taking it? do you have any luke"

"stomach pain, headaches, nausea, depression is worse but that's just because i'm relapsing, a little suicidal"

"have you been suicidal before this"

luke shook his head

"why the fuck are you taking this"

"i feel gross. i'm too fat with all the eating"

"when did you buy them and where? how'd ashton not find out?"

"few weeks ago, told ash i was going to therapy. i went out and purged and then went to a vitamin store"

michael shook his head "fuck luke. i thought you were getting better. we have to tell ashton"

"no michael please. i just wanna be skinny" luke whined "please michael i like this"

"and you get to the chronic heart failure side effect luke? or the suicidal thoughts are so bad that you kill yourself? what the fuck do i do then? i know you're taking this. if you die it's on me. i know if i get rid of this you're just gonna go buy more"

he wasn't wrong and luke knew that which is why he agreed with michael. letting him tell ashton.

"sit on the bed luke" michael said walking out of the bedroom and yelling for ashton. luke licked his lips and played with his fingers. shortly michael and ashton came in and ashton sat down next to luke on their respective sides of the bed, criss cross applesauce while michael sat across from them.

"so ash as you know i just got here, was looking in luke's closet for a pair of shoes and i opened a shoe box and found these" michael said, picking up the bottle of pills from between his legs "they're diet pills. with horrible side effects, not supposed to be sold anymore. luke said he's been taking them for a few weeks and is experiencing some of the side effects" he said looking over to luke, giving him a 'your turn to talk' look to which he nodded

"i've been exercising more. you know how i told you my stomach hurt this morning so i didn't eat?" luke asked and ashton nodded while michael stared sympathetically "it's a side effect of the pills. fever, nausea, headache, stomach ache, depression" he paused and michael nodded "suicidal thoughts"

"and you knew about these before you started?" ashton asked and luke nodded "are you gonna be able to eat again without professional help"

luke froze. he didn't think ashton would bring up getting help "i can do it"

"are you sure?" michael asked "because you weren't taking pills before"

he was right but luke didn't care "i'll be fine. i can do it"

ashton turned to face luke "we're going back to before i trusted you on this you know? fully watching you eat, supervised after eating, no alone showers, all that jazz?"

luke sighed "i know. i'm sorry ash"

ashton smiled sadly at luke "i love you"