When I was younger, I had a jacket.
I loved this jacket with all of my heart.
It was a denim one with little jewels on the back that made a picture of Minnie and Mickey Mouse. And I wore it everywhere.
It made me feel badass, although at the time, I didn't know the term.
It was so different than everything else I wore. It was slightly darker. And thinner than the test of my jackets.
When I was little, I had a lot of friends. They were all so different than me.
I was short. They were tall.
And I remember everyone was so white.
I mean, I went to a pretty white washed school.
And I also remember everyone asking me how you say school in Spanish. Like they needed to know because it was important in their five- or six-year-old brains.
Let me save you the trouble, in Spanish, escuela is school.
And then they'd say, "Why don't you speak Spanish here?" Or "Say something in Spanish."
I speak in English because you can't understand me if I speak Spanish. And why do you want me to say something in Spanish? To prove I know Spanish. Like validation is important because if I don't know how to speak another language I'll be another white washed person at a white washed school?
The jacket was stained a lot.
I remember going into school one day, nervous as all hell. See, I was testing to see if I would get into another school. That was slightly more advanced than the one I'd been going to.
And I told my best friend, Bette.
And she told me I had no chance of getting in. Because I was too short.
And that stung. So, I went and took the test. Asked for help in a lot of the problems.
And I remember when my mom got a call saying I had been placed in the school. But, I'd have to take 2nd grade math. In 4th grade. And so I believed Bette.
I remember in sixth grade I'd had no friends. So I made a group of friends. And I told myself they thought if me as their friend but I knew that they didn't deep down.
And one day, both of them got in a fight and chose a side.
And the other said things that I didn't want said about me.
And I got into my car and I couldn't even talk to my mom. I just began bawling.
But it got washed, although, I liked to believe a fairy lived in my house and got rid of all the stains. And the jacket was almost good as new.
Almost.
I got into the school and at first I was put into a class that was behind grade level. But then I got put into 5th grade math, and I thought, Bette is still in 3rd grade math.
And I was so proud.
But in 7th grade, I got an F because we had gone to Vegas and I still had to make up my late work. So my teacher called my mom and told her that since I had skipped another grade level of math, it might be good for me to get put in 7th grade level math, and taken out of pre-algebra.
Well, I'm about to test into Geometry since, I'll be in high school now. And I'm nervous. As fuck.
I left that not-friend. She was a bully anyway.
And I became friends with a girl. And we were closer than before.
But last year, she stopped talking to me. Out of no where. And I didn't talk to them because I thought they were mad at me.
So, now 2 years later I have a thing called social anxiety. Which, has always been there but is more pronounced now.
And very little friends.
But then it'd get stained again.
This summer I volunteered at my local library.
While, yes it had its good parts, it made feel awful.
Sure, I met the person I like there, but other things made me not want to ever go back.
I always had an early shift. Either opening, or the 11 shift. But for some reason, I took a late shift that day.
And I saw my mom outside, but my shift wasn't over, so I continued to read because no customers had come in. And I was startled by a woman who, as she was walking in, yelled, " Go Trump!" We were all surprised, I mean who yells that?
So she began talking to her friend, and she mention this lady who had been outside.
How she felt bad for her because a man who sitting in front of her was telling her to learn English. And to show him her green card, and that's why she had yelled Trump. My immediate reaction is to look at my mom, and she was the only one there in front of the only guy there. And I remember thinking, so your way of dealing with this man, is by yelling sarcastically, and in a way, encouraging him?
And the person taking over after my shift just wouldn't show up, so I stayed. Until my mom came in and I told the front desk that we had to leave. And I told them about the guy, security walked us back to our car.
And I cried.
If I had just gone outside, if I hadn't waited for the next person, my mom wouldn't be crying, my mom wouldn't be hurt.
One day, we went to my favorite restaurant and I took my jacket off, because I have this weird thing where I can't eat with a jacket on.
And we finished, paid the bill, and left. But I didn't get my jacket.
So we drove off, and I cried and cried. And a couple days later, we went back to look for it.
I'd like to say that, by some miracle, the jacket was still there.
But it wasn't.
And so now, I remember the past. How confident I was. How many friends. And now.
I don't have a lot of friends. I'm quiet, I like to sit in the corner and just read or let my imagination run wild. I'm just so different than before.
No, that jacket was gone, and I'd never see it again.
