There’s a certain rush I get from consciously doing the wrong thing.The way my blood pumps around my body at lightning speed as I take a drag of that cigarette or as I jump in my car at 2am, driving wherever the road takes me. It wasn’t always like this, I didn’t always long for getting an adrenaline rush from anything or anyone who would give it to me. But now that I had the burning desire for it, I knew there was no way of getting rid of it.
Rewind to 6 months ago. I was a quiet, stereotypical “Good girl”. In other words I was boring. I just went by everyday doing things to please other people, Doing my homework to please my teachers, Getting good grades to please my parents. It seemed the only person I wasn’t pleasing was me.
Don’t get me wrong not everything was bad in a my life. I had a boyfriend, take note of the had. His name was Jack and honestly we were kind of perfect for each other. We fit like a jigsaw puzzle but eventually the jigsaw has to be put back in the box. The only thing I regret about changing was hurting him. I’ve never exactly asked him if I hurt him but I see it all over his face, when he walks by and some guy has me pinned against the wall.
Out of everything from my old life, he was the one thing I wish I could have kept, but our lives are just too different now. Jack isn’t exactly an angel either but he’s sensible, unlike me. Sometimes when I’m coming down from my adrenaline rush, I do think about it. Think about going back to my old life, going back to him. But honestly I don’t think he would want me.
How did all of this happen? It’s not very poetic at all. I didn’t start questioning my life one day and decide to change my life. It was all very spontaneous. During Summer last year, Jack went on vacation to Florida with his family and I was left alone to mourn his absence. Which I did, for the first few weeks, then it got slightly depressing waiting for him to call or text from the poolside while I sat on the couch watching TV in the rain.
It was all starting to get a little cliche, the girl waiting for her true love to return to her. Really I have my mom to thank for the way my life has turned out. She’s the one who needed me to go get her milk at 12am in the middle of July. I walked into the store and bought the milk but she never got it. As my Mom was unaware, the local store is where all the burn outs hang around and at the time I was also unaware of this.
Usually I would have walked away ignoring their invitations, but this day I didn’t. The cigarette dangling out of her mouth was calling out to me. I wasn’t sure at the time if I was just missing Jack or if it was something else. But I knew as soon as I took the first drag that their was no going back.
When Jack returned, he didn’t believe it at first when people told him. He thought it was some kind of joke I was playing on him. He followed me to the store a few times but eventually gave up when he knew I was never going to leave with him. I’ll admit it was harsh of me, to leave him like that without explaining myself. I didn’t even give him a proper break up either, I just hoped he assumed.
I didn’t see him for the rest of the Summer and I became sort of numb to my feelings to him. I thought if I couldn’t see him hurt it wasn’t real. It was the first day of school today and I was contemplating whether or not to bother going in. All I was going to get was judgment from people who had heard from a friend of a friend that I went crazy or something.
My parents have almost completely given up on trying to change me back, and it’s probably for the best. They’re not going to force me to go into school today so why should I bother? But it was it was 8am and I was awake so I thought I might as well just go in for the first day.
