The Dracula Index - Vampire Epoch//01

10 - Mell

I wonder about that, in fact. I care for her so deeply, but it almost seemed as if she wanted them to shoot her. Unlike me, Edie was always less inquisitive. Wondering about what existed beyond the desolate patch would keep her up nights. I know she would never try to escape. The only thing that makes sense is that she wanted to be shot. I don't know. She was clearly terrified of Crevan, and what he was planning to do with her. Edie would not have been allowed to complain. Anything a Breeder wants, he gets. And new Bearers get it the worst. They often visit Hospital House in the weeks following Commencement. And that's without a bullet through the shoulder.

I don't know if I want to write this part. Maybe I should. It is certainly a disagreeable. Here goes. Lane and Roz were talking late at night once about the Breeders. I heard them from the share-cot. They said that the Breeders have a lottery to decide who gets to be the first to "have a go" at the new Bearer. That the lottery is especially full with participants when the Bearer is like Edie — small, beautiful, and terrified. There was a woman like that a few years ago always in and out of Hospital House. She died in childbirth. I wonder if it was a welcomed end. My poor Edie. That should have been me. I won't be forgetting the luck I've received anytime soon. I suppose all thanks should be to Elder Priest, for interceding on my behalf through prayers.

Hmm, that doesn't feel right.

Maybe I'll cross it out later.

I almost hope for Edie's sake that the infection spreads, and she becomes a risky choice for Bearer. That way, Edie's job-head might decide to transfer her to a new life-job. Crevan doesn't appear to notice her absence anyway. The most beautiful women are Bearers, and not all of them are as gentle and innocent as Edie. And Crevan is attractive and strong, in the way a Breeder should be. I'm certain his hunger has been satisfied. Bryne is much quicker and stronger than Crevan, but he hid his talents well. I'm glad my sweet Bryne wasn't pinned as a Breeder. I would go to bed sad every night knowing that those women were having him when I never could.

I'm tired. I guess I should go to sleep. Sometimes I've wondered late at night, like this, if Bryne and I had made a mistake. If we had just followed the path set out for us, we could have been with each other and kept it a secret. Bryne would have eventually been okay seeing me with others, and I with him. At least we could have been with each other and created new life in our image. Even if the Elders told us not to make bonds with our offspring, we could have. In secret. I'm so dumb. I was worried about having the life of a horre, whatever that term is supposed to mean. Roz knows, I think. I have avoided a future as a Bearer for so long that I don't think I ever stopped to realize what I would be missing — a chance to see myself in another person. To be a mother. I wonder if my mother thinks that when she sees me. Her name is Bearer Emma. We made eye contact once in Mess Hall when I was seventeen. I swear there was a moment shared between us before she walked away and joined the others, laughing. Most of the Breeders and Bearers are always happy. They get everything.

I hope I haven't let Bryne down. I'm the one who suggested the idea. I wish he would look at me. He could look at me right now if he only turned to his right. He's in the bed across the room.

I've never shared bunks with men. It's not as interesting as I had thought it would be. I've seen Bryne with his shirt off again. But I guess we're family. I'm not ever supposed to see him the way I did outside Bunkhouse Girls on the night of Elder Farolyn's scream and the dust mound. Will I ever stop seeing Bryne that way? I hope not. If it becomes too much, I wonder if I will beg Oscar to let me leave in secret. Maybe I'll wait until the day they ask me to do something beyond the fences and I can just run. At least, then, dying will be my own decision. Every breath will be owned, and I'll have nothing else to do but live. Maybe I should do that.

I hope none of these idiot Generals reads this. If they do, I'll be exiled for sure. Even then, that's another way out. An easier way. What would I even bring with me? Funny, I've never had to fend for myself. I wouldn't know where to begin with food. They taught us so little. That was probably on purpose. The less we know, the more we are unable to take care of ourselves. And so we fall in line.

Goodnight, Notes Book. I hope that the next time I pencil something, the words I write will have a more uplifting tone. Goodnight, my sweet Bryne. I promise I will never stop loving you.