Going Home

Chapter 13: Caoimhe's Thoughts

Excerpts from Caoimhe's Journal:

April 11th, 1831
I've decided to start keeping a journal to keep my sanity about all of this. Honestly, I feel like the Caoimhe I was back in Boston has been slowly slipping away. As if it was all a dream. Alexandre and I returned home from Adele's wedding two days ago. I stood by my word and moved into a separate room. It's not fair; I didn't ask to be sent here, I didn't ask to be married. Probably what's most important is that I didn't ask to fall in love with him. Not gonna lie, I always found him attractive. You'd have to be insane not to; he's literally the cutest guy I've ever seen. However, most women would probably find his personality a turn-off and at times, it really is. He's moody, is pretty one track minded, stubborn, and sometimes standoffish. It's no wonder that Grantaire calls him a statue. Speaking of Grantaire, sometimes I wonder if he has feelings for Alexandre or if he just admires him; it's honestly hard to tell because Alexandre is so mean to him, yet he keeps coming back for more. I'm beat, so... I guess I'll write again soon? I'll die if someone finds this. 

April 30th, 1831
Why? Just WHY? I've been busy lately, so I haven't written anything since my first entry. Though that's evident by there being only one entry. My "lovely" mother-in-law has sent Josephine, one of the maids I met in Saint-Etienne, to work for us. I wonder if by working for us, she's spying on us. I had to move back in with Alexandre, who by the way, has been ignoring me. But, now he has no choice but to pay me attention now that Josephine is coming to stay with us. Now, my movements are going to be restricted. I need to make up some friends or meetings or something. Maybe have "tea with Musichetta" once or twice a week or join a "poetry club". I hope I can still help Madame Houcheloupe. Now I have to wear these uncomfortable dresses all of the time. Joy. (Note added later in the day: Alexandre thinks it's best I not attend the meetings as often as before and that I should stop working for Madame. I told him I didn't like the sound of this, but he insisted and said that he would find a way for me to visit Madame. We'll see if I will work.)

May 15th, 1831
Today, Alexandre and I went for a walk around Luxembourg Garden and then lunch. This is the closest thing to a date I've had with him, ever. Not much was said, I think because we were both nervous. We haven't interacted much since we kissed. It was weird at first, but Josephine can't know that something is off about our marriage. It's already bad enough that she'll know whether or not I'm pregnant; no doubt she'll tell Madame Enjolras that we're not even trying. I have nothing against Josephine at all. I actually like her a lot. I've made it a rule that she MUST call me by my first name, she is to speak her mind always, and that just because she's our servant, doesn't mean she doesn't have rights. She's really shy around Alexandre, but that's no surprise. He's intimidating (at least when he's mad).  He finally explained to me how they were able to obtain that birth certificate. It turns out that Combeferre has a friend that is able to forge these things. It seems to be much easier in this time than it is back in my time. I wouldn't say this date was particularly romantic. We talked about  politics, he asked me about home, and we talked about what we should do now that Josephine is part of our household. We're still trying to hold off on consummating our marriage. It's just too weird. We have decided to tell Josephine that I'm expecting and just wait for my period to happen. It sounds terrible, but what else can we do? He's writing a letter to his mother now telling her the "good news".

May 30th, 1831
Alexandre and I have been getting along well. I don't really see a lot of him still, especially right now. He's been extremely busy with the election coming up and keeping up with his schooling. But, we spend every Sunday together to keep up appearances. Yesterday was quite eventful.  I did tell Josephine that I was expecting to throw them off as planned and his mother wrote back, ecstatic that she was going to be a grandmother. However, I got my period yesterday. The look on Josephine's face was heartbreaking. She would have run to get the doctor, but Alexandre insisted on getting Joly, that way it would guarantee our secret would be safe. He wrote to his mother last night to deliver the "sorrowful" news.