November 21, 2014
It's been three days. Three days since we talked last. I thought that we were finally getting somewhere together. The last three days have only made me feel worse mentally and physically. My health has been declining tramatically. It's gotten so bad that I cannot stand any type of movement. It's killing me to write right now, I think I'm going to the doctor.
December 5, 2014
I haven't wrote in a while, because a) I've been in the hospital b) they put me in a medically indused colma to help me get better. Good news is I feel a lot better and can move without feeling like I'm dying, bad news is that because I was unconscious for several days my voice is complete shit. I'm not sure what's going to happen next with the band, but I do realize that I've been "sleeping" or whatever, for so long that I missed Thanksgiving. I know it's an American holiday, but I can't pass up the opportunity for the good food.
As far as I know, I've had no visitors besides when Ashton dropped me off at the hospital. Not even my family came, like what the hell? Am I not important or did the guys just not tell them? Even if they didn't, there's people practically watching our every move, so they'd have to have found out some how, right? It makes me feel bad about myself, you know? Like they don't care enough to come and check on me or something.
I'm back at the house with the guys with perscribed antibiotics and four pain in the asses. Yes four. Ruby counts.
All day this is what I hear; "Have you taken your medicine today?" "How are you feeling?" "Get away from him!!!!"
bitch you get away from me, I can smell your fishy stank a mile away. Okay, wow that was mean, but she deserves it. We go on tour again soon, and I'm excited because Ruby will finally be gone. Away. No more of her for at least six months. All I can say is thank god.
I hate her guts, in case you didn't know.
I've been instructed not to talk for a week, I don't understand how that's supposed to help, like I've been in a colma for 2 weeks, a third isn't going to help it any, but I do as they say.
Let me tell you, it fuckin sucks. We still have to do interviews and I still have to go. I can't say anything! Ugh it's so boring. Michael still hasn't said anything to me since the incident with his girlfriend and it's tearing me apart. Luke will text me when we're in the same room, asking if I want to talk but I look at him and shake my head. He always gives me a sad look, but I set my phone down, not caring, and leave. It's a cycle that never stops. Except yesterday Michael was searching through my phone when I got back to get it. I had snatched it from him and opened my mouth to scream at him, but last second I remembered that I couldn't. I almost punched him in the face, god that's annoying when people go through my stuff. Did I take my medication today..?
December 6, 2014
Screw it, I'm talking. I don't care anymore.
So my voice sounds like it's been through the garabage disposal and through a cheese grater all at once. So I don't talk that much. Michael did talk to me today. He asked if I was feeling better and said it was good that I did. I hate having a conversation like that with him. Speaking of, I need to go Christmas shopping. I don't know how that relates, but I thought of it so you know. I have an idea of what to get everyone except Michael.
What should I get him?
My mind is blank when I think of something, so maybe a little help? Oh who am I kidding, you're a book.
December 7, 2014
I realize that all I do in here is complain. Nobody's going to judge. I might as well vent this time so here it goes. 94. That's how many cuts I've added in the passed 16 days. It's not that much compared to how much it used to be. I, once again, am spiralling down into the pool of depression that once consumed my life and I'm welcoming it. There's a pit of despair in my stomach that just keeps growing little by little, day by day.
I really, just want Michael Clifford back in my life.
December 9, 2014
Today, wordlessly, Michael laid with me on the couch and cuddled me. I mentioned earlier that I was feeling sick again and he just did it. I think someone put him up to it.
a/n: hayy I really like how I'm getting comments I love reading them and love that you guys like this! hehehehehe I cuzz a lot if you dont know like yeah double update because you rad
