A/n: I have no life all I do is update lol
somebody tell me that this is all some twisted dream. that its not real please, im begging you anyone! save me from this hell
-calum
I did it again.
I distanced myself from them all over again. Why would he do this to me? Why would he confide in me to tell me that he's going to ask to marry her. Did I do something wrong?
Oh yeah. I fell in love with him.
There's an aching in my chest, with every beat of my heart I feel like there's someone stabbing me over and over again.
Im bleeding, I can't stop the heavy flow of emotions that each wound releases. It's like I can't breathe. I'm suffocating in my own sadness, and I can't help but feel my demons drink me away quicker and quicker with each passing second. Why was I born into a world where my other half, my soul mate, wont accept who he is. He won't accept that it's me, it's me he should be with not her. Not some girl that he barely even knows.
Can someone just cut out my heart? Someone cut it out and mail it to my mother right after ypu inspect it. Inspect it to see how many holes were left there, how many pieces of it shriveled away. I hope you notice how small it is. Maybe it's the size of a small dog's heart, I don't know, but please know that the parts that shriveled away and the pieces that were where the holes are, those parts are Michael's. Those were the parts of my heart that belonged to Michael, the parts that had feelings, the parts that lurched when we kissed or cuddled.
Is it so wrong to feel this way about someone? To take your own life, or give it to them? Many people all over the world do this all the time. Soldiers from America do it for their country, they fight for their freedom, mothers starving in Africa give their children their food instead of taking it for themselves.
When I die, please tell Michael that it isnt his fault, even though I'm not even talking to anyone. Somebody probably will tell him anyway but if anyone is reading my mind right now, please tell him.
Right now, staring up at the ceiling of my bunk, I wonder what would happen if we ever had a chance together. Would I still be in the band? Would I be the one marrying him? Maybe I'd be happy, not contemplating the consequences of suicide all over again. I think and think and think until I realise that there are no cons. What bad would happen if I died? There's not a thing in this world that could make me want to stay except maybe my mum. I don't want to live if I have to see Michael's happiness be caused by someone else.
I don't want to see him grow old with her and have children named Marco and Suzanne with her. The swelling in my chest continues to grow as I think of the subject.
I close my curtain just as the door opens. "Hey Calum you wanna go out to eat?" Luke calls and I dont answer. I spend the few moments of silence trying to calm myself down before he sees me. "Calum?" he calls again and I take a deep breath and wipe my eyes. "Ca-" I open my curtain and jump out.
"Yeah, I'll meet you out there let me get changed real quick." I tell him quickly and shoo him out of the bus and go into my bathroom. I splash my face with water and change my shirt before I meet the boys outside of the bus after making sure I had no sign of crying left on my face.
"Ready." I say and follow them towards a small restaurant without another word. We get seated in less than twenty minutes and I sit across from Luke and next to Michael and Ryan. I didn't necessarily want to sit next to Michael but I guess he really wanted to sit next to me so I don't say anything.
We eat dinner in silence, my thoughts always seemed to consume me whenever I become involved in conversation, so I stayed out to avoid multiple apologies and weird glances. I order a salad, something light so it doesn't hurt so much to throw it up later, and narely pick at it.
I flip over pieces of lettuce and roll over tomatoes and croutons, making them as soggy as I could before finally set my fork down, not even wanting any food anymore.
"Calum, are you okay?" Luke asks, his eyes flickering to my almost untouched salad.
"Yeah, I'm just not that hungry." I mumble, sipping at my water. He looks at me for a second before nodding and going back to his food. The rest of dinner was long and boring. Nobody wanted the guy who couldn't pay attention in their conversations.
We go to the buses and I go straight to my bunk and lay down again. I forget to lock the door once I get in and just lay there, facing the wall. When someone someone lays down next to me, my heart nearly jumps out of my chest.
"I don't know who you are, but please don't kill me." I say, causing the stranger to chuckle.
"Calm down, Calum. It's just me." he says and I sigh in relief, turning to face him.
"Why didn't you eat, Cal?" he asks, pulling me to his chest.
"I wasnt hungry." I say and he sighs, his eyes wandering for a bit.
"Are you okay, calum?" he asks and thats when my face contorts a look of pain before I take a deep breath,
"Michael is going to ask Maya to marry him." I whisper.
"Oh, Cal." Luke mumbles, playing with my hair. "I'm sorry."
"I-I thought I at least had a chance, you know?" I mumble painfully. "I was wrong."
a/n; hello
I love grease bye the next part is the last and make sure you read the author's note at the end.
