What if I die?

7

CHAPTER SEVEN: One-sided

Ciara's pov

Wala akong ganang umakyat patungo sa kuwarto ko after I heard their conversation. If only my heart could allow me to leave him, I'll do it right away. I won't hesitate to leave this house and never turn my back again to him. I want to unlove him, but there's no such thing. It's so hard that I just want to die to stop myself from struggling.

But it was my heart that kept stopping me from leaving him. My heart wanted me to stay here and bare all the pain I was experiencing. It's toxic, I know. But what could you do if you loved someone so much that you wanted to take everything at risk just to be with him?

Am I the only one who's like this? Or does someone understand how I feel? It's hard and I felt so sorry for the person who has the same situation as me.

I let my body fall on the bed and did not complain to the pain when I finally felt them as I let my body rest. I didn't mind those wounds and bruises on my body that were aching.

May mas sasakit pa ba sa mga katotohanan na nalaman at nakita ko ngayong araw? Is there any more painful than the fact that your husband was so comfortable bringing his woman into your house while his wife was struggling and locked up in the abandoned room? It's so funny that he never hesitated hurting me, and still has the courage to make it look like I'm not really worthy for him, that even if we're married, I can't do anything if he wants to get married to someone else.

Muli ko inalala ang mukha ni Tyron kanina, on how happy he was to be with and talk to the woman he loved. Kailan ko kaya mararamasang makita 'yun? When will I get a chance to see his genuine smiles that I am the reason behind?

Maybe, the moment I was already laying on the white bed, peacefully sleeping with a cold and lifeless body.

Unluckily, I won't see his smile because I can't open my eyes anymore at that time.

I chuckled, a pain was so visible as I forcedly smiled as I thought of the reason, marahil iyun naman talaga ang katotohanan. He would be so happy seeing me lying down and lifeless, wouldn't he? Instead of tears, he'll just stare at me with his victorious smile.

Tumayo ako mula sa pagkakahiga at dumiretso sa harap ng aparador ko para kuhanin ang first aid at sinimulang linisin ang mga galos ko sa katawan na hindi na nawala-wala, dahil mas lalo lang itong nadaragdagan kada araw na lumilipas.

"Ah!" I moaned when I felt the pain as I unintentionally pressed the cotton hard on my knee. I felt like tearing up not because of the pain, but because of the fact that I can't fight back even if I have a right and I know I can.

But every time my conscience eats me up because of the thought that I ruined his life, I stop myself from fighting back. Thinking that I deserve this because I became so impulsive in my life, ruining someone's life for my own happiness. Isn't that unfair to him? He's there getting excited and can't stop thinking about kneeling down in front of his girlfriend not knowing on that day, he'll be tied to someone else, to someone he doesn't know and love, he'll be tied to me. To someone so selfish like me.

And now here I am, facing all my consequences for being selfish in life. Getting hurt physically and secretly suffering mentally because of my health. This karma is really something, I only made a mistake once in my life but the punishment was so terrible and unacceptable, grabe kamatayan? Hindi ba't parang sobra naman ata 'yun, Lord? O hindi pa 'yun sapat? Baka may gusto pang dumagdag sa lahat ng hinanakit ko, huwag kayong mahiya, saktan niyo lang ako. Last niyo na rin naman 'tong magagawa sa'kin, kaya lubos-lubusin niyo na.

Mamatay na rin naman ako.

I sighed. Stop being so dramatic, Ciara. You wanted this, so bear with it.

"Bakit ba sobrang lampa mo? Maglalakad ka na lang, madadapa ka pa." I talked to myself as I stared at my wounds. I remember those times that I can't stand properly anymore whenever he's hurting me.