WHEN BREATH BECOMES AIR

WHEN LIGHTING STRUCK MY HEAD

"More than anything I wish that you
Could glimpse yourself through
My eyes and, in the moments
Forget that you were ever anything
Other than beautiful"

"Is she okay?" A familiar voice entered my ear and I tried to respond it but my legs seemed to be unable to move and slowly I drifted into precious and delicious sleep.
~~~
I woke up as if lightning struck my head. Beside me was sitting Theo, dark circles formed under his eyes telling me that he was sleep deprived.
His hands were locked with mine and he shouted," nurse please call the doctor"
His pale face lightened up and his lips parted into smile.
"What exactly happened?" I asked rubbing my head with my head subconsciously .
"You really don't need to know about it" he assured.
"But..." I was saying but trolled off when I saw myself on IV. What the...
I looked at myself and saw myself in patient clothes, drip was been given to me and several minutes kept check on my heartbeat etc.
"What the heck is it?" I asked Theo in a demanding voice.
"Wolfie, you were in coma from past two weeks" he said as he gave in
"What?!" I exclaimed.
I was in coma from past two weeks, oh god!!!.
Mom, where is she, was the first thing that strikes my mind.
"Where is mom, did she .." I couldn't complete the sentence as three figures in green clothes came in along with my mom.
My mom was no better than Theo, if only she was way worse, her hair scattered like it was a nest, streaks of silver grey emerged as she didn't bothered to dye them. Her face was pale and she looked like she wasn't eating. Her eyes were red and puffed with dark circles under them. In short she looked like a total mess.
Doctors came and started to check me, as if I was going to die.
"What the heck is it all about?" I asked
"Should  we tell her" said one of them .
"I think we should tell her" said the another one.
"Excuse me I am right here so please stop talking to me like a third person and tell me what?" I blurted out.
" Umm.. you came here two weeks ago, all in a mess, blood was flowing through your mouth and you heart was beating slowly, the BP was low too.
We tried to wake you up, tried everything, gave you shocks but nothing happened. You were in coma.
Last week you had a heart attack and your conditions went worse than they already were. We practically assumed that you won't live long enough,
Then that boy - as she pointed at Theo - told us that you were going unconscious from past few weeks and were sleeping too much, and you kept on stumbling.
We ran some blood test and MRI and CAT scans, until..."
She trolled off.
"Until what?" I asked.
"Until they found what the real problem was" mom said.
"What? Why are you guys starting at me with that pity look in your eyes?" I asked as I felt self conscious as I felt all the five pair of eyes staring at me sending me chills down my spine.
" You have brain cancer Lilli" Theo said.
~~~
The sound kept echoing in my brain. I have brain cancer, God, what the hell???
"Are you sure?" I asked in disbelief.
"They rechecked it again Lilli, you have brain cancer." Mom recalled.
"I am fine, I am fine" I repeated and reassured myself.
"How bad is it?" I asked.
"It had reached stage II, you are quite lucky" the female dac said. The word lucky stung ne like a bitch.
"How many days have I have to live?"I asked.
"Two years maximum" one of them replied.
" Can't you remove the tumor" I asked as my mom looked at me with pain flashing in her eyes.
"You can but..." She trolled off.
Why is everyone trolling off?
"But what?" I asked .
" But you will lose your memories and your emotions" the doctor completed.
" I think you should get the tumor removed" Theo said breaking the silence and all the the pair of eyes were now on him.
Mom thought for a minute before mumbling," you should get the tumor removed" I was was shocked, it felt like thousand lighting striking my head.
"What's wrong with you guys?" I asked slightly abacken by their words.

"Lilli, you will live" my mom said.
"I won't live, I would exist, there is a difference" I practically yelled.
There was a strange silence hanging in the room.
So I continued,"  mom look at me.
The purpose of this glorious life is not simply to ensure it, but to soar, stumble and flourish as we learn to fall in love with our existence, for we were born to live, not to merely exist"
"But..." Theo said.
"No buts Theo, please no more buts, I have had enough of these buts and ifs. I seriously don't care anymore, you know after removing my tumor as you guys says but for me it is stealing my emotions and memories, you guys would die every second of you life.
If you smoke, you die ten years early,
If you drink, you die twenty years early
If you love someone someone who don't love you back, you die every second of your life.
So please mom and Theo, I don't want to see you guys die every second just because of me, I can't imagine you guys to cry for me or feel pity for me .
For you see, I came into this world
A blank  canvas and when my times comes I would be leaving as I masterpiece
That has been magnificently worn and by all life's wonder" I finished off as my mom and Theo kept looking at me with a glimpse of proud in their eyes as tears flickers down their nose.
But deep inside only I knew how much I was broken deep inside, only I knew that peace was too simple for my life, I knew that happiness could never last 'cause my life is not perfect and unlikely any fairy tale I won't have any happy ever after.
I would  never know the feeling of happiness of being married or  pain of being separated from my parents, the happiness of being pregnet or playing with my kids, I would never feel what is it growing up like or settling down.
If only I could.
If only...

*
. . . * * . . .
Hey guys so this chapter ends here, I have a bad news and good news to share.
Bad news: I am in depression, again
Good news: I will try to recover from it as soon as possible, would not try to self harm and most important...
This blue feeling would help me write my novel, so I could put all the pain here * points to my heart * here *points at the phone screen where I have opened watt pad and am writing WBBA*
Hope you are loving this story.
With love and all love I could give
L. Wolf
~~~