stay » hyunghyuk

thirteen

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a few days later, hyungwon recieves a package at his doorstep, mailed from an unknown address.

hoseok isn't here; he had went back to his home, since hyungwon's apartment was only meant for one person to reside in the first place. and, seeing a glimpse of tons of flowers inside of the small brown box, hyungwon thinks that perhaps it's a good thing.

the box contains a wild combination of flowers, each different type tied neatly into a bundle with a ribbon. alongside it is a white paper envelope, with a yellow post-it note stuck on the front.

right as hyungwon finishes reading the note, and starts to wonder what the flowers mean, his phone vibrates from an incoming call. he picks it up, and the caller turns out to be hyunwoo, the manager of the flower shop which minhyuk works at. had something happened?

hyunwoo's barely done speaking when hyungwon drops to the floor.

the gears whirring out of control in his head, everything now makes sense to him. minhyuk's cold, his violent coughing, his sudden trips to the restroom; his loss of weight, his dry, strawy hair, his unable-to-decipher words. it was a puzzle, so easy to solve. how could he have been so blind as to have missed it completely?

it was lung cancer.

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flowers can speak the words we're afraid to say ourselves.

— minhyuk

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hyungwon doesn't know how to take in any of this.

after hanging up the call from hyunwoo with a lifeless 'thanks', he had taken the flowers to the nearest flower shop, desperately asking what species they were (anemones, asphodels, wormwood, hydrangeas, sweet briars, forget-me-nots, rosemarys, and finally, gillyflowers), then proceeding to go home and look the meanings up on his phone.

hyungwon hates minhyuk for getting away with this; for lying straight to his face saying that it was just a cold. he can't even stay mad, since minhyuk's already dead and he can do nothing about it. why didn't he just tell him? that way he wouldn't have to go back to seoul, and still spend time with minhyuk during his last day on earth, still together until he exhaled his last dying breath. no, minhyuk died alone, with nobody there to comfort him or wipe his tears.

most of all, hyungwon hates himself for being so utterly clueless towards all of this.

he had seen the signs, but he hadn't bothered to even try and put the pieces together, until minhyuk was finally gone from this world and he couldn't save him anymore.

he walks up to the cardboard box still sitting innocently on the table, as if it isn't the last thing minhyuk would ever give to him. he tosses the flowers next to it, and he opens the paper envelope, seeing that there was a letter and a usb.

no matter how much hyungwon doesn't want to, he still forces himself to read the letter, immediately recognizing it as minhyuk's handwriting.

in the midst of reading, hyungwon can barely continue on through the blurry, watery haze that his tears have caused, and they eventually roll down his cheeks, joining in with minhyuk's dried tears on the paper. he thinks he hears someone letting out choked sobs, and it takes him several seconds to realize that it's himself. he just manages to make it past the last sentence before he's on his knees—at this point, he's unable to register the pain from the future bruises that would form on his kneecaps hours later.

his heart seized by grief and self-condemnation, he does the only thing he can, in hopes of relieving his overloading emotions even just by the tiniest sliver.

he looks up to the ceiling, and screams.

he screams and screams, nonstop, pounding furiously at the hardwood floor with his fists, until his knuckles turn bloody and he runs out of energy; until his throat is aching and his voice comes out in broken howls. he doubles over and rests his forehead on the ground, crying in silence and hoping more than anything that this is all just a bad dream.

but he knows that it isn't.

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to hyungwon.

i'm sorry for not telling you the truth. i know it makes me look selfish. you must be wondering why, aren't you? it's because i didn't want to stop you from achieving happiness. even if i did tell you, what then? you wouldn't be able to return to hoseok's side, since there's a possibility your heart and hopes would have died along with me. i know you better than anyone else, wonnie. maybe even better than you know yourself.

if you really feel bad for leaving my side, make it up to me by staying with hoseok. i admit, i used to resent him for taking you away from me, to the point where i wanted to find him directly and slap him on both sides of the face for messing around with my boyfriend. but then, i realized that in order to do so, he must have had a heart of pure gold. so, i couldn't hate him. it would make me the bad guy instead. nobody's the bad guy here; not me, not you, not hoseok. we like what we like, we love who we love, the heart wants what it wants. please don't let what happened to us, happen again between you two. promise me that, okay?

i won't hate you for leaving my side. after all, i hid the truth from you, so in the strangest, most terrible sense possible, it somewhat makes us even. the time we had together was precious, and i feel so lucky being able to become your lover. i'll cherish our memories forever, even in the afterlife, and i sincerely hope you'll keep them close to your heart as well.

i know you might not be able to come to my funeral, be it your forever-busy schedule or just because you're afraid to come to terms with the fact that i am, indeed, dead (i think it's more possibly the second reason; you really were always a scaredy-cat). i don't mind either way. just know that i still love you very much, even as i'm writing this letter. even as i'm lying on my deathbed. even as i close my eyes for the very last time. i love you, hyungwon. i love you so much.

you taught me how to love someone with all of my heart, and i can't thank you enough for that.

— lovingly, minhyuk.