Daryl and Rick AU

Chapter 16

(Daryl's POV)

The sun was what made me pissed off already. The light shined brightly in my eyes, almost blinding me in the process. I got up and almost tripped on a can of beer that I had the night before. I was already in a crappy mood but it got worse when I saw the math textbooks scattered on the floor.
"Dammit" I swear to myself
I don't even want to go. I never do but I sure as hell don't want to today. I'm so confused about all this that I just...
I slam myself onto the bed and feel a whoosh of air flow away from me as I also let go of a long exhale.
But I do want to see him again. Feel him again. Hold him. I shake my head thinking of this.
"It's ain't right"
I look down to my fists. Bruised and covered with little specks of blood. I took a mental note in cleaning it with alcohol and cotton wool.
I've never gone through something like this. Not just being with Rick, a man for god sake but having strong feelings like this towards anyone. It's not like me. And it sure as hell weird that he feels whatever for me. I know he does. The way he looked at me in his car when he drove me back home made me sense that he did. No one had eyes like that for me. My mom maybe. Rick had the same expression as she did. He cared. He wanted to know if I was okay and that did scare me. No one does that. No one will ever. I glanced up at the small hole I had created near the door and sigh.
Is this what I want? Asking myself that will cause me some heartache as I think that everything that I would want is something crazy or stupid. This idea punched into my head literally by my father. That's why I'm so closed off with people, I never get too close. When I do I back away from them thinking and knowing that something will go wrong and it has. Whenever I wanted something small from my dad I would either get a beating or ignored. Of course being ignored doesn't seem as bad as getting punched or kicked in the face but it hurt more, at least he was talking to me when he punched me, knew that I was there. Acknowledged me.
I slowly got up from my bed, maybe a little too fast as my head started to hurt and I was dizzy but something in me was now eager to go to class and see him. I never loved my father. I was scared of getting hit and that's why I would never push myself to do something I want. This is the chance. Maybe this is what I want. It's weird and I'm not sure if I like it, the whole gay thing or whatever it is. I'm not even sure I am.
I sit back down and ponder at that thought. I've never been attracted to men, always women or was I trained to believe that?
Merle would always bring his asshole friends to the house when he lived here. Mom never liked it so she would always leave for a bit, dad was working at a factory before he let himself go, so I was stuck with them. They would holler at the tv whenever they saw a girl with big boobs and blonde hair walking in there favorite hillbilly show. I couldn't remember the name but I always remembered them screaming at the tv saying comments that now, I personally would never say to any person.
This was when I was around 11 or 12, I thought this was how I was supposed to act, who I'm supposed to be attracted to.
When his friends weren't around and Merle, our dad and I sat in the living room, our mom would bring something that she made from the kitchen. We would sit and eat in front of the tv and watch the news. I remembered vividly this certain news report, about a kid getting beaten up and him being found in a ditch somewhere, dead. Later a group of men were questioned and let go. We later found out that the boy, Kit Walker, was gay. The 4 men that ganged up on him also went to the local church and they were definitely not fond of that homosexuals.
My dad saw that report, we all did but he was the only one that had a sadistic smile on his face when they said that he died. I would never forget that.....

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After I had did the usual morning routine: finding clean clothes and wearing them, washing my face, brushing my teeth and finding something to eat. I tiptoed through the hall that led straight to the front door but also was next to the living room were my dad was snoring loudly as he laid on the lazy boy and had the tv remote in his hand. I stopped for a moment to look at him. I wasn't afraid to say that he did terrify me but I could only admit that to myself. My eager mood to see Rick changed as soon as I looked at his fists. The fists that could hit me or the feet that could kick me if he knew what had happened. I couldn't go through with it.
I walked out the door and closed it trying not to make a noise.

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"Page 105 is where you'll find.... Uhh... Wait wrong page. It's ummm..."
I walked through the hall towards Rick's class. I felt nervous and like throwing up, so I stopped to get my confidence to at least walk through and sit my ass down but it took awhile as I heard his voice. It was shaky and he messed up a few. He would never do that. He was always smooth with his teaching, he would always know what's next or what page it was especially. Something was wrong. I could tell in his voice that he was distracted, he wasn't focusing at the full class in front of him so that meant it was big. What was it about?
I breathed in deeply, trying to muster up the strength to go through the door but something else stopped me, someone. The lingering thought of my dad being disappointed was at the back of my mind.
I can't do this. I repeat to myself. I tried to be strong but I don't know if I can.
I pushed the door and the class turned to face me. I surprised myself as I was not worried about them, I was worried about Rick, who I knew was looking straight at me as I walked through the class. I felt his eyes following me as I took my seat. I did try to look up, I did but I was being a pussy. And I hated that. I didn't want to be that.
I heard him say something and being too lost in my thoughts I didn't comprehend it, so I stayed motionless hoping he'll repeat.
"It's page 57 for Calculus."
I finally heard him clear with the help of him being louder this time.
I felt warm inside surprisingly. I had a feeling that him stuttering around the class had something to do with me. When he shouted the page number just now I heard the nervousness, it was worse than how it was before.
I felt a smile creep into my lips, it was small but it was there.
Then I knew......