Chapter five - sunshine
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I went upstairs when I got home, only stopping off in the kitchen to grab a bag of Doritos when I realised that I eaten all day. And that’s when it hit me that the only thing I had actually seen Gerard eat all day was a measly breakfast bar.
I fucking hoped that wasn’t normal for him. But he probably wouldn’t even be able to afford a sandwich. Life in the incastum must be fucking horrible.
I spent the evening playing guitar and ignoring my mom, too busy writing a song (which was totally not about a boy I met today) to listen to her yelling at me for whatever she decided to hate me for today.
Time really flies when you’re not depressed. (Note the fact that I didn’t say happy. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be happy in a world like this.) Before I knew it, it was midnight. I put away Pansy and crawled into bed, then fell asleep totally not thinking about Gerard again.
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The next morning, my alarm woke me up for school, and yet again, I pulled on the first crappy outfit I found scrunched up on the floor. It was the same boring routine, just like every fucking day of my life so far, and probably just like every day that was yet to come.
The walk to school was uneventful, unlike the day before. And so was the rest of the day up until lunch time. I was just sitting on the steps behind the equipment shed, eating my lunch in a safe, secluded place, when I heard the crunching of gravel and footsteps behind me. I held my breath, terrified, and waited to be harassed with insults and slurs and possibly punches.
“Hey. Can I eat with you?” a voice asked tentatively.
I turned around. “What the fuck?” No one was ever nice to me.
A boy with a lip ring and light blonde hair the colour of sunshine smiled nervously down at me. “Um. Can I eat with you? The– the rest of the boys are teasing me and stuff, and you seem like the sort of person– I mean. Um... I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.”
“No, hey, it’s okay.” I patted the space on the step next to me. “Sit.”
He sat down and opened his lunch, starting to eat. “I’m Bob,” he said through a mouthful of sandwich.
“I’m Frank.”
“Cool. How come you eat here?”
“They tease me too,” I mumbled awkwardly.
“Oh.”
There was silence for a few moments while we ate. I felt eyes on me but fixed my gaze on my apple. Suddenly I was self conscious, and tugged down my sleeves, pointlessly anxious that he might see the black smudges on my arms.
Bob noticed. He broke the silence and spoke tentatively. “I saw you yesterday.”
“What?” I spluttered. “What are you talking about?”
“I saw you. At the incastum. With that black kid.”
I swallowed, terrified. There was nothing I could say to dodge this conversation. I was going to be murdered.
“Who is he?”
The pace of my worries slowed slightly. This was weird. Why would he care which particular black I was hanging out with? I spoke cautiously. “My friend.”
“What’s his name?”
“Gerard… Where are you going with this?”
“I, um. I want to be like you.”
“What?” I frowned.
“I don’t hate them. All this racism is stupid and horrible.”
“Wh– really?”
He nodded.
“Well… I’m going to the incastum again tonight. You can come if you want.”
Bob smiled slightly. “Kay.”
I opened my mouth to speak again, but when I heard obnoxious laughter and the cold, heartless voices of the popular kids behind me, it snapped shut.
“Shit,” Bob mumbled.
“My thoughts exactly.”
“Shall we go?”
“Yeah–” I hastily shoved my lunch into my bag and Bob grabbed all of his things in his arms and hurriedly shuffled away with me before the other kids came too near.
Generally, I hate people.
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At home after school, I played guitar, loud, and wrote more of the song I had been working on, thankful that my mom was out. The time drained away quickly, gone down the gutter along with my memory, apparently. It only occurred to me that I was supposed to be meeting Gerard and Bob about an hour after the time I promised.
I had gone almost seventeen years with no good friends. I was not about to lose two of the most potentially amazing people ever just to play my guitar for a little while longer than usual. I raced to the incastum, and thanked god when I saw Bob, looking awkward and bored leaning against the wall.
“Bob,” I said breathlessly. “I’m so sorry, I forgot. How long have you been here?”
“Only about a half hour,” he said dryly.
“God, I’m really sorry.”
“Are we going to go in, then? Cos I want to fucking do this now before I freak out and run away.”
“Right. Sure.”
I stepped into the incastum, and unconfidently led the way to Gerard’s ‘home’. It was hard to navigate around this place, everywhere looking the same, especially in the dim moonlight.
Eventually though, we stumbled upon the most dirty and poor part of the Incastum, and I knew I recognised the area.
I was still a little wary, but when I caught sight of a figure sitting huddled up in the entrance to one of the tents, I was more sure of where I was, and headed in that direction. As we neared, the figure stood up, and in the better light, I knew it was Gerard.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey,” he smiled. “Who’s this?” He glanced at Bob.
“My friend, Bob. He doesn’t hate you guys. Yay.”
“Hello,” Bob mumbled, waving.
“Hi. You want to come in?” Gerard offered.
I nodded, and we followed Gerard into his tent. Inside, Mikey was sitting on his bed, cross-legged, opposite another black boy with long curly hair. Impressive hair. The two of them were laughing, and their fingers were interlocked.
They looked completely and utterly happy, and the first thought that came into my head when I saw Mikey’s radiant smile despite his illness, was that I want to be that happy.
It was obvious even from just a glance that Mikey and the boy were together, and I couldn’t help think of just how sweet it was that he still cared about Mikey. It was clear just by looking at him that he was going to stay with Mikey through everything– most people would back off in fear of getting hurt the moment their partner started to lose their hair, but you could see in the boy’s eyes how perfect he thought Mikey was, exactly as he was.
Upon hearing us come in, Mikey looked up, and smiled at his brother. “Hi, Gee.”
“Hey, Mikes. You remember Frank?” Gerard glanced back at me.
Mikey nodded.
“That’s good. And he brought someone else with him. This is Bob.”
Bob waved again.
“This is Ray,” Mikey beamed, turning back to the boy sitting with him.
“Hi,” I smiled at Ray.
“Heya.” Ray gave me a nod, his curls bouncing as he did so.
Gerard took a step closer to me, and smiled. “Anything cool happen to you l-lately?”
“Well… I did bump into this really awesome kid the other day on his way to the incastum… He’s pretty rad. But not as rad as me,” I said, grinning.
Gerard laughed, then we turned back to face Bob again.
“Do you want to come and meet more of my friends?” I asked.
“I do,” Gerard perked up.
“Bob?”
“Sure.” He still looked a little nervous about the whole thing, not really having been given much attention from Mikey, Gerard or Ray. But I was sure Renée, Pete and Patrick would like him.
And if they got along, maybe I would get to spend more time alone with Gerard. Not that I was expecting it to go anywhere. I just wanted to be with him.
God. I was starting to sound like a teenage girl.
But, fuck, when had I cared about what people thought of me?
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Ah, unrequited love. The one part of fanfiction I can write from experience. Unfortunately, yours truly has not yet been blessed with a boyfriend or girlfriend, and I’ve never been on an actual date, or been asked out, or asked anyone out. Yay.
So if my fanfiction is super awesome, it’s just because I am basically living through my writing right now, since the person I love just thinks of me as a friend.
Oh, my wonderful, wonderful life.
xoxo
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Disgusting (Frerard)
Fanfiction"There's a reason we are white and pure, and they are black and dirty. There's a reason they stain our skin. That we are shamed if others see those stains. They're bad people, Frank. They're disgusting."
