suicide hotline / phan

7

Warning: If you thought the last chapter was shitty, you've got a whole storm coming lmao

Phil walks down the road the leads to his apartment, where Dan will most probably still be. Anxiety is bubbling up inside of him, eating him alive with every thought. 'What if Dan's done something stupid?', 'why did you leave him on his own?'. He tries to block out the daunting thoughts and possibilities, breaking into a run and quickly shortening the distance between him and the apartment. He takes a deep breath, turning the key in the lock and gently pushing the door open. Dan stands in front of him, an absoloute mess. His hair is curly and completely messed up, his eyes are tired and bloodshot from crying, and his face is a dark shade of red. 

"Dan?" Phil says, stepping inside and closing the door behind him. 

"Hey Phil" Dan slurs, walking into the living room as Phil hurriedly follows. 

"You're drunk" Phil states, spinning Dan around to face him.

"I know" Dan mumbles tiredly, closing his eyes. "I'm sorry"

"No, I'm sorry" Phil says, quietly. "I shouldn't have left you on your own"

They stand in silence for a minute, Phil's hands on Dan's shoulders as he pulls him into a hug.

"You're so beautiful" Dan whispers, pushing a strand of Phil's hair to the side.

He smiles briefly, hoping that Dan means what he's saying but also knowing that he's too drunk to barely breathe, let alone know what he's saying.

"I'm sorry Phil" Dan slurs, tears forming in his bloodshot eyes. "I didn't mean anything"

"Don't Dan, please" Phil whispers, not wanting to take in all of this in case it isn't the same when Dan's sober.  "You're drunk"

"But I mean this, Phil" Dan slurs, using the wall to hold himself upright. "And I love you"

"I love you too" Phil chokes, tears forming in his eyes and dripping down his cheeks. He knows that Dan won't remember any of this in the morning, he probably won't even feel the same as he does now. But all Phil knows he can do is let Dan know the truth; he loves him, too much- he loves him and it's heart-breakingly painful but it's the truth. Phil is in love with Dan, and he prays to anything in the heavens that Dan can pull through, because if he doesn't... it's not even to bear thinking about. 

"You need to have some water" Phil mumbles, taking a glass from the cupboard as Dan watches him pour water into it. He hands it to him, and he takes a small sip.

"Thanks" He mumbles, a tear slipping down his cheek.

"Are you okay?" Phil asks, coming closer so that their shoulders brush lightly against one another. 

"I don't know" Dan mumbles. "I don't care"

Phil stares into his eyes, wondering what had happened while he was gone. What had caused Dan to turn to alcohol, and why had he been crying the whole time? 

"Dan, did you take your meds?" He asked, suddenly very concerned. He became even more anxious when he got no answer; Dan just stared straight ahead, emotionlessly. "Dan!"

"Yes" Dan lies, taking another sip of water. "I did"

Phil sighs in relief, not knowing what would happen if Dan had stopped taking them. He was bad enough even when he WAS taking them, what could he do when he didn't have them to help?

"I feel awful" Dan slurs, putting his head against the wall and groaning.

"You should get some sleep" Phil says gently, taking the glass of water and placing it on the counter. "Go to the bedroom, I'll get your pyjamas"

"Okay" Dan mumbled, stumbling towards the bedroom as Phil followed, upset at just how drunk Dan was. 

Phil sighed, gently opening the door to Dan's bedroom and walking inside. He froze, staring. The room was an absolute wreck. Half the contents of Dan's bag was strewn everywhere, as if he had been looking for something. He closes his eyes, trying to hold in the flood of tears threatening to spill. It breaks him to know how much Dan goes through and how he feels so awful that he had to get drunk to cope. He bends down to start clearing up, and then he freezes. Strewn across the floor are pills- lots of them. Phil tries to think of other possibilities- maybe Dan got mad and threw them everywhere? But he can't fool himself. Dan had attempted suicide again- well, he had at least been planning it. A tear leaks from Phil's eye as he scoops the pills into his hand, picking up the empty bottle and gently pouring them back inside, screwing the lid back on tightly although his hands were shaking slightly. He hesitated before turning the bottle over, reading the label. He knew that Dan had to take medication, but he never knew exactly what for, and he didn't really want to ask in case it offended him. After reading a little, Phil figures out what they are- mood stabilisers for bipolar disorder. He sighs, placing the bottle back in Dan's bag along with the others. He tries not to let curiosity take over him- he knows that it'd be intrusive to read all of the other bottles. However he also knows that if he wants to help, he needs to know. He takes out the three other bottles, reading their labels too. The first ones are antidepressants, which Phil had expected if he was honest. The second were also prescribed for major depression, however underneath it read 'Use only in case of emergency'. The third are prescribed sleeping pills for insomnia. Phil puts the bottles back into the bag, making sure not to make it look like he's read them. He then clears up the rest of the room, and makes his way towards his bedroom. He gently opens the door to see Dan laying on the bed still fully clothed, half-asleep. His heart breaks as he watches Dan, now knowing what he had done earlier, and how he must have felt.

"Hey Dan, I've got your pyjamas" Phil calls quietly, trying not to wake him too much.

"I'm too tired" Dan whispers. 

Phil walks towards him, sitting on the edge of the bed and running a hand through Dan's hair.

"Can you put them on?" Dan giggles quietly. "I'm too tired" He repeats.

Phil blushes slightly, his heart fluttering and aching at the same time when he sees Dan's gentle smile, knowing that it's only the alcohol making it possible for him to do so. He wants to be able to undress Dan, however he's scared that he may make him uncomfortable, and that he'll regret it tomorrow.

"Phil?" Dan whispers.

"Okay" Phil whispers back, gently pulling off Dan's shirt as he blushes profusely, trying not to catch any of his cuts. He starts to sweat slightly as he realises just how attractive Dan really is, and just how much it's affecting him.

"You're blushing" Dan smirks as Phil pulls his shirt over his head, staring at his perfect body in awe.

"You're so beautiful" Phil whispers, not caring that Dan's arms are covered in scars- it doesn't matter to him. He's perfect. He would do anything to be able to lean down and kiss Dan, however he doesn't want to put that on him when he's too drunk to think for himself. He pulls Dan's pyjama top over his head, wondering why he even bothers to wear it.

"Now I CAN'T do the bottoms, unfortunately" Phil laughs quietly, cursing himself for the sinful things he's imagining, and only blushing even more.

"Why not?" Dan smirks, liking the way Phil can't stop blushing and noticing that it's affecting him in more ways than just turning red.

"Because that would be very wrong of me" He chuckles, beginning to get changed himself, turning out the light.

He climbs into bed next to Dan, who is almost asleep, trying to act happy for him although he can't block out the sadness inside. 

"Phil?" Dan whispers.

"Yeah?"

"I love you so fucking much"

And Phil prays with every fibre of his body that Dan means what he is saying.