suicide hotline / phan

8

*Yet again another short shitty chapter, I'm getting back into the flow after the long break lol (sorry btw my dog was rly sick and I was also on holiday)*

Dan wakes up, feeling as if his head was on fire. He can't remember a thing from the night before, and although the pain would be enough to dull out almost any thoughts, he can't help but feel anxious about what could've happened- especially since he was drunk. Could he have had another outburst? Punched a wall? Broken something? Even worse- what if him and Phil... no, that couldn't happen- could it? He'd done it sober and drunk before with a few girls, but never with a guy. Surely he wouldn't let the first be when he's wasted? But then again, he was and still is in a bad place... He opens his eyes and shoots up, not able to cope with the fear with spiralling into a complete panic. Of course he wouldn't mind doing anything... explicit with Phil- in fact he would enjoy it- however he would not want his first time with Phil to be a drunken mess.

"Are you okay?" Phil asks concerned, sitting up.

"What happened last night?" Dan spurts, not able to contain it.

"N-nothing... why?" Phil says, shuffling closer to him.

"Oh" Dan breathes in relief, relaxing. "I was just- um- worried in case I broke anything"

Phil smiles softly.

"You didn't, don't worry" He says. "How're you feeling?"

"Fine" Dan lies, not wanting to give anyone the burden of caring about him.

"Don't lie" Phil says. "It's okay"

"I said I'm okay Phil!" Dan snaps, instantly regretting it after and feeling bad, swiftly walking out of the room and slamming the door behind him.

He wishes he could control his emotions, control his anger, however it's become almost impossible. He always ends up hurting someone and then feeling bad afterwards, and it normally hurts him more then them in the end. He's getting sick of himself, all he does is upset and disappoint, people would be so much better without him in the world to have to look after. Phil should never have had to pick up Dan's pieces. After all, they didn't even know each other before that call. Maybe Dan should never had called...

And then he's at the window, a cigarette between his lips. His blades are on the bed behind him. He was planning on using them but decided against it; having to deal with blood and injuries would probably only make things worse right now. As usual, he watches the smoke rise and fade slowly, taking some of the pain with it. After a few minutes he throws the remains out of the window with the small pile at the bottom that's probably building up. And at that very moment, the door opens, Phil standing in the doorway.

"Hey" He says, quietly. "I'm sorry"

"Why? You shouldn't have to be" Dan says. He's the one to blame. For all of this.

"For pressuring you" Phil says, walking into the room. "What're you doing?"

"Getting some air" Dan says quickly, maybe a little too quickly.

"Good idea" Phil says, luckily not suspecting anything. His eyes trail over to the bed, where he gasps.

"Dan, what're these!?" He panic(!)s, hurrying over and picking them up. Dan spins around, shocked, and desperately tries to take the blades off of Phil before he takes them away. He stops when he realises that he can't get them back, looking at Phil, worried at what his reaction will be. His heart is beating faster then it probably ever has since their kiss and his skin is breaking out in a cold sweat.

"Why do you have them?" He asks quietly, still staring at the metal in his hands almost emotionlessly.

"Because I need it" Dan simply says, looking at his feet and trying to control his shaking.

"You don't Dan" He sighs, putting them back on the bed. He slowly sits down next to Dan, taking his wrist and running his fingers over the scars, frowning when he feels Dan trembling. "These are all just bad choices, Dan"

"Choices that I need to make" Dan says quietly, looking into Phil's eyes. They stay like that for a moment as Phil appreciates the moment- him looking into Dan's eyes while gently running his fingers up his arm, feeling electricity pulse through his whole body.

"You don't need to" Phil says. "You can do something fun instead. Go somewhere peaceful"

Dan scoffs.

"Do something fun" He chuckles humourlessly. "What's that, a sandwich?"

Phil smiles.

"I'm serious Dan" He smiles calmly. "Tell you what, I'll prove it to you"

"How?" Dan questions, realising that Phil's touch has caused him to stop shaking.

"I'll take you out tonight" Phil smiles brightly. "That's is if you really are feeling okay"

Dan doesn't really feel like going out. He hates the outdoors. Everyone judges him for every move he makes, he always gets bitten by insects, and worst of all people stare at his scars the second his sleeve slips up. However he'll be with Phil, so maybe that will make it all worth the while.

"Okay" He smiles briefly. "Where will we go?"

"It's a surprise" Phil says, and Dan frowns.

"I hate surprises"

"Too bad Danny"

"Don't call me Danny what the fuck"

"Shut up Danny"

"Make me"

And as much as Phil wants to lean over and kiss Dan, he can't after what happened yesterday and what Dan had said during his outburst. What if it was all true? So instead, he smiles and takes the blades, walking out of the room.