suicide hotline / phan

27

-whoops this is awful but let's do it-

NOTE (1st July 2019): okay so I just realised Wattpad fucked up and cut off half the chapter recently? I'm not sure when it did it but I fixed it... so yeah, just wanted to let yall know why it's different to how you may have seen it lmao

Dan hauls himself off of the floor; he knows that Phil will be looking for him and he really doesn't feel like explaining why he's laying on the floor of the same alleyway he was beaten up in only a few weeks before. Firstly because he's too emotionally drained, secondly because he wants tonight to be good. It has to be care-free, fun, full of everything Phil loves. Dan knows the inevitable pain he's going to put Phil through, and if he's owes one thing to him it's one last night. One last time to show him what he means to him. A proper goodbye. And for that, he needs to put all of his plans aside, focus on Phil and Phil only.

He wipes his eyes, trying to pull down non-existent sleeves out of habit. It doesn't take long for him to cover his emotions, he's had to pretend over and over to be happy and it's almost second nature now. He pulls out his phone, quickly checking his face for tearstains in the front camera before walking out of the alley. Sure enough Phil is beside him in a matter of seconds, his arms wrapped around Dan's waist.

"Are you okay? I'm sorry, I didn't know-" Phil stammers, burying his head into Dan's neck.

"Shh" Dan silences him, using his forefinger to tilt his chin up. "I'm okay"

"Are you sure? The girl's mum apologised, she explained it to her. She's only fou-"

"Phil" Dan says, forcing him to stop. "It's okay, it's all okay"

"Sure?"

"Sure. Let's just go home, mkay? We have a movie night remember?"

Dan smiles as Phil's eyes light up with excitement, and he interlocks their fingers as they start to walk away. The feeling of Phil's hand in his makes his face blush naturally, as if they haven't done it one hundred times before. The electricity still shoots up his arm, shocking his system and almost causing his heart to stop functioning. Somehow everything seems new still, even if it's all about to end.

And, despite how certain he is, the word 'end' still seems too close. He's ready to end his life, but he's still not sure if he's ever going to be ready to leave Phil.

Before he realises it, they're at home, sprawled over the sofa in a messy way. Popcorn is already scattered everywhere even though the movie's only been playing for a few minutes and to Dan everything's just moving too quickly. He wishes that time could stop, just for a second, just enough to let him breathe. Just enough to appreciate the moment. Just enough to live.

But, still, nothing stops.

"Dan?"

Dan suddenly realises that Phil's on his lap, straddling him, his face bearing a look of concern.

"Mhm?"

"You're crying"

"Am I?" He says almost exhaustedly, reaching a hand to his face.

Sure enough, he feels a damp moisture on his skin, quickly running down his bright red cheeks. He lets his hand fall, his eyes trailing up towards Phil's face. He takes a deep breath, knowing that Phil's waiting for a response. A million excuses rush through his head- he could say he has allergies? The movie was sad? He was thinking of his parents? Anything. Instead, he chooses something he knows he might regret. He knows it might worry Phil, it might make him decide to stay off work tomorrow to watch over Dan, it might even send him into a complete panic. But, despite all of this, Dan still decides to continue.

"Phil Lester" He says, trying to avoid eye contact in fear he might break down. "I need you to know that no matter what, you're going to be okay. You're going to have a good life, alright? Even if- even if something happens. You'll be okay. You're the most amazing person I've ever met, you have the capability to do anything. Don't let yourself dwell in the past, don't let me take your light"

"I-" Phil begins, but Dan places a finger to his lips.

"The universe needs its sun. And even if that... even if that means you have to forget about me, then so be it. Let yourself be happy. That's all I want"

Dan realises that Phil also has tears falling down his face now, his mouth open slightly in some sort of shock. He leans forward slightly, pressing his lips against Phil's forehead and pulling him closer.

"Dan, you're never going to make me upset, alright? You aren't a burden to me and you never will be" Phil says shakily. He pulls back slightly, looking into Dan's eyes. "You make me the happiest I've been in so, so long"

At that moment Dan feels his heart shattering into a million pieces. He pulls Phil into his chest, the ghost of a smile on his lips even though his eyes are spilling with pained tears. And, for a moment, he wonders if he's doing the right thing. He wonders if things would be okay if he just kept on going, kept on living. But, deep inside, he knows what he wants.

"Thank you" He breaths into Phil's hair, barely audible.

Was this his goodbye? I mean, there's no amount of words that can add up to all he wants to say to Phil. Everything he wants to say would take decades to finish, and some things just can't be explained in words. There's so much he wants Phil to know- how much he loves him, how sorry he is... but overall, what he really wants him to know is how thankful he is. He's thankful for Phil being there for him, for making his last few days the best they could ever have been, for making him feel.

"I love you" He says breathlessly, switching positions so that he was on Phil's lap clinging on to his shirt, returning to his usual position of the less dominant, more 'needy' one.

Dan wasn't used to being the sensitive one in the relationship. Although Phil was quite obviously more dominant, Dan was usually quite good at being the strong one, the one that kept them both upright. He certainly didn't expect himself to be balling his eyes out while his boyfriend held him. But although it wasn't something he was used to, he decided he liked being wrapped in Phil's arms, his head buried in the crook of his neck. In the midst of all his thoughts, it made him feel somehow safe. Secure.

"I love you too" Phil replied, stroking his hair gently.

And, after a minute, they both fell asleep.

•

Okay i know that was awful lmao but it's been a while, i hope you enjoyed it somewhat though! I'm so sorry for the long break, i'm just finding it so hard to write as you can probably tell by the quality of this 😂 Anyways, feedback is definitely welcome and needed! Ily guys