suicide hotline / phan

16

*Phil's POV*

I fling my arm around Dan again as we make our way out of the house and towards the doorway, and every time he flinches I feel a part of me break. 

"Almost there" I say, fiddling with the keys and eventually managing to unlock the front door. 

The first thing I have to do is check his wounds. They're going to be bad, of course they are, but I'm not sure just how prepared I am to see them. Eventually we make our way to the bed, and he practically falls into the mattress, breathing shakily. 

"Um" I begin, knowing he's not looking forward to this. "Can I?"

He obviously knows what I'm getting at, because he nods and shakes his jacket off of his shoulders, his whole face scrunching up and his eyes filling with pain as the material catches on his cuts. 

I wasn't prepared for what I was about to see.

I haven't even seen his chest and legs yet, and I'm already a sobbing mess. Bright red scratches and extremely dark bruises are painted over his skin, and that's enough to make me a mess. I'm pathetic, I know. I feel his arms wrap around me as he gently hushes me, and I force myself to pull it together.

"I'm sorry" I hiccup. "I just, how could they?-"

"I know" He breathes. "But I'm fine okay?"

I nod slightly, but I completely disagree. Of course he's not fucking fine. But right now, I just need to get him medical attention. What if the injuries get infected? And he already can't walk...

"Are you ready?" He asks quietly.

"Yeah" I mumble, sitting next to him on the bed and forcing myself to stay calm.

He winces as he attempts to take his shirt off, and I immediately put my hand over his to stop him. 

"It's okay, I'll do it" I choke, pretending that I'm not shattering inside.

I slowly pull his shirt over his head, sitting on his lap and letting my hands sit around his waist. His stomach looks as if black and purple paint has been thickly painted over it... and blood stains his skin from top to bottom. His scars are swollen even though they're from a while ago, and they're definitely  lot more prominent than before. There are thousands. 

"We need to wash them, okay?" I say to him gently, fully aware that he's shaking like a leaf. "And then we can get some bandages"

"Okay" He says, pulling me into him. His chest feels warm against me, and I honestly just love the feeling. I bury my head into the crook of his neck, and try to stop myself from crying. I can feel him stroking my hair, but I know it should be the other way around; he's the one in all this pain, after all. I just pull him even closer, listening to his heartbeat and willing for it to never stop. 

I want to stay like this forever.

*Dan's POV*

He straddles me on the bed as his eyes devour everything- every scratch. Every bruise. I can see the anxiety in his eyes as he eventually looks back up. It's clear that he's trying to not cry, and it's killing him. 

"We need to wash them, okay?" He says shakily, and I can hear the fear and strain in his voice. "And then we can get bandages"

"Okay" I say gently, and pull him into me, wrapping my arms around him and just holding him. I can feel him start to tremble, and I know that he's trying to hold himself together. It breaks me. I stroke his hair, wishing I could just take away all of his pain. As always, I'm just causing Phil grief, causing him to shatter. I should have just left myself to die. 

*Phil's POV* 

Eventually we make our way to the bathroom to wash Dan's wounds. I know he could just do it himself, however I'm not sure how capable he is of walking right now, so I'd rather stay with him. And I don't want to leave him alone for a second. 

"A- are you sure you're comfortable of me being here?" I ask him again, not wanting to invade on his privacy. 

"Yes you dingbat" He chuckles, but still, I know his laugh contains no true emotion. His eyes look almost dead. 

"Okay" I say as he climbs into the bath, boxers still on, and I kneel next to it. 

He washes his wounds with water and soap quickly, wincing as tears stream down his face. I can't bare to imagine the pain he's in. Eventually I can't take it anymore, and I pull my shirt off.

"I'm getting in with you" I say, taking off my jeans. 

"Why?" He questions. 

"I can't just watch you like that" 

He waits as I clamber in on the other side, and we both start laughing slightly at the current situation. It only lasts a few seconds, though, because before long he has to continue to remove the dirt from his cuts. 

"Um" He says, after a minute of comfortable silence. "Could you, like, do my back for me please?" He asks, blushing like crazy.

I roll my eyes at his bright red face and nod, moving forwards to straddle him. I run my hands up and down his back gently, cleaning his cuts and scrapes. I eventually lean back to face him, and his face looks so broken that I can't bare it any longer. 

"I love you so much" I whisper, and pull him towards me, kissing him. 

He kisses me back, running his hands up and down my back and then tangling them in my hair. I do the same for him, pulling on his hair slightly as I usually do. It drives him crazy, and he struggles to keep himself upright as he pulls me closer. Things are beginning to get intense when I break apart; I don't want him getting hurt.

"You're too hurt" I simply say, but bury my head in his neck, appreciating the moment.