suicide hotline / phan

17

*I'm very sorry if you don't approve, but some of the writing you see now is going to be in first person! I'm so sorry if you don't like it like that, I just feel like it's easier to write in and produces better content*

*Dan's POV*

I sit in silence (|-/) as Phil wraps endless bandages around my arms and legs, finally appearing to have calmed down. I think that maybe what happened in the bath helped him a lot, especially since I look at lot less beaten now. I don't feel it though, to be honest. My blood is racing from a lack of nicotine, and it's starting to become unbearable. However I don't think Phil is going to be leaving me any time soon, and although I'm grateful for that, I know I'm not going to get a chance to smoke. To be honest, I think it'd only make things worse; I'd feel even more bad, I'd just be lying to Phil even more. He finally finishes wrapping the last bandage and sits next to me on the sofa, flicking on the TV to yet another Buffy episode- our favourite.

"I'm so sorry" I eventually say, staring straight ahead at the TV.

*Phil's POV*

"I'm so sorry" I hear the words leave his mouth and my heart breaks.

I turn to him to only see an emotionless face, that looks so broken, so defeated.

"Sorry for what?" I say quietly, watching him intensely.

"For breaking you" He says, and I pull him into my lap, holding him.

"You haven't broken me, Dan" I breathe. "I'll be okay, I promise. I'm just.... I'm just angry, angry and hurt that people have the audacity to hurt you like that"

I look into his eyes, that are now filled with some sort of relief.

"Really?"

"Really"

He rests his head back on my lap and continues to watch TV, and somehow I feel a lot better just sitting there and stroking his hair. And somehow I wonder how there can be such perfect moments even in a field of destruction.

*Dan's POV*

Phil says that he's not broken, and I'm not sure if I believe him, but for now that's good enough. After all, he didn't sound as if he was lying. I've dealt with enough assholes that I can see a lie from a mile off now. I'll admit, I feel a lot better knowing that he's okay, but it still doesn't stop the thoughts. I've been trying to ignore them, but ever since what happened, they just won't go away. The words they whispered to me, the insults they threw, it may have been hours ago but I still feel every one.

'Freak'

I was never normal, I'm an emotional wreck.

'Emo'

I guess there's something wrong with that too.

'Disgusting'

I'm an awful excuse for a human being, I disgust myself too.

'Fat'

I'm so huge, I can't eat won't eat.

'Faggot'

Half the world is probably disgusted by you.

'Worthless'

I don't mean anything.

'Ugly'

I look awful.

'Stupid'

I can't do anything without failing.

'Gay'

Again, half the world are probably disgusted by you.

'Weird'

Why can't I just be normal?

'Worthless, pathetic son of a bitch'

Maybe I should just kill myself.

The world doesn't want me here, and neither do I. I should just leave Phil before he gets too close, before I explode and kill him with me. I thought I was getting better, I was clearly lying to myself. I'll never be okay, not truly, no. I'm glass too shattered to be super glued back together, even if that glue is the strongest out there. I'm useless- what's the point in broken glass? It's just a waste of space, it has no use except for cutting other people, destroying them. I am a complete waste of oxygen.

No, please don't.

I don't want to be here.

No, please don't.

I want to cut myself until there's nothing left.

No, please don't.

I want to tear apart the only thing keeping me together so I can just die altogether.

Stop.

I'm not going to stop, never.

*Phil's POV*

I look at him below me, fast asleep, and I can't help but think of how lucky I am to have found him. Before Dan, I was alone. I mean, I had my family and stuff but that's different, I never had anyone to properly talk to. Then there was Dan. The broken boy on the other end of the line, the one I quickly fell in love with, the one I want to be with until the day I die. The one that makes me happy even when he's falling apart himself. He slowly opens his eyes to reveal his deep brown irises, and he smiles softly.

"Hey" He murmurs.

"Hey sleepy" I whisper back.

"What's the time?" He asks.

"1AM, you fell asleep" I say, still stroking his hair.

"I'm tired" He whines.

"I know" I smile. "Do you want to go to bed"

"No, you idiot, I just want to lay here all night" He giggles sarcastically, and I roll my eyes.

"Do you want me to carry you?" I ask, thinking of his leg.

"That's so cliché" He mumbles, smiling, but I scoop him up anyway, eventually laying him down on his side of the bed and leaning over him.

"I love you" I whisper.

"I love you too" He whispers back, and I lean down to kiss him, climbing carefully on top of him to kiss him one more time before rolling over to my side.

As I lay in the dark with my boyfriend in my arms, I yet again willed for this moment to last forever.