Peeta Mellark- What is left?

One move to end a life.

My eyes open as soon as I feel the gravel scraping against my head. I look around me, remembering where I am.
"Why are you so protective of each other?"  It's hard to make out what Johanna is saying through the sound of the stones rolling against my head but I can just catch her words.
"I don't know..it's just what we do" I listen to Katniss' words carefully "We look out for each other! Well we used too" 
I don't remember a single time when she's helped me! Why would I help her? You can't trust the mutts they make in the Capitol.
I try to sit up but Katniss and Johanna are dragging me through the streets by my ankles. I kick at them weakly, trying to get them to let go. They both turn and look at me when they notice my struggling.
"Well, someone's awake" Johanna drops my foot to the ground with a thud. I shake my leg at Katniss to get her paws off but it takes her a minute to loosen her grip  before dropping my ankle aswell. 
"Thank God for that" Finnick appears with Lucus at his side "I was starting to think you'd never wake up" He laughs and offers me his hand to help my up but I ignore him and stumble to my feet slowly. 
Katniss loads and arrow onto her bow but doesn't raise it. I'm not going to let an arrow get in my way but Finnick reads my thoughts and holds a knife to my neck.
"Now Peeta, we didn't drag you all this way for you to kill Katniss" He speaks to me like I'm a child "We know you don't actually want to hurt her." He knows nothing. I hit his blade out of his hand, scratching my nuckle and spring on Katniss. She doesn't struggle as I raise my fist, she just looks at me with sad eyes. I freeze for a moment while images of her flash before my eyes. I see her led next to me in bed; looking at me like she is now. Her hair flows across the bed sheets like a dark river, her eyes are grey like the sky above our head. Though her cheeks look hollow and her eyes are rimmed with dark rings, she still looks beautiful. Completely and utterly beautiful. 
I open my eyes when the memories fade away. 
"Get off her!" Johanna yells at me but I block out her voice. I hear her footsteps behind me as I lower my fist.
"Johanna! Stop!" Finnick stands in her way. "Look!" They boths watch as I pick up the end of Katniss' messy braid. Her hair looks freshly cut even though it is home to gravel and dirt. I twist the wisps of her hair, making them curl slightly. I look at her heart shaped face, her dry lips, her pale eyes. This girl isn't in my memories. The girl in my mind is terrifying and aggravating.
"Peeta?" Her voice stirs my thoughts until the images her as a mutt come streaming back, killing the images of the girl that lays on the ground beneath me.
I drop her braid, get to my feet and begin to walk away from them. I don't know what to think anymore. Is that a mutt or the girl on fire? I don't remember and that kills me inside.
"Where are you going?" I hear Johanna's harsh voice from behind me but I don't answer. I just keep walking like I can't stop. 
I hear the sound of faint footsteps around me but I don't turn until a hand is place on my shoulder. I whip my head round to see Lucus. He looks younger than I remember.
"We can't keep chasing after you like this" He pants. "We're trying to keep you safe!" I pull his hand off my shoulder as I turn to continue walking but his words break me.
"For God's sake! No wonder you're so lonely" I stop dead in my tracks and turn on the spot. "Sorry, Peeta I didn't mean it like that" He tries to cover up what he said with an apoligy but I it changes nothing. I stride over to him and grip my hands around his head before twisting it rapidly. The snap of his neck breaking is the last thing I ever hear from Lucus. 
I look down at his body. One move was all it took to end him and now there's no going back. I don't feel guilt or remorse as his words echo in my head 'no wonder you're so lonely'. 
I'm not sure why the truth made me snap. Lonliness has been eating away at my brain since I left the train but it took Lucus' death for it to crash down on me like a wave. That's the thing about lonliness, it's easy to drown in. 

I take the rope out of Lucus' stiff hand and continue to walk, lost in thought, as Finnick, Johanna and Katniss look at the corpse. Finnick and Johanna argue while I study the rope.
"You said he wouldn't kill anyone!" Johanna scream at Finnick as the hover craft picks up Lucus' body then disappears into the clouds. 
"We were waiting for it to happen, Johanna. He was going to break at some point" Katniss cuts in.
I continue to walk until I reach a tall street light. I twist the rope in my hands until I've created a secure noose. I tie it to the bottom of the metal base of the light and swing the end over the top of the lamp. I didn't bother with knot tying in training but it looks right. I turn to watch the others arguing over something that can't be changed. The words of an old song come to my head.
"Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree"
I don't know where I heard that song. Perhap I heard a friend sing it in 12.

"He's in there somewhere! Peeta isn't gone!" I hear Katniss' voice echo from down the street where they still stand as I hum the 'The Hanging Tree' to myself. "Peeta! Peeta?" They've realised I'm not with them. I could run but what's the point? 
I watch the others call my name while I check the knots will hold me but Katniss whips her head around and spots me with the noose above my head. 
"Peeta! Stop!" She starts to sprint down the street followed my Finnick and Johanna. I step onto a ledge and move closer to the noose that swings slightly in the breeze. 
"If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree"
I reach out and take the rope in my hand just as a memory hits me in the face.
I see Katniss walking with man. He's tall with dark hair and a heart shaped face like Katniss. Her father. Katniss is giggling in her youth while her Father sings the words of The Hanging Tree to her. 
It then comes to me. I know the song from watching Katniss. I knew Katniss when I was young? 
I smile to myself as I remember seeing Katniss at school. She wasn't popular but everyone liked her. She was forced to grow up which made everyone admire her. She used to wear her hair in 2 braids instead of one. She used to go hunting. She was my ally in the Hunger Games. She saved my life. 

"Peeta! Stop! Please stop!" I hear her voice through my thoughts. I look up to see all 3 of them sprinting towards me. I glance over to wear Lucus' body once lay but all is left is rock and dust like he was never there. My hand grips tightly around the noose as I pull it over my head. It was hard enough knowing that I killed Cato but now the thought of living with the death of young Lucus makes tears roll down my cheeks. Katniss can survive without me by her side. I'll miss her but she has Gale to protect her now. 
I drop my hands from the rope just as knife soars through the air. It slits the side of my arm open. The sight of my blood trickling into my hand makes me lose my balance. I fall of the ledge but the rope catches me by my neck, making the noose tighten around my throat. 
My hands shoot up to the noose that traps my neck. I desperately try to loosen the the rope but it grows tighter and tighter. It feels like I'm drowning but everytime I try to escape to the surface I am dragged back down to the depths. 
Just as I am about to let myself fall, strong arms rescue me and take my weight. I gasp for air to fill my lungs but the tight rope grips around my neck.
"Katniss! Cut the rope" I raise my head slightly as Katniss climbs onto the ledge that I fell from. She cuts the rope so I fall backwards. My head hits the ground, the gravel piercing the back of my head.
"Hold on!" Johanna cuts the remaining rope from around my neck. I fill my lungs with the fresh air and close my eyes. 
I open them again when I feel someone running their hand through my hair.
"You're okay" Katniss whispers with a smile on her face. "You're okay" 
For the first time in what feels like years I smile. But not just out of relief; I smile at her because I finally feel like me again. The lonliness leaves me after all these months. It took Lucus' death to break me but it saved me aswell. I will never get to thank him.

I sit up slowly, rubbing my hand down my face while the others sigh. Finnick collects what's left of the rope and Johanna sits on the ground and catches her breath but Katniss never leaves my side.
"I'm sorry." She whispers like she is talking to herself. What I do next shocks her and myself. 
I lean forward and wrap my arms around her.
"I'm so sorry, Katniss" My words are muffled as I put my head on her shoulder but I know she can hear me. "I don't know what happened to me but I was screaming out to you in my head but I couldn't break through." I ramble on but Katniss lets go of me and looks me in the eyes.
"You're back. That's more than I could ask for." We don't speak for a while. We just embrace each other until we hear the small chime of a silver parachute that lands by my feet. 
Johanna opens it and pulls out a small syringe filled with yellow liquid. She holds it up to the sun light to get a better look
"I think it's pain killers for Lover Boy" She swirls the yellow fluid around in the syringe. "Might aswell use it now, it'll be over soon" 
Those same words again! "It'll be over soon".
"What do you mean?" I ask as Johanna sits down next to me. She looks at Katniss who shakes her head. 
"I'm back! You can tell me." I want to know badly; I'm tired of people hiding things from me.
"It'll be clear soon" Finnick whispers and looks at the sky which is slowly fading into darkness.
Before I can say anything else the Panem seal brightens the sky, playing the anthem.
I stare at the sky as the faces of Cashmere and Gloss appear, forcing us to remember them jumping off the building to their death. Lucus is shown next. I look at my hands; these hands killed the innocent in one move. It was too easy. 
Next comes Wiress and Enobaria. I'm not suprised at Wiress because everyone knew she barely made it her first time in the arena, but I thought Enobaria would be one of the last to go, if not the Victor.
I watch as Kayan, Leya, Chaff and the pair from 8 are all confirmed to be dead. I count 10 as the athem plays and the sky turns black. 10 dead in about 2 days! 
I am suprised when I hear Katniss, Finnick and Johanna all cheering and laughing.
"She made it! She's still alive" Finnick cries out in happiness. 
 "Who did?" I ask.
"Annie! She's out there somewhere!" He laughs. "We go split up in the first few seconds of the Games when Chaff chased after her but she's alive!" 

We take refuge for the night in a alley between two buildings. I lay down next to Katniss and watch her fall asleep. She looks like she did on the train, perhaps less healthy but she still looks as radiant as she did when her dress lit up onstage at the interviews. 
Despite being trapped in the arena, I am not haunted by nightmares. I sleep soundly with my friends my side. Snow should use more venom next time.