Stockholm Syndrome (Jalex)

Day Twenty Five

There's a trigger warning of abuse and self harm for this chapter, so be careful and if you don't feel comfortable reading then please don't. This is also a very dark chapter overall, so if you don't want to read it for whatever reason I'll be happy to give you a brief summary of what happens<3

Alex. Day Twenty Five - 4:46

I want to let him, but then again in the reality of it there could really be nothing worse.

I want to let him 'win', but I can't - I'm stubborn and he knows that too. He's cleverer than I thought, especially at first; I wasn't quite stupid enough to take someone on my own level of intelligence, and even with the array of shit I was taking then.

The worst thing was though that Jack wasn't just on the same level when it came to intelligence; he was always on the same level - he was me in another form and perhaps all I could have been if I hadn't gone down the wrong route in life, and it times like this that I drown myself in everything that went wrong.

And you've just got to love the bittersweet of it, because Jack is all I could have been and perhaps that why I both loathe and love him. I'm not sure as to whether that's for the better or for the worse; my mind's a mess right now - it always has been, and nothing, not even Jack can remedy that.

I'm lost within myself and perhaps that's the best place to be lost because nothing expect myself can hurt me here and that's comforting, but the comfort is nothing but naive and ignorant: because the thing I should be scared of the most is nothing other than myself.

I got myself here after all.

I'm the kind of person mothers are warning their little children about; I'm a monster, and Jack's lying to me now. I think maybe it isn't intentionally - I think maybe that I've blinded him too, but that's definitely my fault, because I've not just ruined myself - I've ruined him too.

There's no hope for sanity for either of us, and that's the only reason he's clinging onto me quite so tightly. On the other hand, I'm clinging on for dear life, because he's the only thing keeping me vaguely afloat - I need him more than either of us want to admit and that's sincerely my fault.

It just hurts that he can't let go; he didn't escape when I gave him the easy opportunity and that's entirely my fault - I've put him here - I've fucked this up and yet he stills looks up to me like I'm worth giving a damn about and I think that hurts more than any amount of bullets or hatred could.

He could pelt me with bullets until I bleed out and die and surely that still wouldn't hurt more than this does - the pure realisation of human emotion, and how that's just been lost for long.

I can barely remember what emotion, what feeling felt like anymore, and that's where this all went wrong; how I cut myself off from everything real and human and how I let the angels in.

I thought that was the best thing I'd ever done; making myself stronger, making myself harder, making myself impossible to beat, but that's not what life's about. That's not what anything's about. I'm just a childish coward to the extreme; all I've done is further isolated myself inside my own head and surely that's the worst place I could ever be.

All I've done is rendered myself incapable of ever being human again, and it took Jack to strike that out in me, to show me that there really was something else and all that I could have been right now, and I'd like to say that it wasn't my fault, but it really is.

It's always been my fault and there's really no way around that, except the tricking of my own mind and everyone around me, because what I've done to Jack is even more sickening than what I've done to the six others - Jack has to live with this fucked up head that my arrogance would say no psychologist could fix and he has to learn that I hold no answers by himself, because my childish behaviour has taught him to trust me like I'm the only one right.