Stockholm Syndrome (Jalex)

Day Twenty Eight

Day Twenty Eight. Jack - 6:48

I think perhaps that waiting for Flyzik to finally get here was one of the most anxiety-ridden experiences of my whole fucking life.

Now Alex’s... gone. These thoughts, these fucking thoughts keep creeping into my head and they keep whispering the most horrible things into my ears. These things though are of course in the afterthought absurd, but when they're screamed into your ear by what seems like hundreds- thousands- millions of little voices, they seem all so fucking real.

Today the voices make me nervously unsure that Flyzik will ever turn up. Perhaps he doesn't care at all, and perhaps he's abandoned us entirely; after all, for someone like him that possibility isn't at all entirely unlikely. That is of course affected by our current situation, though, because I know that even though Flyzik cares very little for me, I know he cares about Alex.

Alex is what matters here. 

I need to put aside all these silly little thoughts and get over myself, because I'm not potentially dead, I'm just fucked up, and I need to fucking get over myself.

I tell myself this, but the voices are arrogant and ridden with emotion; they don't listen.

Alex was right. 

I should have known: Alex is always right.

Emotions are worth nothing but another anchor built solely to weigh you down. It seems easy enough to recognise that now and of course the hardest part is untying yourself from the anchors when they're what you've clung to and tied yourself up in for all so fucking long.

But I hold onto the fact that without these anchors I'll be free and then perhaps I could get away from this completely and I could find Alex. He's the only thing that seems to matter at all right now; my sleep has been terrible, and I've made very little effort to care, despite Cassadee's endless protests.

I don't think I've eaten much either. I don't feel like it's going to help, I just don't feel hungry, I feel empty, I just don't feel... not without Alex.

Fuck, I just need him here - he'd know exactly what to do, and even if I didn't agree with what he had to say, he knew that it'd always be right and it'd be my fault for not listening to him. Fuck, I deserved this didn't I? I never really listened to him, I never really gave him all he asked for - I was rebellious and a fucking bitch to him, and therefore perhaps I deserved this fate, this loneliness after all.

Because at the start, my only desire was this - 'freedom' as I would have called it, but in reality it's anything but that. Irony does always choose the best moments to strike.

Even if this is freedom, I know for certain that I hate it more than I could ever express, because this isn't freedom, this is loneliness, this emptiness, this is what it feels to be lost, and god I need him more than I could ever know.

Again, Alex was right again, because Alex always knew that the two of us were alike, meant for each other perhaps. He even told me, in the early days, and of course I hadn't listened; I'd ignored the truth, I thought him stupid and even a liar, but of course, he was Alex and he was right all along.

Maybe Alex had just been trying to get me to accept this when we had sex, maybe because he just knew what was best for me... Perhaps I had been ignorant to that also, and perhaps I'm still ignorant now.

Fuck, I need him.

He'd know what to do, how to cure me of this ignorance I'd cursed myself with. I think perhaps that Alex may also be some sort of god because fucking hell, he's free from this all, he's perfect... fuck, when he says he hears the angels and god speaking to him, perhaps he does and perhaps he's right, because how else, could he possibly be constructed so perfectly and efficiently if he weren't made entirely for God's personal use.