Spin The Bottle // Stray Kids

9 ~ change

{!WARNING! SELF HARM AHEAD}
i apologise if this makes you uncomfortable, if you would like to skip to the next chapter that is fine and feel free to message me if you need a synopsis.

Felix didn't talk to me after he dropped me off at home the next day. Usually he'd text or snap me once he got home but nothing. I pinned it down to him being busy but I couldn't shake it.

I spent a few days worrying and forgetting but I couldn't help but think it was me.

He didn't text for days, I'd try and he ignored me. I cried so many night, texting Changbin and just knowing I was getting on his nerves.

Binnie 💍🙄: hes not ignoring you y/n

Me: how do you know? i havent spoken to him in almost a week

Binnie 💍🙄: idk maybe hes just busy
Binnie 💍🙄: i dont know

Me: okay

Binnie 💍🙄: come on its okay
Binnie 💍🙄: y/n?
Binnie 💍🙄: are you there?
Binnie 💍🙄: i love you please dont do anything bad
Binnie 💍🙄: please

I stared at my phone screen, looking at photos we'd taken, realising how stupid and disgusting I looked next to a perfect human. That's why he didn't reply. He saw my body and he knew. I was too much for him...he hates me...

I had nothing I could offer, I was worthless and useless and deserved to be hated. Hating myself just wasn't enough and I deserved to be hated by those I loved.

Dropping my phone, I scrambled shakily for my razor, not thinking at all. This is what I deserved, I wasn't good enough for him it's all my fault. I pulled the steel from its restraints and let loose.

My eyes felt dry and I just stared into space. I sat in the bath after putting the razor back and just let the water run. Initially, the water stung fresh cuts but that too, was pain I had deserved. The pain ceased eventually and I wrapped my thighs in some spare bandages I always kept around just in case. I'm sure it makes no sense that I kept things to help me heal when I do it to myself but neither does anything I think. Nothing makes sense.

I crawled down the stairs to the alcohol cabinet and pulled out the whiskey, taking long, deep gulps and slamming my fists on the floor. So much was happening and I was being overdramatic but I couldn't deal with anything then.

Limping back to my bedroom, I thought about Felix again. He'd think I was so stupid and pathetic. I slumped on my bed and lifted my sore legs into the covers before picking my phone up again. Across my screen read missed calls from Changbin and even one from Felix himself. My heart ached to see that and I couldn't take it. I broke down again and scrolled through my notifications to see a snap from Chan. Wiping my eyes on my sleeve I opened the snap.

New Snap from Bang Chan

I opened a chat, not really wanting to share my blotchy face.

Me: its fine Chan thanks but im just not good right now

New Snap from Bang Chan

Me: thank you really chan but its noone particularly, just me and my stupid emotions

New Snap from Bang Chan

Man what is with this guy and selfies?

Me: youre too cute Chan, its fine honestly ill be okay

New Snap from Bang Chan

Me: Chan please its fine
Me: Chan?
Me: oh god Chan please you cant see me
Me: oh god just please dont do what Felix did...
Me: oh god...

I limped out of bed and pulled on some pants, wincing as the material rubbed against the bandages and wiped my face. Still being a little tipsy, I didn't notice the blood stains coming through my grey pants ever so slightly as I panicked about Chan.

I also didn't realise how much his visit would change me.