New Dawn

Cal

I curse myself for leaving my bracelets on the table. But I'm sure Mare would've told her anyway. But still, it's embarrassing to be caught being so sloppy. I am not  used to sneaking around. 

I roll out from under the bed, standing up as I pull the bracelets off the nightstand. I slip them back on before climbing back in bed. I should really get up, but I'm exhausted. I didn't get nearly enough sleep last night. I look up ate the sealing, I hold my hand up and flex my fingers, letting the flame spark, and burn, letting the flame swirl around my fingers, climbing up and down my arms. 

I let my mind wander, to everything that's happening. To the last two days. How different everything is now. First Julian was shot, and I didn't do anything. More like I couldn't do anything. I wasn't even there. I can do nothing but blame myself. She told me it wasn't my fault, Sara I mean, but I can't bring myself to believe it. If I had been there maybe I could've stopped stopped it, taken out the assassin, done something. But I wasn't. I don't even know what I had planned that day, why I hadn't shown up. 

If we can save Julian everything will be ok. Its all I can think to keep myself going. Luckily, this is one thing I can actually help with. I helped Davidson draw the plans last night, I drew drafts, made prototypes. I wanted to work all night. I didn't want to leave. 

I feel the flame growing hotter against my skin, I clench my fist, putting it out. I need to get out of my own head, the way I get when she's around. The only time in the last three days, hell the last three months, when I've felt even remotely close to ok was when I was with her last night. I missed her. I missed her more than I could say last night when we talked. More than I could show her last night when I stayed over. 

Seeing the earring, seeing her wear it, it put to rest all of the fears that had been weighing on me for so many months. Talking to her, telling her all about my life and hearing about hers made me think maybe we would have a future. Feeling her last night, remembering who she was and getting to know who she was now made me think about the future. I don't know if I want to leave Norta if Julian survives. Even if he doesn't. But I don't want to have to ask her to stay. To say those words that tore us apart months ago, to ask that she choose me. I can't put that on her, not again. But in a similar way I am struggling with how to choose her. 

I don't want either of us to leave our homes, our families. But I don't want to watch her walk away, or have her stay, but always resent me, just a little bit deep down for making her leave them. In the same way I can't spend too much time thinking of Julian, I can't spend thinking of her either. With her, at least for now. I have to exist in the moment. 

I pull myself up and out of bed. I need to move. I pull on my clothes from last night. I'll have to stop by my rooms to get my running clothes. 

I sneak out of her room, making sure no one sees me. Luckily, I run into no one I know as I quickly make my way back into my room. I pull on shorts and a thin work out shirt, then slide on running shoes and and run a brush through my tangled curls. I have terrible, terrible bed head. I chuckle. It's a good thing no one saw me in the hallway. That would've been something impossible to talk my way out of. 

I enter the hallway again, and jog out and down to the training facility. 

I run, and I run, and I run. If only I could run away from my thoughts.