New Dawn

Cal

I'm too nervous to eat anything. I take dinner with my Uncle in his rooms but I do not eat. I can't bring myself too.

Of course I understand why she wants to talk. I want to talk too. But I can't say I'm not nervous.

"What's on your mind?" Julians words pierce the air.

Up until now we haven't had a real conversation since he got hurt. We've talked about how he's feeling, or how the government is going to change, made jokes about retirement. But neither of us has addressed the elephant in the room. That he's powerless. I didn't know how to start the conversation and he hasn't't done it himself. I don't think he knows how. I used to think there was nothing Uncle Julian didn't know how to do.

I wrack my brain. Do I answer honestly? That my stomach is tied in knots over my impending talk with Mare? Or do I blow it off as though I'm just tired. After all we've all had a lot of late nights getting everything in order for tomorrow.

I decide honesty is the best call. Julian is good at giving advice.

"I'm going to talk to Mare after this. The whole 'what are we doing?' talk" I say. "I, I'm not sure what to say."

Julian raised an eyebrow, "not to be snide Cal, but shouldn't you say what you feel?"

I can't help but smile.

"I mean yea. But, I mean what if we want different things?" I ask "and even if we want the same thing, I mean logistically what do we do?" I feel myself beginning to slip into a rambling, "so I offer to leave Norta? To leave you, or do I ask her to stay here? Or do we agree to wait until six months is up and see where we are then?" I take a breathe. "It feels like it'll only cause issue. I mean, her family and friends are there. Mine are here. Not that I even have many friends but you know what I mean."

I pause to take a breathe.

"I just, I'm worried is all Julian." I pause, "I don't want to loose her again."

He offers me a small smile.

"Cal let me tell you something. From what I just heard, you have the best possible problem."

I can't help but make a face. What on earth does that mean.

"I mean" he says, practically reading my mind, "that your issue isn't your feelings or your priorities, like it always was before. Your issue is how to properly act on your feelings."

I still don't totally understand what he's saying.

"What I'm saying, Cal"

How does he always know what I'm thinking?

"Is that you know how you feel and you know what you want. Nothing is ever easy if it's worth anything. But now you know what you want, you have to work for it. But the first step in doing that is showing Mare that you want to work for it." He offers me a smile "do you understand what I'm saying?"

Finally I do.

I nod. "I have to show her I know what I want. That she's what I want." That I'm still in love with her.

He nods, "exactly, Cal." He smiles, "now eat up, how are you supposed to tell someone something like that on an empty stomach?"

We both laugh. I am so glad he's ok.

We eat in silence for a few moments. Both of us enjoying the food the silver and red chefs had made this evening. Eventually the clock strikes eight, and I look up at it. We're meant to meet at eight thirty.

I finish my food and feel restless just sitting at the table. I want to go for a run, to spar, to go into the training room and throw flames until I collapse. I get up and clear my place setting onto the cart the food was brought in on.

"I'll take it down to the kitchen" I say, stopping Julian from ringing for a servant. "I could use a walk."

He hesitates, but nods.

I help him load his dishes onto the cart, packing everything on much more precariously than the way it was brought in. He offers me a smile which I return. I begin pushing the car towards the door.

"Cal." He says, causing me to pause. "I'll move to Montfort with you."

I turn sharply, "Julian I would never ask..."

But he cuts me off "no need to my boy." He says "with nothing to do in Norta but hide in the shadows. Perhaps a change of scenery may be desirable sometime in the future." He smiles "if, in six months, what you wanted was to go."

I cannot hide my smile, biting my lip.

"Thank you, Julian" I manage to say "for everything."

"I don't say it for your sake" he says with a chuckle "I don't think I would want to live without you to tell off for your misguided choices." He smiles and I see his eyes shine slightly. He thinks of her. His younger sister. I guess we are both using each other to fill in  for her absence.

But I do not mind. Not one bit. I move across the room quickly and pull him into my arms, squeezing him in my grip. He is skinnier than he was before, but he is still as warm. Not hot like my father was, like Mavey was, but humanly warm. Like she must have been. Like she is.

He chuckles "don't put me back in the hospital squeezing me too hard." He says.

I return the laugh with one of my own.

"Besides" He says "if you stayed for my sake, well I think the whining and moping may actually kill me."

That earns a real laugh from me. He's right, I have been awfully mopey in the months she's been gone. I hadn't really noticed until the spryness has returned to my step with her return to the country. 

"Bold of you to assume it's you that's keeping me here." I jest, "if you had any hint of sense you'd know it was all Sara."

And with that we both laugh. I step back to the cart, opening the door and beginning my exit.

"Thank you Julian." You mean more to me than you know.

I close the door softly behind me and walk down the kitchens, taking the long way to take in the hallways I used to walk down with a misguided purposes, the halls Mavey and I used to play in. I cannot help but think of him still. This palace is haunted by his ghost. The ghost of the little boy afraid of the dark. A little boy I miss more than anything.

I return the dishes and tip the cooks. The food was especially good tonight. Then I return up the halls towards Mare's apartments. I arrive exactly at eight thirty. I take a breathe and push back the curls that have fallen in my eyes, then I knock on the door.