Changes | Bichie

| t w e l v e ; within the three days |

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• B u t - B i l l ' s - safety - w a s - f a r -
m o r e - i m p o r t a n t - t o - h i m - t h a n -
h i s - o w n - happiness •
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Here he was, sitting the edge of the quarry as he stared out to the ocean. He was so angry with himself, ashamed, and overall disappointed in himself. Why? Because he had did the one thing he never wanted to do and promised himself he wouldn't.

He hurt Bill, most importantly he fell in love with him.

Years back, when Richie was trying to understand these feelings, he could remember a faint memory in the back of his head, a memory of the night he promised himself he wouldn't fall in love with Bill.

And it wasn't just cause gay's weren't excepted in Derry, it was his parents, his best friends, the people at there school, how would they react?

He didn't even understand what he was feeling, he didn't understand what was wrong with him. Why did you kiss that girl if you like Bill? He asked himself, dangling his feet and staring at them from above.

All his life he was told being gay was wrong, but what if he wasn't gay? At least not fully. No, that doesn't make sense. Richie shook his head and sighed.

He was confused and hurting for many reasons.

But the main reason was Bill. It was Bill being in the hospital because he was dealing with something richie was too blind to see. It's that Bill was hurting when he was the last goddamn person who deserved pain.

It was that he choose Henry over him. It was that he knew he was hurting Bill and yet he continued to do so because he felt it was best Bill fell out of love with him.

It was that Bill was there for each of them, for people who weren't even IN the losers club and he got fucked over by his feelings and self doubt. And frankly, no matter how many times it went over in his head, no matter how many times he had heard Bill was in the hospital due to an eating disorder, he couldn't quite understand it.

How could someone so beautiful, someone who glowed every time he smiled, or when he laughed. Someone who's eyes would crinkle at the sides, bottom lip would shake, and eyebrows would furrow together every time he cried and still be beautiful, hate himself.

"Bullshit." He said to himself, his back hunched over neatly leaning off the quarry.

But it wasn't bullshit and that's what hurt Richie. He wanted to help bill, but he didn't know how, maybe leaving was the only good thing he could do for Bill.

Maybe.

But no matter how far he was from Bill, or how many times he tried to convince himself he didn't deserve a love like Bill's, he knew he'd always love him. It was that crazy, stupid love.

That love where every little thing reminds you of them, that was what he felt for Bill. All he wanted was Bill to be sitting beside him so he could cry into his shoulders.

Richie's shoulders started to shake as he began to sob, why am I making this so difficult? He wondered.

Why was he? Bill and him were already in each other's arms, falling madly in love with the other and he screwed it up. But why? Why couldn't he just let himself he happy? Be happy with him.

Richie shook his head and grabbed a smoke from his cigarette carton, placing it in between his parted lips and shutting them down on it. He lit a flame and inhaled, exhaling slowly through his nose.

"Richie?" Richie whipped his head around and stood up immediately, his hands beginning to shake from how nervous he was to see the last person he expected to see.

"B-Bill?" Richie's voice grew shaky, but he was too good at pretending he was confident. He had his cigarette in his hand when Bill ran into his arms nearly causing Richie to fall back, but luckily he caught his balance.

This was definitely the last thing he expected from Bill, but a smile spread across his face as he brought his hands around his tall, but still shorter than him, best friend.

Bill pulled away and placed his hands along the side of Richie's face as he began to tear up, smiling at his beautiful, tall, curly haired, freckled skinned, best friend. "I'm so-sorry, rich." Bill caressed his cheeks and stared at him as if he was the sun, stars, and moon.

Richie let out a nervous chuckle and threw his cigarette so he could bring his arms fully around bill, stopping around his waist. "For what?"

Bill furrowed his brows together, "For Henry.. I wanted to tell you, I did. B-But I promised." And then Richie remembered, oh he remembered all to well how bill picked Henry over him.

Richie pulled away and kept his now downcast eyes glued to his snickers. "It's fine, Bill. I guess I just thought you'd choose me over him—"

"W-What? Choose? I didn't c-choose anyone or anyone, Richie. And if I had to, I'd choose you." Bill lifted Richie's chin and began to sob, Richie's face scrunched up, hating seeing Bill in pain. Even though he managed to still be beautiful when he cried, it was painful to see him hurting.

Richie could feel his eyes start to tear up, "Richie, p-please.. believe me. I- I love you." He sobbed out, his hands falling from Richie's face and now shaking at his sides as his shoulders fell up and down from how hard he was crying.

Richie sighed and shook his head, "I want to, Bill. But.. I can't." Bill's tears tugged at his heart, feeling his soul break as he forced the words to escape his lips no matter how much it hurt them both. "So, stop loving me, Bill. Stop loving me because— because I'll never love you." Bill's eyes widened.

He bit the insides of his cheeks as he stood before Richie, stunned to hear the words he knew he'd someday hear. "You d-don't mean it." Bill stated, shaking his head in disbelief as he moved closer to richie.

Richie moved away from him and nodded his head, "I do, Bill. So, do yourself a favor and fall out of love with me because I'll never love you." Two tears escaped Bill's eyes as he slowly walked backwards, still in shock.

Richie pulled Bill into a hug and sighed, "I'm so sorry, Big Bill." Richie whispered before pulling away and walking off into the forest that led back to the town leaving Bill to cry, hurt and confused.

Richie got a phone call and answered it, "I did it, okay? Please, just leave him alone." He heard his father smile from the other side of the call, pleased that he got what he wanted.

"Good, now get home. We're going on a trip." His father hung up on Richie before he got the chance to respond.

Richie began to sob to himself, looking back to see Bill's silhouette in the moonlight, shaking from how hard he was crying. Richie wanted to run to him and engulf him into a warm embrace and tell him that never actually meant always.

But Bill's safety was far more important to him than his own happiness.