heart eyes

tonight

Wowee do I need to sleep...can't tell if I'm extra depressed or extra manic or somewhere in between or in love but this is the first time I'm writing about a thing that's actually happening so enjoy and hug someone you love.

Words can't really begin to explain how I feel, but I'll try anyway.

I'm at my aunts. I feel complete here. I feel free in her big backyard, the red rope swing, the playhouse, the garden, all surrounded by trees.

It's my favorite time of day, not so dark that we can't see but dark enough that it's night.

There's still smoke in the air from the sparklers my cousins and I used. It's calm, and peaceful, and I feel my stomach sink in a good way when my aunt points out the fireflies.

We look over to the edge of the woods, and every few seconds I see a tiny flash of light. Sometimes it's closer, sometimes it's higher, or farther, or lower, but it never leaves our line of sight. We stand in the middle of the grassy yard, the longer, uncut patches tickling our ankles, and watch as more specks of light pop up, all the different groups flying around each other, growing closer and then fleeting back to the woods.

I stand in the middle of the yard and think. I think about how I want the life my aunt has. Happily married, two young children, a home, a garden, a little red rope swing, a playhouse, a yard surrounded by trees, sparklers and fireflies lighting up the dimly lit field. I think about how, at 14, I will do so much. I will fall in love. I will kiss a boy, and I will kiss a girl. I will watch the stars at night. I will run through fields. I will hold someone's hand. I will sit in a quiet yard. I will live for myself.

But for now, I live for more nights like this. More nights filled with sparkler smoke and fireflies.

We go inside. The feeling stays.

I feel like Charlie from The Perks of Being a Wallflower: infinite. I think that maybe I'm manic, or maybe I'm happy, or maybe I'm in love with tonight.

I think it doesn't matter, because the feeling stays.

I think of fireflies.