heart eyes

a message

a message i know you'll never to see but need you to hear

holy shit, i really like you. holy shit.

it's killing me, having to act as if i only want to be your friend and nothing more, having to see you flirting with the girls sitting next to you, having to know that you'll never go for me now, even though we liked each other when we were younger. it's eating at me that no matter how hard i try i can't get over you, and that every time i think i've finally done it, you smile at me and suddenly you're all i can think about again. it's killing me, having to wonder if you think about me as much as i think about you, trying to make plans with your sister when i know you'll be home so maybe i'll get to see you, even if it's just for a second. having to pretend that i'm not pressing my leg up against yours harder than necessary as we sit next to each other on the couch. it's killing me that you're the only person i've wanted to kiss for three years, and that i can't, because i can't get you alone, and because i'm too scared to try the one thing i've wanted to do since i met you. it's killing me. you're killing me, with that stupid smile and the way you kept your hair long because you knew i liked the way your curls popped up when you wore that stupid hat. the way you smile at me as if our sisters aren't sitting right there, watching us carefully because they've been waiting for us to get together. the way you so effortlessly force me to look at you like i've never looked at anyone before. i can't tell if you know that you're driving me crazy or if you're just trying because you like when i get frustrated, but it makes me like you more than i thought i could. it makes me want you so much more, the fact that i've wanted you forever, and the fact that i'll probably always want you at least a little. i want you so much that it hurts, and you're the person i think about when i close my eyes.

it's you.

it's been you since sixth grade. it's been you since we promised to steal something together before we turned 18. it's been you since you convinced me to play 1 on 1 with you at the outdoor court at the middle school, and you crossed me up so bad that i quit. it's been you since my father decided he doesn't like you, and i saw how upset that made you. it's been you since our sisters were on the same basketball team, and when i told them that i liked you, they screamed. it's been you since i realized that every inch of you makes me laugh, smile, or want to scream. it's been you since i decided that i couldn't date that other boy because oh my god it was you and no one else. it's been you since we FaceTimed after school and you had spaghetti hanging out of your mouth, and i still have the screenshot on my camera roll. it's been you since i finally pinpointed the feeling i get when you leave as disappointment, and the excitement i get when you come back is too much for me to handle being just your friend. i don't imagine myself feeling this way about someone in the future, although i probably will, but maybe i don't even want to. maybe i just want you.