Echo Creek Mental Institution

Chapter 18: A Convoluted Plan

As we walk down the hall, everyone becomes engrossed in a big conversation. I didn't say much and no one noticed but for some reason there was a spot left for me between Ferg and the others and no one tried to squeeze me out and Ferg didn't just switch to the other side and everyone seemed to keep their pace with me. It was magical and it is seriously sad that this is what I find special. I feel like this is basic human decency but okay.
The conversation ranged from everyone's highest rank in Fortnight to what everyone was missing in school. Janna and Jackie apparently checked in one after the other. They went to the same school but (obviously) weren't friends. Janna was the isolated, quote-on-quote "freak" of the grade who was known for not accepting any cafeteria food from the brown haired lunch lady. Jackie, on the other hand, was the popular, reckless, cool kid who was known for body slamming herself into the desk one day and not talking to anyone the next.
"So Star," Jackie skips a few paces in front and turns to face us, walking backwards. "What was your title in school?"
My title? "I honestly have no idea." I shrug.
"Oh come on!" Janna sighs. "Even I know and I'm as socially ambiguous as a guava."
"Well I was the... I guess the loud one?" I shrug.
"Like... you spoke up a lot?" Jackie asks.
"No no no I uh..." I chew on my cheek. I mean this literally I do this when I get nervous. "I never did speak up just when I was around my friends-" I wish there was a word for used-to-be-friends-but-not-anymore. Like ex-friends but less pretentious. "-my voice just... got louder? I don't know whenever I got excited or in the moment I'd start speaking fast and loud. So I guess I'd be like the freaky weird loud one?"
Silence. Shit I gave too much backstory. Do you ever shut up, Star!?
"That's pretty cool." Janna says softly.
"What?" My ears burn.
"I mean the fact you'd get so into something that you had no idea how other people were hearing ya you just sorta... I don't know spoke from the heart?"
My stomach was churning. No ones ever told me that before. All I've gotten is yelled at by my parents and shushed by my sister and embarrassed looks from all my friends. No ones ever stopped and told me how cool this thing was. I wanted to cry of happiness but I didn't cause that'd be weird.
"Thanks." I smile.
Janna nods and we conclude our walk in the rec room with the big, floor to ceiling and barred windows. Everyone's here but no ones paying attention. We sit down but not in the same order. Ferg moved over to Marco who was next to Janna who was next to Jackie who ended up sliding over to squeal that girl Kelly in between me and her. Voila, the earth was back on its axis.
The weirdest part of all this is it was, in theory, easily avoidable. I could just go to the back room before everyone sat down and then return and ask to squeeze in. No one turns away someone who wants to squeeze in. Or maybe they would. Maybe I'd choke and end up where I am right now. Or maybe if I wasn't so social stupid I could just make a friend who likes me. But I guess that's just stupid. The only way I'd sneak into this friend group is if I dated one of them but Jackie seems unavailable and I don't think I'd wanna date a sex addict anyways and Janna doesn't seem like she'd want to date anyone.
But I mean, besides that horribly convoluted plot to sneak my way into a friend group, I could tell them I want friends. Like... not in any grand gesture I could just be like casual about it. Instead I'm basically shooting myself in the foot over and over and over again. I mean, one time my stomach hurt so bad I thought my appendix burst but did I tell my parents? No like a fucking dickhead I suffered and silence and watched as my appetite decreased and got all huffy about my parents not noticing but to be fair at the time I'd been freaking out about this internship I had and I told my parents several times about how it was killing me on the inside and I had a small panic attack about it but all they said was like "no you're fine" or "you're over thinking it" and always "What is there even to be stressed out about" like yeah cause all emotions are rational and sane. So yeah, I wasn't feeling the trust or the love so maybe my appendix did burst but I still stuffed my face whenever I was around them cause I didn't want them to get suspicious and I just let myself almost fall over whenever I went running but I didn't tell them. Cause they'd probably say "oh it's just a stomach ache." So meh what was the point even?
"Excuse me, Star?" Someone taps my shoulder. I turn to see an old, Latina nurse smiling at me.
"Yeah?" I say, hearing my voice raise a few octaves. (Ever notice when you're on the phone or talking to some adult your voice gets higher? No? Mines does?)
"Your therapist would like to see you now."I look back at forth between her and the head-guy standing on the table. She notices. "Oh yes they are scattered throughout the day. Sorry you'll have to miss Community Catch-Up."
Oh. That's what we were doing. Okay.
"Hey tell me if I miss anything." I say to Jackie and Kelly. They both nod and give me a thumbs up and I walk out with the old lady.
As we do, we pass a guy with a clip bored which has names and notes. I catch one that is circled and lies next to someone's name.
"Sitting alone."
Oh shit. Have they been watching us the whole time?

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