Echo Creek Mental Institution

Chapter 21: Dear Future Me

Dear Future Me,
Today, my dad told me I should go eat. I was going to say I wasn't hungry, but stopped myself. He actually cared enough to notice I wasn't eating. That and he stumbled upon me being wide awake at 4 am. Then I lied and just said I couldn't fall asleep. But tonight when he asked about eating I actually got up as soon as he said that, went downstairs and ate some corn and some chicken he had made. Not enough to call a meal but I ate some. I dunno if it was because he wanted me to put it away after or if it was because it was getting cold but honestly? I don't care. I'm going to believe it's because he finally noticed I haven't been eating as much as normal. This is why I don't think I'm actually depressed, I want my parents to help out and I don't lie reflexively about me being depressed. I want someone to notice and I want to spill everything and I don't think that's what depressed people are actually like.
So... I guess I'm just a horrible, sucky person.
Sorry for writing this instead of doing whatever you wanted me to be doing!
-Past Star

I sit in the rec room wishing I had a knife to cut open my stomach and take out all the food inside. I ate to much. I always eat to much. And then I feel sick. And then I realize how much food I waste. It's like, I eat when food is in front of my because the taste is nice and eating is one of those euphoric things you do. I love how food tastes. It's the after I hate. I feel gross and sticky and a big waste of space. Someone important probably wanted whatever I was eating and now they can't have it so wow I suck. Also I eat and eat and eat and eat and it's embarrassing I just can't ever seem to shut my mouth. The call of flavor just fucks me over every time it's near. Fuck.
This was a constant cycle. My life was like tumbling down a massive stair case. I either walk down the stairs like a normal person and it's simple i mean it walking down a flight of stairs. Then I get to a landing and I'm so confident that I can walk down the stairs because I just walked down stairs and it's walking down a flight of stairs that I don't even think and that causes me to tumble down the next flight of stairs and I keep trying to stop myself from falling but it just makes it all hurt so much more and I just have to wait until I get to a landing to straighten myself out and it gives me a second shot at the stairs. And those stairs I'll be happy and walk down but then next flight I'll trip.
And so I'm stuck on endless, painful loop.
And it's full of my eating too much then too little then at random times. Maybe I'll be awake until 5 am or 3 am or maybe I'll take a nap from 6 pm onwards. And then I'll be so dedicated with my grades for a day or two and study hard and then other times I'll be binding under a blanket and hoping the roof shattered above me and a piece of plaster slices my head off. One day I'll be so social and happy and I'll talk to people and go off and ask them and then other days I'll literally curse at my phone for buzzing. Or maybe I'll secretly test my friends and wait for them to text my first. It's not very nice.
I sink in the couch as a few people walk in. None of them notice or me or if they do, they don't come over and say anything. Do people normally walk over to people? Has anyone have anyone honestly want to be a part of their life? I sit and think, never has anyone wanted to get to know me. Maybe because I'm loud or they all already hate me. I remember sweet 16 season. One of my friends got invited to basically all of them, even if she wasn't actual friends with them. I wasn't, like their parents said my name and they were like "ew no" even if I hadn't talked to them in years. I just leave a bitter taste in people's mouth.
Eventually people get bored of me or they just assume they know me I guess. People don't want to be my friend, I've never had an active friend. Like no ones ever liked me more than I liked them and I even dumped all my toxic friends and yet it's like I'm back with another! And now I'm in a mental hospital because of what all those so called friends made me feel and it's unfair because I'm a good person! I try so hard and I know I'm a good person! It's other people that make me feel shitty and stupid and worthless. It's all your fault. It's all your fault for not wanting me around or not including me because i know none of you actually want me to be there. Fuck you. Fuck all of you. I'm a good person. Fuck. You.
I get up and walk to the cafeteria yet again.

I'm not hungry, but I know I'm still going to eat.

SCHOOLS STARTING SOON SO I BET CHAPTERS ARE COMING AGAIN :/

FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE
WOLFIE