Love The One You're With

Chapter 16 - You just can't forget someone that's been a part of you

The next morning, I woke up feeling so light headed and happy as ever. I get up from my bed and get ready for work.

I reached the set and they’re already setting the things up. I looked for somebody to talk with. Somebody who is familiar to me – to make it short then, I’m looking for Brad. But Erin approached me.

“Hi Jen!” she said, flashing this cute little smile on me.

“Hello Erin, how are you?” I asked, with this very high pitch of my voice that only comes out when I’m with dogs or children.

“I’m fine.” She replied, and sat down into a small box beside me. “How come you’re so pretty?”

It’s true! Kids tell the truth.

“Aw, thank you honey! But you’re beautiful too, do you know that?” I said, touching her hair.

“Am I? When I grow up I just wanna be like you. You seem so happy!” She confided, while I try to braid her hair.

“You know baby, the best thing is, trying to find who you really are. And when you do, that’s when you will be truly happy!” I know she won’t really understand the meaning of what I said, but when she’s older I know she will and hoping that it will help her. I see her smile, and she touched the part of her hair that’s already braided.

“Do you have a daughter?” She asked, and I feel this little pinch in my heart that somewhat doesn’t wanna answer her question, but I did.

“I did.” I answered, trying to smile and hide the pain that I feel inside.

“Oh, where is she?” she intrigued, looking up at me.

“She’s an angel now sweetheart.”

“I bet she’s beautiful like you.”

“She is honey. She was.” I secured her braid with an elastic tie. When I let go of her hair, she touched it and smiled at me.

“Thanks Jen!” and she ran because the makeup artist called her to retouch her face.

“Kids are very talkative, aren’t they?” Brad magically appeared behind me.

“Ha, yeah! But too adorable too!” I said, walking going to my trailer as Brad follows me.

“Why don’t you and your better and younger chef make one?” he teasingly asked. I looked directly at him and just stared at him like he’s some kind of a painting hanging in a wall. “What?”

“What what?” I continue walking ‘til we reached my trailer.

“You didn’t answer my question.” He stressed, managing to follow me inside and sat down the sofa across the little kitchen.

“I don’t know what to answer you.” I explained, opening the fridge looking for something to drink. “You like juice? Water?”

“I’m fine. Why not?” He continue bugging me.

“Because…” I paused and sat down into the counter. “It’s awkward! And you’re my ex-husband!”

“Where you at? 2005?!” He stood up and grabbed the chair from the dining table and put it exactly across me. He sat down, joined his hands together and waited for me to spill the beans.

“Ha-ha-ha. Not funny at all!”

“I’m not even joking? Come on Jen! Just tell me. Or else I’m gonna give you one of ours, I think Angie thinks of getting another one anyways.” I looked at him and don’t know whether to laugh or be pissed by what he just said.

I just sat there, across him, trying to not cry over this. I felt a lump forming inside my throat.

“After what happened with Alexa--” I stopped and looked at him. Trying to read his face if he still remembers. “I think I can’t do it anymore, so Justin and I decided to not have one.”

I hear myself and my voice is cracking. I sound so pathetic right now.

“But Jen, it’s been like what, a decade?” he said, with sympathy in his eyes.

“Is it?” I looked up and gazed into his eyes holding back my tears and trying to stop all of the pain I have inside.

Alexa was our daughter. Nobody knows about her besides Brad, some friends and family. We did try our best to keep her and announce that I was having a baby a month before I give birth. I was eight months pregnant when I had an accident. I fell from the stairs back in our old home and that’s when my worst nightmare happened.

I delivered Alexa 7 weeks premature but she was safe, that’s what the doctors said. She was in incubation for 3 days until she had hard time breathing and gave up on herself.

It was really hard for a mother like me, seeing your child in pain. There were a lot of hands that’s holding her tiny body. Putting cables, doing CPR. My heart was crushing seeing her little body being treated like that. Brad was with me, watching the doctors resuscitate our little angel. And yes, even though she was taken away from me very soon, she will always be a part of me.

A week after, there comes this People Choice Award.  Brad doesn’t want me to go, but I insist. It was the least I can do to take Alexa away from my mind even just for a night. I came with a cane and smiled to the camera like nothing even happened. I told everybody that I broke my toe from bumping into furniture. They were all sad by my broken toe, but what they don’t know is my toe is not the only thing that’s broken in me.

“Yes. And it’s--” he stopped, looked down. “Tomorrow.”

“Oh god.” I can’t control my tears anymore and burst. Brad immediately stood up and hugged me. I feel his hands touching my hair trying to comfort me.

I buried my face into his shoulders and continue sobbing. I just can’t believe that I’m still affected by a thing that happened ten years ago.

It again goes at the back of my mind the scene were Alexa is struggling to breathe and all of the doctors are trying their best to revive her. The thought of this just makes me cry even more.

I felt Brad hug me tightly. I can feel his warmth and his breath behind my ear. The exact state we are a decade ago.

He kissed my head, I felt it and just continue touching it. I pulled away and wiped my face with my sleeves.

“I’m so sorry that you still need to see this.” I said, sniffing.

“It’s okay. I’ve seen the worst of you.” He said, trying to cheer me up. “And I still think of her once in a while, you know.”

“You do?” I asked, still trying to remove all of the tears in my face.

“Yeah. You just can’t forget someone that’s been a part of you.” He looked straight into my eyes and smile. I felt the spark between our gazes and I just smiled back.

Somebody knocked on the door and shouted, “Call time.”

“Now, freshen up. It’ll still be a long day.”