grace under pressure • jerome valeska

CHAP.40: Looking Back

 I remember when I was a small child I had one friend. His name was John. He was about my age, only a year older than I was. He had black hair and had startling blue eyes along with somewhat pale skin. He was the sweetest boy I had ever met. 

  You see, my brothers didn't like me getting around other boys. According to them, I was there property. When at school and a guy even glanced my way in class or gave a smile, my brothers would make sure it never happened again. Either beating them up or threatening them. So, having John as a friend was very special. 

  We didn't have any sexual attraction or what it was called back then, we didn't "like like" each other. We just hanged out. He would comfort me when I cried after my parents beat me. He would tell me everything was going to be okay. And whenever he was around, I was okay. 

  One day, after I had know him for about two years, I was caught talking to John. A girl at school had stared at me as I spoke to him about a test while sitting on a bench. He didn't go to my school but visited me regularly so it wasn't a surprise that someone had finally caught us. 

  But she didn't act like I thought she would. She instead stared at me as if I was insane then ran away from me. I had been confused as to why she had done that but just shrugged it off, choosing to ignore it. 

  After awhile, that same girl kept catching me talking to John. After awhile I became annoyed with her and thought maybe she was following me. So I came up to her, asking what her what her problem was. She had seemed slightly scared of me when I came up to her, flinching away whenever I talked. 

  I asked her why she kept following me and John. She had knit her brow and asked who John was. I told her it was the guy I was always talking to. But, she told me she didn't ever see me with a guy. She then explained why she seemed so afraid of me. She had said she always saw me talking to myself, laughing and joking as if someone was in front of me but she never saw anyone. 

  I thought she was making fun of me. I thought she was just another mean girl blonde bully who liked to pick on me like everyone else did. I told her to stop following me and if she did it again I would do something to stop her. I never saw her again except for in the hallways.

  Our little talks lingered in the back of my mind for awhile, it kind of creeping me out to a point I told John. He told me not to worry about it, just saying she was a bully. It had been exactly what I had been thinking.

  A few months passed by and more and more people started to see me with John. They had the same reactions at the girl, pointing to me and whispering. It came to a point a teacher asked me why I was talking to myself all the time for. I had told her what I told the girl, that I was talking to John. She asked who he was and I explained to her that he was my friend. 

  The teacher had gotten worried for me and called a parent teacher conference. My parents didn't like that. The teacher had told them I had been caught talking to myself and that I claimed to be talking a boy named John. I had been forced to sit there for awhile, listening to them talk before then asking me to leave. 

  It turns out, while I had sat outside the office, they had talked about me seeing a therapist. In the next week, I visited a women by the name of Mrs. County and we talked to each other about random things. My feelings. John. My parents. I kept back the part about them abusing me. It would make them angry if I disobeyed them by telling others. 

  Two months later, the therapist suggested to my parents I take medication. She had told me they were to make me strong. And since I was a kid, I believed her. I believed her lies as I took two pills every morning from a small orange bottle. I started to see John less and less.