grace under pressure • jerome valeska

CHAP.46: Doubt

  When Jerome told me about his twin I was beyond surprised. A twin of Jerome. That was hard to imagine. I never thought anyone could be even remotely similar to Jerome in anyway whatsoever. But I guess I was wrong. Jerome told me he wore glasses. I wonder how that would look. Probably not so good. He also said he was smart so it would be hard to find him but he was determined. And with all this talk about siblings, I started to think about dear old sister Selina. 

  I wonder how she was doing. She was gonna be the first person I saw when I got out of here. My first priority. I grow happy whenever I thought how our little talk was going to go. She was the only person in my family I hadn't killed yet. I had done my father, mother, and brothers. But she was still walking around. I needed to get her. I needed to get...closure so to speak. In other words, I needed to kill her.

  I need to. I have been over with all my family. It was only her left. I hated the fact she was alive. It felt like an unsolved puzzle. I needed to finish it. It kept nagging at me. And I have always hated naggers. Plus, I just wanted to. It was just who I was. I was a killer from the start.

  Also with all this talk about the past, I started to think of my childhood. I had forgotten about it with all that had been going on. But now that I had nothing to do, my memories seemed to seep into me an unnatural rate. All the times they had beaten me. All the times they had abused me. All the times nobody did anything to help me. 

  That was what was wrong with this shit of a world. The fact that people turned a blind eye to anything that didn't suit their interest. Oh, a girl is being abused next door? Not my problem. Oh, a girl is being smashed into a wall repeatedly? Not my problem. Oh, a girl is being starved until she passes out? Not my problem. Selfish, arrogant, pricks with nothing to do but love themselves. 

  People said that there were good people in the world. I think that was a load of shit. A load of complete and utter shit. No one was good. No one was innocent. Everyone has done something bad in their life. They have done something unforgivable. But the difference between me and them was that I admitted it. I owned up to it instead of being a coward and hiding away from the truth. I was honest. Unlike all the lying assholes who claimed to be saints in every possible way. 

  Like for example, Jimbo. It was obvious he had darkness. Deep, horrible darkness. But yet, he acted as if he was the best thing since sliced fucking bread. Everyone thought he was the good guy. The man who could answer all questions and solve all problems. I've seen his darkness many times over and I knew for a fact he was not the good guy. I hated fakers and Jim was the worst of them all. 

  Oh how the past brought out the worst of memories. The worst of times. The times you wish you never remembered in the first place. Sometimes, only sometimes, I wished I was blank like I was after Jerome died. Just completely gone from the world in every possible way. Forget everything. Forget all the pain. All the heart ache. I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. Was that bad? 

  I wouldn't say it out loud of course. But ever so slightly did I want that dullness to come back to me. I would have peace. My mind would be gone and so would all my problems. I knew it would never happen and it would break Jerome's heart if I ever tried. But I couldn't help thinking of it. So I wouldn't have to put up all with all the shit that goes on. So every morning I didn't see the scars on my back. Which was I was doing at this very moment.

  I stood in front of my mirror, in my bra and underwear, my prison dress in my hand. I was looking at myself with a blank expression. I stared at the scar that ran across one of my neck to the other. I was ragged. Deep. Bumpy. I had tried to kill myself. I wonder what would have happened if I had succeeded. Well, I would be dead. Yeah. But what would have Jerome done? Would he have cared? Of course he would have. But the more I thought about it the more I wondered.