Cheater | 박지민

十一

"You don't even know how much you hurt me with that fact I'm never good enough for you"

Peaceful breathing sounds. The room was only filled with wheels being pushed as the nurses were busy sending medicine to all of the patients, checking on them for the last time of the day. The room was dark, as we have already offed the lights and was ready to doze off.

I insisted you to go home and have a better place to rest since it has been a tiring day for both of us as some people i don't even know existed visited me and talked about their lives which seemed for hours. Whenever they asked what illness I was currently having, I just looked at you and waited for you to explain for yourself because doctors only confronted you and not me.

It seemed bad as always you guys had to find a corner to talk about it and you would always frown your eyebrows. You seemed more silent than usual and would dodge topics about my illness. The more you were keeping, the more my curiosity grew. Was I that bad? Am I going to die that soon? Don't get me wrong. I did want to leave this world as soon as possible, but by thinking more about it, I would miss the existence you being next to me.

Now you were laying at the sofa next to my bed, an arm resting under your head as you stare at the ceiling. I needed to know. I needed to get myself ready if I was really going to leave. I needed to finish that letter and give you in time.

" Jim-"

"Babe, can I ask you something?"

I could hear shifting sounds by the side of my head. In a swift, you were sitting up and staring at me with not intense gazes but more of a concern and warm one. My eyes slowly shifted to you and nodded slowly.

"What has been bothering you? Is something making you really depressed and sad?"

"Um nothin- " I stiffened and words came out as a lie. I could feel my brain screaming out the answer into your face, my blood veins clenching as my heart aches for what the actual answer was. I wanted to tell him, but I couldn't. My mouth was sealed.

"Tell me." You moved closer as your fingers tingle against my cold hand with a more determined voice. "It's okay. Tell me I'm always here and I'll help you out. I'm your boyfriend and I'll never cheat on you and give-."

Then you stop. You looked down at the floor with a foreign look. Usually, I would be able to read your feelings or emotions, but now I couldn't.

You did know you cheated. You did know. Yet you never took the time to tell me. You could have apologised but you didn't.

" What if the reason is you?"

"What do you mea- " He looks up with an innocent look as if he did not do anything wrong. But his voice was more of a shutter and a question that didn't want an actual answer.

I could feel my tone changing. I was about to burst into tears by the stuffs I was about to spill. I was doubting if I should do it. Every words I say next would change our future completely. But I had to tell you. I needed to. I took a deep breathe and my last courage. I sat up straight that now we were on the same level, our eyes tremble at the words before it would be said. Every word is a weapon. It heals and kill.

"You're the actual reason why I'm always unwell. I knew it, Jimin. You can't always hide from reality. I knew you- "

Before I could finish, there was a knock on the door. "Medicine is here." And then, we broke our eye contact as the air between us became cold. My heart was pounding as if it would burst through my chest.

"We will talk more about it once we get home." Your voice was more of a whisper like those times when a little boy is getting scolded for and would have their heads down. Now you seemed distant and small, you shifted back to your sofa and snuggled into the blankets as you turn your body to the opposite of me.

My heart clenched. Fear overtook me that night and I couldn't sleep. I regretted. I needed him. Even if the truth was real.