Remembering Billie

Billie's [P.O.V.]

I slip in the door, quietly shutting it behind me and creep to my room, completely wrecked with sleep deprivation. Just then, I hear a hurried thumping of footsteps down the hallway and turn to see my mother racing for the bathroom. I sidle into my room and hold my breath. A disgusting noise lurches from my mother. It's 6:30 AM and she's up vomiting. Breaking my cover, I ruffle my hair so it looks like bed-hair and rush to the bathroom, "Mum!" I say, hesitantly. "Ye-" her voice comes out raspy and before she can finish, and ambush of vomit washes up her throat. I run to her side and pull her hair out of her face just as she chucks up again. The stench is revolting and luckily, my father comes to my aid. Carefully, he pushes me away, telling me to get ready for school. I glance worriedly at my bent over mother and sigh. I go and get dressed.

When I emerge into the dining room, only Gus and my father are there. "Is Mum okay?" I ask him. He nods, tiredly. "Just a stomach bug, hon." I allow myself to believe that and trudge out the door with Gus in tow.

For the whole school day, I can't force myself to concentrate on any of the teachers. Charleigh and Abigail barely receive any attention as it is, either. Gus talks to me constantly, trying his best to cheer me up. But my brain almost forgets he exists and he's left to just hurry after me wherever I go. At 12:30 PM, I down a Panadol, hoping it will clear the fog of worry in my head. But nothing happens. I slink around the school and my classes, passing time as bells ring and teachers teach, and accidentally fall asleep in Chemistry. When I wake up, Charleigh is frowning at me worryingly. Her eyes misted and cloudy. "I'm here, Billie." I nod my thanks and turn my head to our nattering teacher and take down notes while Charleigh and Gus stare at me with saddened looks. When the final bell rings, I leap out of my seat and tip over a pile of books mid-process. My classmates look up and snigger. I lower myself to the ground and slowly pick up the Textbooks, cowering beside the desk and people get up and leave. Charleigh and Gus help; they link their arms through mine and we sail out the doors together. I breathe an intense sigh of relief as we leave for the car park. It's Friday! And I'm sure as shit glad for that. I don't think that I could've survived another day. Gus drives us home, with my watchful eyes inspecting his every move. Chang is my utter pride and joy and I could never forgive myself if someone else hurt him.

When we arrive, Mum is laying on the sofa, a heat pack over her stomach and a magazine in hand. I run over to her, dropping my bag at the door, "Are you okay?" I give her a weak hug to make sure I don't accidentally hurt her. She smiles at me, "I'm good thanks." I hold eye contact for a while longer, until my phone vibrates in my pocket, with a call from Charleigh. "Yo, my dude, we're doing a recording today of your RingTone Game." "Mkay." I answer. "What time?" "Now. And bring Gus for the Technical shit." She hangs up before I can say bye, or even 'okay'. "We need to go, Gus." I say to him, nodding at the door. Mum sits up, "Where to?" She questions us. "Classic Sense. With Abs and Char." She nods and snuggles back down into the sofa, closing her eyes. I take the magazine from her and kiss her forehead. "Get some sleep, Ma." I say as I close the door behind me. Again, Gus drives, and this time I even avert my eyes to look out the windows. Clearly I'm starting to trust him. Nah! Why would I?!

Abigail and Charleigh are really starting to like having Gus as our technical guy and it breaks my heart that he'll be leaving soon. We finish our segment early and finish up. We sit on the swivel chairs eating crisps and talk for a while. Finally, Charleigh asks casually, How long are you here for, Gus?" We both stop abruptly and look at each other. Without thinking of the consequences, or really, thinking at all, I say snottily, "He's here for as long as it takes to get rid of my so called 'attitude' by grant of my father." He sinks into his seat a little. "Yeah." He mutters. "Billie?" Abigail and Charleigh are frowning at me. "Why are you accusing him of shit like this?" I look up at them, glaring, "It's not accusation, it's the fucking truth!" Charleigh glares at me, "Well calm the fuck down then Bills. We're only asking and wondering."  I shake my head. "Billie, we're worried about you." I snort. "What a load of bull-crap. You're interested in Gus. That's it. Because he's smarter, funnier, happier, can bleep-bloop and fix fucking computers." My eyes fill with tears. I can see Gus hovering in the corner, lips twitching like he doesn't know what to do. "Oh grow up, Billie!" Abigail shrieks. "So what if we're happy we have a new friend!" "Yeah!" Charleigh agrees, "The whole universe doesn't revolve around Billie Cray, ya know." Tears snake down my cheeks as deep as the river of Nile. "I know that." My voice sounds far away and the world around me is shaking and going blurry. "I'm accustomed to being nothing. I know." They don't say anything. "I've been nothing my whole damn life!" By now, I'm sobbing. I rush out the door and down the stairs and scramble into Chang. There I let out my anger. I slam my face against the steering wheel and smack my hands against the dashboard. I scream until my vocal chords hurt and the tears stop streaming down my face.

After a while, Gus comes out. He sits down in the passenger's seat waving goodbye to Charleigh and Abigail as they pile into their cars. We sit there for a while; me content in staring at the ground, and him glaring through the windscreen. "I'm sorry." He says. I don't answer. he tries again. "Look," He sighs. "I'm sorry Bills." And again, "Can we just go home?" I turn on the engine and bast the radio full volume.  We drive home in silence.

I burst out of Chang like a hurricane and rush inside. Tears are running down my face. Dad enters the room, glaring "Don't slam the doors!" And Mum, "Are you alright?" Gus is right behind me saying he's sorry and before I can stop myself I collapse in a fit of a sobs. "This is all your fault!" I scream at my father. He stands, shell shocked and hurt. "How?" I'm heaving and punching my fists at him as both my mother and Gus hold me back. "You hate me!" I scream, "You don't care about me! You don't love me! You say I have an attitude problem! Like I smoke and take drugs or tattooed a penis onto my back! You sent Gus here to 'sort' me out! To keep me out of fucking trouble! Like I was even in trouble! This is your fault! You never told me! Your never fucking loved me!" My voice is hoarse from yelling and everyone around me is crying. I'm shaking and quivering and all I want is for the ground to swallow me whole. I stumble to my room and yell to everyone. "Stay the fuck away. Give me some privacy for fucking once in your lives. Stop making this worse!" I slam the door shut behind me and hitch a chair underneath so they won't be able to open it. I fumble around in my underwear draw for the blade that I hid there. I sit on my bed, I cry and shake, and cut my legs. The blood is red and makes me feel sick. What is happening to me...? What is happening...?