Remembering Billie

Billie's [P.O.V.]

After talking to Casper, I feel refreshed and okay again. He's my calm after the storm, the bubble bath after the stress, the flowers after the compost. I guess I'm trying to say that I adore him. And not just for how he helps me through all things difficult, but because he's so kind and sarcastic, he's rowdy and boisterous and fills me with energy that probably couldn't have existed without him. I'm not sure its love, but I do know that its something, something which I just can't ignore. Not when I think of him most minutes of my day. Not when he's the only person who can fix everything which breaks inside of me. I know he's something, someone, and I just can't let go of him yet.

"I want it that way..." The Backstreet Boys are booming through Chang's speakers, "I want it that way" More specifically. I smile, knowing it was probably the doing of Gus. I haven't had The Backstreet Boys on in ages and he knows it brings back all of my childhood memories. I find myself humming along to the song in awe as I drive along Sparrow Crescent. I turn off down Monarch Lane, which by then, I'm screaming the lyrics to As Long As You Love Me. I sit in Chang for a while out front, blasting his speakers to their peak and tunefully yelling out words of everything which takes me back to Seattle. I sit like that for a fair while before a new voice, vaguely familiar, and a far cry from the chorus of The Backstreet Boys starts to sing. I squint open my eyes to see Gus passionately singing, his eyes screwed shut, harmoniously singing. I join him, pleading silently for him to open his eyes. His eyes slowly open and his mouth breaks into a huge smile. I turn down Chang's speakers to hear him and clap, he stops, laughing at me, "Don't clap!" I ignore him, clambering out of Chang, "Shit! You didn't tell me that you were amazing at singing?!" I tell him. He shrugs, "There's still a few secrets I keep, Billie." I follow him into the house and drop my bag by a kitchen bar stool, "How'd you get home?" He drops his bag next to mine and snatches an orange from the fruit bowl, "Abi and Char dropped me off." He says, ripping the skin off the fruit. I nod and fiddle with a strand of hair. "Apple?" I ask him, he tosses one over. Just as I'm about to take a bite, I hear a loud groan from the front door and a dull thump.

"Mum!" I run over to her as she stumbles into the hallway, "Sit down!" Her face is pale and sweaty and she's a quivering mess. I pull her over to the sofa, motioning at Gus, "Get her a cold drink." I sit down beside her and hold her hand, "Mum?" She looks up at me, her eyes are wide with fear. Slowly, she takes my hand in her hot one and places it over her bulging stomach. Tears gather under her eyelids and drip onto her shirt, "Mu-" I feel movement under my hand. "I'm pregnant, Billie." I start to cry, and pull my hand away, from the heat of her stomach. "Billie, please.." I turn away from her and sob into my shirt. Gus, unaware of what was happening rushes over to help me up. He passes Mum her drink and pulls me up onto my feet, wrapping his arms around me. I lean into him, finding comfort in something that I never thought I would allow to happen. His shirt smells of peppermint and coconut. He rests his chin on my head, holding onto me. "Why didn't you tell me?" I mumble. "I-I... Your father told me not to." I whip my head around, almost knocking Gus off his feet, "What? Just like how he told you I was a bratty, ungrateful child?! You didn't listen to him then!" I hiss, "So why now? Why?" The front door opens and Dad rushes in, and over to Mum, "Are you okay?" She nods, "I'm, I'm in labor.." I feel myself becoming dazed, the baby is coming? I start to swerve and stumble, Gus hooks his arms under my shoulders to hold me up as my father drags Mum along to the car. I stand, observing and blinking, using Gus as my life boat. "Stay here!" My father calls back, "Do something fucking useful!" And they're gone. I hear Louie start, and the car backing down the driveway. As the noise fades, Gus comes into focus and I can hear his ragged breathing and my inconsistent sobs. He unhooks his arms from me, I wobble, collapsing on the floor in fits of tears and whispering of "I just... I don't..." He sits down and pulls me close to him, "Its okay, Billie." He knows that everything inside of me is shattering and he knows he has to be careful. I can feel his own salty tears against my back, and it only makes me feel worse. Because I can't stop myself from wishing that Gus was instead, Casper.

Gus holds me, he keeps me close until I'm exhausted from my crying. As I go to wiggle out from his clutches, my skirt catches on his jersey and the material rips, revealing my cuts. He jumps back, knocking his back on the couch, and points, his eyes wide and scared. Tears roll down his cheeks, "Why didn't you...?" His voice comes out in a croak, tired and husky. "I'm sorry.." I can't say much other than that. I can practically see the beams of hurt surging through his body. "I was hurting, okay?" I want to cry, but no tears will appear. I'm exhausted and he is, too. He stares at me for awhile not saying anything. Finally he takes a deep breath and looks right at my eyes, "I know, I'm sorry." I nod, relieved, "But we need to talk." I smile weakly, "Yeah, but not here."

I pull out the tartan blanket and sit it on Chang's bonnet. Beckoning for Gus to join me. The salty sea wind whips around us like a fresh, new world. "So, let's keep this civil and without tears or swearing. We don't leave." He nods, agreeing, "And we can't tell anyone of what we've said." I cross my fingers behind my back as we shake hands, I can't keep Casper out of the dark. "So, me first, why did you come here? Or why were you sent here? By whom? How? When? Why?" He looks out to the sea, I listen eagerly for his answer, "Just after you had that fight with your father and you ran off, he called me, after seeing me on the News." He confesses, "Why were you on the News? Did you commit a crime?" Gus cracks a smile, "Thankfully no, it was for an award I had won. I was the 'smartest' teenager in all of Washington." I shake my head in awe, "Crap, give me something to match huh, smart-ass." He laughs, his voice caught in a whoosh of air. "Anyway, your father called me, not for grade help as I had first assumed, but that you were drifting off into a bad path and he wanted me to turn you into some kindness fairy or some shit." I laugh, "I left a week after that, after your father talked to my parents and whatever. My father drove me here, with directions from your Dad. I'm not sure how long I'll stay, though." I look up at him and lock eye contact, "Thank you." He smiles, "Now, why did you cut yourself? When? How bad are they?" I take a deep breath and focus on the black lines of the tartan blanket. "I don't know, a few weeks ago, everything was just crashing down on me. You, Mum and Dad, Abi and Char. I just couldn't handle it. I've been doing it for a few weeks. And no, they're not severe." "Billie?" Gus looks down at me, "I love you, okay." I nod, I can't say it back, because as much as I hate to admit it, I would be lying. "And we will get through this together. Whether we're strangers, best friends, dating or enemies. Okay?" "Okay."