You Changed Me - Jenzie

001. I Guess It Helps

。·:*:·ﾟ☆。johnny: (self harm trigger warning!)

Life as a mortal being is defined by one word. Time. My name is Johnny Orlando, or better known as damaged goods. I haven't talked in over five years, and so far don't regret it. I use my mind as a personal diary, anything I think of never leaves the surface.

Most of the time, I still don't know what's happening inside my mind. I wake up and feel nothing, but hatred is all I can contribute to people. I glare and glare and glare at people for no reason. But I fear if I do, I'll say something I'll end up regretting, and I'll loose everything I love or used to love. Ever since I grew apart from the world I used to know, it took a toll on me.

Sooner rather than later, I heard my alarm go off from my phone on the floor. I waited it out, hoping the few extra second will get me out of bed. When the ringing finally ceased, I groaned knowing it was going to be another day in the life of Johnny Orlando. As I was getting up from my bed, I heard Lauren laughing on the phone. How can she be happy so easily? And why can't I?

I heard her laugh a little harder, and that's where it hit me. The thoughts I planted in my 'diary' threw themselves back at me at 1000 miles per hour. All the bad thoughts. Sad thoughts and even a little happy thoughts. But they didn't overrule the horrible ones.

I start to feel my eyes gloss, but I swallow it back down hoping to collect my rapid breaths. Every time I get all worked up, I tend to loose control and I don't know how to handle it well. But it's not like anyone else can help me; I'm the only one who understand it.

I trudge over to the bathroom in a huff, slamming the door in fury. I open the bathroom drawer, retrieving an object.

Though my sister and I share a bathroom, I manage to find places to hide my own things. Things that she could never know about. My heart beat out of my chest, as I slowly held the pocket knife to my wrist, tears prickling the lids of my eyes.

Why? Why am I such a screw up?

I just want to feel something, anything, but no matter how many times I cut, nothing refills the hole in my lonely heart. The only thing it refills in the whole in my arm with blood. But even that runs out nowadays.

I scratch the top of my wrist with the tip of the knife, wincing at the little amount of pain it brought me. When I see a little drop of blood trickle down my arm, is when I know I have to stop. When I heard the rattling of the bathroom doorknob, I quickly locked it just in time to collect my self together for school.

。·:*:·ﾟ☆。Lauren:

I was sleeping peacefully, when I heard my phone ring from the counter top. I pulled the cover over my head, drowning out the noise until it was gone. And then it started back up again.

"Hello?" I said drowsily to the other end

"Lauren!" A loud screamed echoed from the other side of the phone. I recognized the voice as my friend Nadia, and immediately regretted answering.

"Huh?" I said putting the phone on speaker, and pulled the cover back over my head.

"Um, it's the first day of school, silly! Did you forget?" She laughed loudly. I suddenly jolted upwards in my bed, a rush of adrenaline zooming through my veins.

"Finally!" I screamed gaining an unknown amount of adrenaline. I tumbled out of bed, leaving my cell phone on speaker as I dress myself.

"I know! I've been waiting for ages to rule the school again," Nadia says dramatically. That's ,my favorite thing about her. She always makes things more fun to do. Normally I would hate the first day of school, but she makes it bearable some how

"Do you think Annie is up?" Nadia asks curiously.

"Honestly? No. You?" I said

"Nope."

We both started laughing at the realization. Annie is another one of my friends, who just loves to sleep in. We've all been together since childhood, and I don't know what I'll do without them. I suddenly jump at the sound of a door slamming, and I drop my shorts on the ground. Startled, I pick them up and sigh deeply. It was the bathroom door.

It was Johnny

"Was that him?" Nadia whispers from the other line. She's my best friend. Of course her and Annie know of Johnny's recent emotions.

"Yeah," I reply.

"I-Is he okay?" She said stuttering

"I don't know," I say truthfully. "He hasn't said a word to me or anyone this whole summer. It's like, he almost forgot how to talk or something. I mean, he hasn't talked in five years. Five years! My parents don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. We don't know if he'll ever talk again..."

I trail off, becoming sad and consumed in my own memories, that is, until Nadia breaks the silence.

"Well, I have to get ready, Lo. See you soon!" She said quickly and hung up the phone. I knew she liked my brother when he were younger, and this was a sore subject for her.

I hung up the phone and brush my hair, as I admire my outfit in the mirror. After sticking my black vans on, I walk over to the bathroom door in order to brush my teeth, but as I turn the handle, the door instantly locks leaving me shut out. He always does this! What does he do in there?

。·:*:·ﾟ☆。johnny:

That was close. I looked through the cabinets of my bathroom, in order to find a small bandage. I covered the cut on my arm wincing here and there. After that I quickly hopped in the shower, and put on my favorite grey hoodie and black jeans. Even though it's still pretty hot outside, I want to cover up. It's like a safe comfort for me. Eventually, I unlock the door and head downstairs.

I walk in to my mother making breakfast, my father on his laptop, and my sisters chatting at the dining table. As soon as step into the room, all eyes are on me.

"Morning?" my mother asks cautiously from the stove.

I shoot her an uninterested look, and she immediately drops it. I sit on a chair at the end of the table, waiting for breakfast to be served. I feel uncomfortable around everyone at the table, so I separate myself and sit at the edge. Just another reason I hate school so much; all the people.  It was getting late, so I decide to skip breakfast and just leave for school. But before I go, Lauren walks down the stairs laughing on her phone.

Lauren and I made eye contact, and I send her a saddened look. I don't know why, but it gets to me whenever my twin sister is happier than I am. I guess I'm jealous.

Lauren pulls me aside in front of the door, so nobody else hears us. She hangs up the phone and asks me, "Are you okay, John?"

I stare at her for a moment. No, I'm not okay. I want to tell you how I feel, but I don't know how.

And what do I do?

I just leave

Without saying a word.