The Crowded Mattress MxM (Staten Crown)

8

"What do you want for your birthday?"

My birthday was tomorrow. I was in the living room with O'Ryan. O'Ryan was staring at me with those O'Ryan eyes. He seemed to stare right through me at times like this. I watched as he just smiled over at me. There was something so fucking warm about him. There was something so fucking exciting.

"I don't know."

"Come on. Stop being shy."

"No...I'm serious. I'm not used to...this..."

"This?"

"All of this."

I looked around. O'Ryan had set up the house with candles. All over the room there were candles. They were lit up everywhere. I was laying on my back at that moment. O'Ryan was giving me a massage on my back. I moaned in excitement. He was as strong as Khaled but he knew when to be gentle.

"You aren't used to a dude catering to you?" he asked.

"No."

"That's fucked up. Why is it so weird for you?"

"You don't want to know..."

"Try me."

O'Ryan looked down at me. Khaled never really wanted to have small talk like this. He was always so much into the big picture. I didn't mind it really. Talking about the past was sometimes a little painful for me.

"Back home love wasn't expressed the same way," I explained to him, "My mother never told me she loved me. My father always made sure to tell me he hated me. When they found out I was gay, it was almost as though they made it known that I had done a bad thing. So for some reason that stuck with me."
"So you felt like you didn't deserve to be happy because of the lifestyle you choose?"

"It sounds dumb."

"No. I just want to be clear. Help me understand," O'Ryan stated bluntly.

O'Ryan stopped talking and stopped massaging my back. He was listening. He was actually listening to what I was saying. How different he was from Khaled made no sense. It was almost like O'Ryan saw something in me that Khaled never did. What the hell was it? What was O'Ryan looking at so intently?

"Now you see why I didn't want to go back home. Now you see why I would have rather died than go back home. Being gay was a bad thing and until I got straight, I didn't deserve love."
I never discussed this in depth with Khaled. I never discussed my life at home in depth with anyone...not even back when Pussy and I were friends. This was strange. It felt good but it felt so uncomfortable. I felt so vulnerable.

"Do you think you deserve love?"

I looked over at him. Was that a trick question?

"Of course."

He shrugged, "I'm just wondering. Because for so many years you settled for...I don't even know. You settled for Khaled."

"Don't give me that," I replied, "Don't forget you used to date Khaled too. Khaled was the reason you came to NYC. You came here to try again with Khaled."
"Until I met you," O'Ryan stated shaking his head, "And let's be 100 percent clear. I thought he matured. He hasn't. Khaled is the same dude that I broke up with back then. You think Khaled is the reason I'm still here? You think Khaled is the reason I'm sticking around?"

"I don't know."

"Yes you do. You know exactly why I'm here. You know the real reason. But you don't want to think you DESERVE it. If I had you...I would treat you so much better. I don't get it. I don't get why you stay with a man child."