numb // malec

careless

heeeyy guys i know that in the description i put a trigger warning but i'm giving a heads up here; this chapter is full of possible trigger warnings. please please please don't read it if you suffer from self-harm issues or suicidal thoughts. tw's are: strong mentions of suicidal thoughts, moderate self-harm, slight alcohol abuse.

wednesday, 29th september, 12:06:
magnus:

fuck. what have i done? poor alec. should i go check on him?
i nearly retch at how loud and painful alec's sobs sound. it's actually horrible to hear someone feel that much pain.
without thinking, i go and knock his door.

"alec?"
"alec, listen. i didn't mean to do this, i- fuck. can i come in?"
he's stopped the horrible sobbing now, but is still crying.
"open the door," he says, with effort.
i do as he says and open the door to find him half-sitting half-lying on the ground. he looks almost lifeless. like he's already given up.

i don't say anything. i don't need to. i just take him in my arms and let him finish crying. he throws his arms around my neck. his beautiful sapphire like eyes are now extremely bloodshot, and his body is shaking.

oh, what a fragile, broken boy.

"i-i'm sorry magnus, it's just, my week was going okay and- and then, well i don't know. i just collapsed."
"when you say, 'going well' , what does that mean?"
"it means that basically i haven't had as many breakdowns as usual. i have around 13 a week. i've already had two, and there now was my third one."
"okay, i know this sounds weird, but that's kinda good! you haven't had too many at the moment, so think of that as a good thing. negatives need to be turned into positives sometimes."

alec looks quite nervous before he takes a deep breath and speaks again.
"so another positive would be that i'm five days clean, i guess?"
at first, i'm not sure what he means.
"from alcohol? but -you're seventeen?"
"haha, nope, not alcohol. i drink when i want, not when i'm feeling like shit. i mostly drink when i'm really suicidal. which, to be fairly honest, is often. but i'm not an alcoholic; i can keep my hands off it."

i now think i know what it is.
"is -do you mean self-harm?"
alec looks at me again. "yes."
"and before you pull the usual 'don't self-harm!' bullshit, believe me, i try not to. but it's all that keeps me alive. i love the pain, because it's something that won't kill me, but still causes pain. plus if you attempt suicide you could survive, whereas with self-harm you're not gonna die but can still hurt yourself."

i want to ask alec a question, but i know he would kick me out if i asked it.
this boy is so badly depressed, he's past the stage of feeling. he doesn't care anymore. he drinks, he self-harms, he's all on his own.

he's throwing his life away and he doesn't care.