numb // malec

grief

<-sister tw for suicide and possibly anxiety in this, be careful babes.x->
magnus:

i watch alec drop to his knees, his face pale with shock. he looks like he's gonna vomit.
"alec...?"
alec's face scrunches up.

then the tears begin.

"no. no. that can't be true! it can't be! mom please tell me this is just some sick joke. please. please."

and then something remarkable happens.

alec's mother walks over, bends down, and hugs him.

"alec, it is true. max was killed last night. and i'm sorry. i may not like who you are, but i'm willing for us to look past this and help each other get through this."

alec breaks away from his mother. "no. after this day, i don't want to see you again until i'm emotionally ready. but i'm willing to set things right."

i decide that it would be best to ask alec's parents to leave. he feels safer letting his emotions out with me, although i feel like i'll need some help with it.

"mr and mrs lightwood, i appreciate you trying to make peace with your son. but he feels more comfortable with me, so if it's alright i'd like you to leave."

his father stares at me, angry that i even had the audacity to exist in his presence. "fine then. maryse, let's leave our son alone. we're counting on you to keep him alive, boy. if you do, you will be rewarded greatly."

and that's it.
that's when alec breaks.

he's in hysterics. he's not stopping, he's not breathing. he's shaking so hard.

"it's MY fault, magnus! it's my fucking fault! if i had been there, i could've protected him. i could've saved him. but he's gone! and the last time i saw him he was five! he was meant to be ten this year! i can't do this shit anymore. i was getting better, now all i want to do is make myself bleed. bleed to show the blood spilled by an innocent life. i wonder how he was killed. if i could do it to myself. i need to. i need to, magnus. it's the only way i'll get justice for the person who killed him."

i can't believe what i'm hearing. this is worse than i thought.
"alec, listen to me. it is not your fault max is dead. he was killed. he's gone. you can't harm or kill yourself. that won't bring max back, and then there would be another innocent life just completely lost."

"I'M ALREADY FUCKING LOST MAGNUS."

i can't deal with this right now. i can't deal with alec shouting at me or what he's saying. i feel myself starting to cry.

"alec, please. just, let me stay with you. let me hold you. in silence. it might calm you."

alec started hyperventilating. "fine. fine fine fine fine fine. i'll do nothing. nothing at all. just let you hold me. get friends over tomorrow. i'll need distractions and reasons not to kill myself for the fucking disgrace i am."

i don't reply, for fear of being yelled at again and for fear of saying the wrong thing and having alec...

i just hold him. as tight as i can.

to stop his already broken pieces from scattering themselves any further away.