numb // malec

coffee

wednesday, 29th september, 13:28:
alec:

so that happened. even as magnus and i sit in a quaint little coffee shop, sipping our drinks, i can't help constantly replaying the kiss in my head. i feel so...awkward. i liked it, like really liked it, but i haven't even known him for a week. and besides, i don't want to get into a relationship, because i'm not selfish. i'm not selfish enough to kill myself leaving someone like magnus heartbroken.

he's had his heart broken too many times, it seems. i don't want to add to that list.

"alec? you okay? actually no, don't answer that, because you're not."
i laugh.
"no but seriously, are you feeling alright? you've been very...distant for the past few minutes."
i inhale.
"i don't really want to say in here. if we were outside, maybe?"
"oh, okay. well let me finish my drink then," magnus says, then proceeds to finish it in one go.
i raise an eyebrow. "you really that desperate to know?"
"yes, actually. i am a very curious young man."
that reminds me.
"hey, what age are you?"
magnus clears his throat. "nineteen. although i don't see the importance of this here."
i blush quickly and struggle to speak. "i- can we just go?"
magnus shrugs. "sure."

we stand outside the coffee shop together. it's me who talks first.
"so i- what i wanted to say was, yo-you know the way we, uh, kissed?"
he looks at me, his face unreadable. "hey hey- if you didn't like it, it's fine. i just wanted to do it. i'm sorry."
"no no no! no, you didn't do anything wrong, and i did like it, but i don't think i want a relationship. i don't know. first, we've only known each other literally a day. second, i'm not selfish, and i wouldn't want to leave you heartbroken."

magnus's look changes from concerned to...angry?
"okay alec, i get your point here, but please stop with the whole 'leave you' thing. i know what you mean when you say that, and i absolutely disagree. you are never, under no circumstance, going to- to end your own life. i can't, and won't, lose another person to suicide."

"but i can't help the way i feel-"
"well then maybe you should get some help, huh? has that ever crossed your mind?!"
i can feel it coming. the tears, the shaking.
"magnus, no. please, i'm begging you, don't do this."
he sighs angrily. "look, i'm sorry, but it's true. you're not gonna get better if you don't."
"WELL HAS IT EVER OCCURED TO YOU THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, I ACTUALLY HAVE TRIED?! NO ONE I'VE BEEN TO, HAS HELPED ME, NO ONE. I CAN'T GET BETTER AND NOW I'M AT THE POINT WHERE I DON'T EVEN WANT TO."

magnus looks shocked. "i- i gotta go," he says, and runs off crying.
no, i think to myself. no no no, this can't be happening. what have i done?!
i'm such a fucking failure. i can't fucking believe this has happened.

my parents really were right when they told me i fucked everything up. that i myself was a fuck-up, a sad, thin, excuse of a human being.