Black Butterfly

I'm Sorry

I want to apologise
to that little boy I used to be.
I feel like going back in time
to beg for an ounce of forgiveness
because I hurt him so badly.
I continuously put him
on the firing line and
pretended not to see his wounds.
I ignored him and the tears he shed
because I thought he was a soldier.

I overlooked his pain again and again
because I thought others were
worthy of my attention and affection.
I broke him down with my harsh words
and stripped him of the love that a growing boy needs.

I told him to stay in the dark;
told him his talents were common and boring.
I convinced him that he didn't need to step into the spotlight because no one would ever pay attention to him.
I took away his confidence,
gave it all to the deserving
and left him an anxious wreck.

Every time he'd ask for a hand,
I'd berate him.
I almost destroyed him!
But he was stronger than I gave him credit,
he was smarter than I ever thought,
more talented than I could have ever know.

I look at him now,
jealous of who he has become.
He seems to have grown and found healing.
His mother says that he's not the son she knew.
"He's different now. I don't know who he is," she says.
He's more confident now. He's stronger now.
He's happier. He's glowing.
Of course he's different... and that's not a bad thing

I don't want to live with this pain anymore.
I want to ease my own guilt
by getting him to forgive me.
And maybe then, I can really move on.

So, to that little boy I used to be,
I'm really sorry for underestimating you.
I'm really sorry for not believing in you.
I'm sorry for breaking you down like others did.
I'm really sorry for choosing other people over you.
I'm sorry for taking all of the love you had
and giving it away to those who didn't deserve it.
And most of all,
I'm sorry for not loving you as much as I should have.
You deserve all the love in the world
and a whole lot more... and i hope you find it.