Saint Vanity (mxm)

Chapter Twenty-Four

Helgi leads me back to my guest room and waits for me to get comfortable on my bed. He shuts the curtains and lights a few candles. Smoke wafts up from an incense stick he lights on a holder at the side table. In the darkness, it looks like a burning ember that is farther than it is.

He prompts me to straighten my back as I sit cross-legged on the bed head. His hands run up and down my torso as he prompts me to breathe in from my intestines. The action sends a tingle up my spine and heats my blood way hotter than it should. I remain stiff, hiding the way my body reacts.

"Alright, how is this going to work."

"I have the ability to enter the astral plane. Once you make it there, I will assist you through your subconscious."

He raises and lowers his hands as he breaths in and out. At first, he looks ridiculous. That impression flies out the window when a flame light up beneath his skin. Colours of indigo, yellow, orange and red dance beneath his skin, swimming, flashing and running along his body like waves. It pulsates in the rhythm of his steady heartbeat.

My lips part at the beauty and I cannot resist touching his chest. My fingers follow the colours. They vibrate in a way of expressing his inner power. The skin over the colours are so warm and alive, I could spend all day watching and feeling them.

I didn't know what the angels were talking about when talking about inner divinity. But as I stare at him, I know exactly what it means, while at the same time, I'm far from being able to put it into words.

"That power... How do you have access to it?" I breathe

"Years of practice," he answers, wrapping his hands around mine. Little bursts of green lights travel to his fingertips, giving mine a few light zaps. "I was searching for answers."

"For what questions?"

"If I should forgive myself for mistakes I made in my past lives." His voice is careful and reluctant.

"What mistakes?" I prod even though I shouldn't, considering the man is helping me.

Eyes downcast, he falls into silence, as though he struggles to even open his mouth to speak about it.

"Some people I look at knowing reincarnation is real. For all I or they could know, they could be the worst, most vile, most horrible people. But because that was in a past life, it doesn't seem like it matters. Yet, for me, it doesn't feel that way." He squeezes his eyes shut as his regrets spill out. "I think I did something that deeply hurt Ascanius. I don't know if it was real or if it were a bad dream. I don't want to ask him if it happened because it was awful."

The colours grow darker as though they are tainted by his thoughts and the warmth from them dims.

"If you don't ask, you won't know."

"Even if it didn't happen, I still didn't treat him well enough to deserve the title of father. I was sulking and selfish. I put my emotional turmoil before him and I hate myself for it with every ounce of my breath. I wish he were harsher with me. I don't deserve his kindness."

"That's his choice if he's kind and he forgives you. If he does, then what sense is there in holding onto it?" "You're not going to do whatever you did again, right?"

"Of course not."

"And you've worked to change yourself."

"I've tried. I've been trying ever since I recalled those memories."

"You've been doing so much shit, so you can reap its benefits in the future, but how can you if you don't let yourself?"

He seems unsure about the answer I have given him. Like how I was before, a part of him knows I'm right, but he doesn't want to admit it.