These are their stories ~ Amanda Rollins

Who?

Amanda's P.O.V:

I wake up slowly adjusting to the difference in light, I blink twice before remembering I fell asleep on the couch. I grab my phone and check the time, 5:22am. I rub my eyes before slowly easing my way up and swinging my legs over the side of the couch. I go to the bathroom and begin getting dressed into my regular black trousers and blue shirt before grabbing my personal belongings and making my way to the car. I take a slow drive over to the precinct as I knew I was going to arrive early. I still don't feel well today but I need to be able to disguise it before Olivia catches on that something is up.

I finally pull up at the precinct at 6am and step out of my car and stroll into the precinct where I am greeted by Carisi as he is already here this morning.

"Hey Amanda." Carisi smiles.

"Hey..." I say, still feeling as shit as I did when I left the house this morning.

I sit myself at my desk and began to fill in some left over paperwork from yesterday and await a new case. Not long after I complete my first sheet of paperwork, Olivia strides into the squad room.

"Morning Liv."

"Morning, how are you feeling today?" She asks politely.

"I'm okay, you know how it is. How are you?"

She nods and I breathe a sigh of relief as she didn't jump on me with more questions.

"Noah's sick so I'm worried about his breathing as he has been in the hospital a lot recently."

"Well I hope he feels better soon Sarg."

She says her thanks before heading over to her office and settling down on the phone with someone. I skim over my desk to find something to busy myself with before I see Fin walking into the squadroom with a huge beaming smile plastered on his face.

"Morning Fin, you look overjoyed. What's the occasion?." I say, smiling.

"Good morning Amanda, I just discovered that my son will be adopting with his new partner!" He exclaims.

"Congratulations!"

I get up and give him a celebratory hug and a pat on the back.

"Anyway, how are you feeling today Amanda? I heard about yesterday,"

"I'm not feeling great but it is what it is I guess." I confess.

"Amanda, you could have called in sick I would have covered your shift, you don't have to be here."

"That's very kind of you Fin but -"

The phone interrupts my conversation and I look over at Fin before he gives me the nod of approval. He just wants to help but he knows me well enough to trust me to be able to do my job.

"Detective Amanda Rollins, Manhattan svu." I speak, awaiting our next case.

"Hello Amanda, recognise this voice? It's been a while."

I suddenly begin to feel very uneasy as the sound of his voice and my heartbeat thudding in my chest take over. My hands begin to shake and my stomach begins to churn uncomfortably.

"Yes, w-what do you want?" I stutter as my throat begins to tighten.

"We've missed you here Amanda. I'm coming over soon to give a presentation and I couldn't wait to see you again. What do you say? For old times sake? You know I don't take no for an answer."

Without thinking, I hang up and push the phone away from me and lower my head into my hands. I gasp desperately trying to provide my lungs with oxygen without drying my mouth out anymore.

"Amanda, listen to me you're okay. Tell me what's wrong?" Fin asks, kneeling down in front of me.

My vision swims as I try to focus on my breathing which is becoming increasingly difficult to do. I clear my throat, chest growing tighter as bile rises in my throat.

"I think I'm going to be sick."

Fin grabs the trash can from underneath my desk and puts it in front of me to ensure that if I do throw up that I have somewhere to be sick. My erratic breathing continues to get worse and my hands tremble with fear.

"Amanda, do you think you could make it to the break room? It will be quieter there and I can help you get your breathing back to normal. We will only go if you want too, okay?" Fin explains, softly.

I nod too afraid that if I talk I will throw up. I get up slowly and allow Fin to guide me to the break room carrying the trash can. Tears sting my eyes and my whole body shakes uncontrollably. I manage to make it over to the small sofa in the breakroom and I sit down. Carisi is already in the breakroom and notices me and Fin. He approaches me and sits down next to me but not too close so I still have enough space as he can see I'm extremely overwhelmed.

"Hey Amanda, you need to focus on me and breathe with me okay? What happened Fin?" Carisi questions, concern evident in his voice.

"I'm not sure Carisi. She was talking to me and the phone on her desk rang so she picked it up and then started panicking. She hung up and I asked if she was okay when she told me she thought she was going to throw up, hence the trash can." Fin says, gesturing at the trash can. "I thought bringing her in here would be better as I figured she was having a panic attack."

"Yeah, I can sit with her if you'd like?" Carisi suggests.

Fin nods and explains that Carisi would be better at helping me as we seem closer. Everything is spinning at this point as the realisation has definitely reached me now.

"Thank you Fin." I say, gasping in air.

"It's okay Amanda, you are going to be okay. Me and Carisi aren't going to let anything bad happen to you."

I try and force a smile and clench my fists so hard that my fingernails dig into my palms to try and ground myself. Carisi gets up and heads over to the vending machine to get me a bottle of water.

"Try taking a couple sips of this and try and focus on taking deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth." He suggests, handing me the bottle of water.

I begin breathing in and out with Carisi, it helps me calm my breathing down so that instead of gasping for air it's just the occasional sudden sharp intake of breath. I'm still really shaky and I still feel sick.

"I know someone scared you when they called you and you don't have to talk about it right now but you know I'm here to listen, I'm not going anywhere until you feel comfortable okay?"

I nod and allow him to sit a little closer to me, he makes me feel safer.

"The person who called me was someone I used to work with and about a year ago something happened between us. It's my fault but when he called me it really spooked me." I say, trying to stop another panic attack.

"What was your fault?"

"He assulated me." I whisper before I begin to cry, tears streaming down my face.

He assaulted me.