These are their stories ~ Amanda Rollins

Fault

TW: Description of  sexual assualt and past trauma

Amanda P.O.V:

Carisi looks up at me with a sympathetic look.

"I'm really sorry Amanda, you really don't deserve any of this. Do you think you could walk me through what happened?" Carisi soothes.

"It was about a year ago, maybe a year and half ago? It was when I was back in Atlanta me and my old Chief...Patton...." I explain, an overwhelming sense of dread washing over me.

Tears continue to roll down my cheeks and no matter how hard I tried to stop crying, it was useless.

"Hey Amanda, take your time. You don't have to do this right now as I can see how upset you are, okay?" Carisi says, calmly.

"No, I want to tell you, - I trust you."

He nods and I take a few deep breaths before continuing to explain the experience that changed my life forever.

"We were both slightly drunk and we just finished a big conference. To begin with everything was completely consensual, we headed to a motel room and we were making out on the sofa. This got heated really quickly and before either of us knew we were taking each others clothes off. We started having sex and then he began to hurt me so I told him to slow down..." I pause, shuddering at the memory.

"I'm the first person you've told, aren't I?"

I nod and attempt to hold myself together so I could finish explaining. Carisi reaches over to grab my hand, I flinch before relaxing into his touch. He gives my hand a reassuring squeeze before I begin talking again.

"He wouldn't listen to me and he began hitting my head into the headboard before biting my lip...it hurt so bad but he just kept going and with every movement he hurt me even more. I...I just froze and-"

I try to keep talking but the words just wouldn't leave my mouth and once again all I could hear was my heartbeat ringing in my ears. I begin sobbing again but dont realise I am until Carisi envelops me in his arms trying to calm me down and comfort me.

"None of this is your fault Amanda, just focus on my voice and breathe. I'm very proud of you for telling me all this, I can't begin to think how difficult this is for you." Carisi says.

He gently rocks me back and forth reminding me I'm okay as I cry until I physically can't anymore.

"I'm sorry.." I whisper, barely audible as I've worn myself out so much.

"Stop apologising, there is nothing for you to sorry for - this is all on him. I don't think I even need to ask but that was him on the phone wasn't it?"

I nod, wiping my eyes with the sleeve of my jacket. I move away from Carisi allowing myself to recollect myself.

"Thank you for listening."

"Always. I'm going to get you a coke and some pretzels from the vending machine. I know how draining panic attacks can be. You don't have to eat much but it's something, right?" Carisi explains, smiling softly.

He returns holding a can of coke and a small bag of pretzels. I take both and open the coke and take a couple of sips before smiling back at him. I yawn tiredly before declaring that we should both go back into the squadroom before Olivia notices something is wrong.

"You sure you're ready?"

"Yeah, I want to keep distracted for now and help others. I also don't want to have to explain all this to Liv, not today at least. If it gets too much I'll tell you, yeah?"

"Deal."

We both exit the breakroom and head into the squadroom without saying another word to each other. I carry the can of coke to my desk and avoid eye contact with as many people as I can.

"You okay Amanda? Fin told me that you kind of freaked out..." Olivia asks.

"Yeah I'm good Liv, just tired and still not feeling well." I lie, glaring over at Fin.

I gather around where everyone else is as my thoughts consume me. Maybe I did deserve what he did? What if someone else he works with gets assaulted to, will people notice? He is pretty high up though...he is a chief.

"Hey." Fin says, nuding me. "You hear that?"

"Hear what?" I ask, slightly embarrassed.

"Liv just said that there has been a 25 year old woman who has been assaulted about an hour ago in Bellevue and you and Liv need to go take her statement while myself and Carisi need to get security footage from the motel." He explains, giving me a run down of the case.

My stomach flips at the mention of a motel but I agree to going with Olivia to take the woman's statement. Am I really ready for all this?