On Her Majesty's Secret Service ~ H.S.

Chapter 16

The next morning my alarm goes off at 4:30 sharp. It's not like I needed it anyway. I've been tossing and turning the entire night, unable to catch even a wink of sleep. Harry and I's argument still has me reeling, even 7 hours later.

I don't think we've ever fought like that before. Yeah, we've always annoyed each other and we've never been particularly nice, but we've never truly fought. This time was different, and I have no one to blame but myself.

Reflecting on the incident after having a few hours to cool down, I realize it was sort of my fault. In fact, Harry really didn't do anything wrong. Well, until he started insulting me, but before that it was all me. Why on Earth would I call him pathetic? And why the hell would I think that in the first place?

He was right. I have been calling him an asshole for a month. Why would I react in such an awful way the one time he's finally nice to me? I have absolutely no explanation. I'm not used to seeing Harry in such a vulnerable position. It took me off guard and I guess my first instinct was to attack? I have no idea what's wrong with me, but I can't help feeling sort of bad. I registered the hurt on Harry's face as he listened to my words and watched me laugh. He was really trying to... I don't know... maybe be my friend? Or at least make nice so that we don't constantly have to hate being around each other. But I ruined it all. This past week of interaction every morning- even bonding- has gone down the drain. Why do I feel so awful about it? Why should I care if Harry's mad at me? He certainly has been before, but this time feels different.

I sit up in bed and look across the room to where Harry usually sleeps. I can't make out anything in the darkness. Should I go wake him for training or not? This morning we're supposed to be in the pool, but after what happened last night I'm not exactly sure where I stand. I really pissed Harry off... like for real this time. I didn't want to piss Harry off like that. Well, maybe I did at the time, but now I've suffered the repercussions I don't want to do it ever again. It was just plain... well... mean. And I don't want to be mean. Well, I've always been mean to Harry, but not that mean.

I try to silence the doubt in my mind and climb out of bed slowly. I discretely slip on my swimsuit, thankful for the closed, sleeping eyes of all the other recruits. When I've changed and my towel is wrapped around me, I pad towards Harry's bed. My legs carry me unsurely and I feel apprehension rising in my throat, but I know I have to try. Even if I risk the chance of Harry shooting me. Right now, I wouldn't even blame him.

However, when I come upon his bed I find it deserted. The sheets still lay haphazardly as always, clothes littered across it here and there, but it's missing one thing: Harry. Where the hell could he be? There's no way he's already at the pool; he relies on me to wake him up every morning.

I sigh, stumped. I've really done something bad this time... something much worse than I intended. As I think through the events of our argument for the millionth time I realize something that makes me sick: I might owe Harry an apology. Just thinking about the prospect of doing so makes me want to throw up, but it's true. All he tried to do was be nice and I made fun of him for it. If there's anything I've learned over the past month, it's that Harry is not to be teased, but I teased him anyway. And now here I am, Harry-less and, for some reason, feeling guilty. Harry tried to do the right thing and I didn't let him. For once, I'm the complete asshole.

I sigh and stand at the foot of Harry's bed, unmoving. What should I do? I wish I could go back to sleep, but I know that's not going to happen. The realization that I need to apologize has only troubled me more, not brought any kind of resolution.

So, my back hunched dejectedly, I stalk out of the dorm and towards the pool. Even if Harry's not coming this morning, I may as well distract myself with something. I step through the entranceway and into the common area, but hear a loud rustle behind me.